Honesty isn’t enough in apology where contrition is missing

In terms of relationships, and reconciling the wrongdoing we may do, it’s so important to be honest, to reflect, and to use this information about ourselves and our contributions in relationships as a platform to reconcile with others.

True reconciliation, however, requires more than just honesty, it requires a heart response of contrition, knowing the depth of pain that has been caused, and acknowledging the hurt, endeavouring to rectify it.

This is true justice.

True justice is not just about being honest.

“Yes, I did it.  I was horrible to you.  So what?”

In Gary Chapman’s and Jennifer Thomas’s Languages of Apology book, one of the languages discussed is the language of understanding, which is the second language of Accepting Responsibility.  Those who need to hear this language of apology seek for the apology to have understanding about it, so the person apologising actually understands what they did wrong, and they have some hope then to understand how to reconcile matters — their acceptance of responsibility.

It’s one thing to be honest about our wrongdoing, it’s another thing entirely to feel cut to the heart and demonstrate to the other person that what was done wrong wasn’t acceptable. 

In this language of contrition, we demonstrate that we UNDERSTAND the impact on the other person.  It’s not good enough to be honest and not understand the impact on the other person. Contrition sees its culpability.

Indeed, it can be argued very convincingly that if we don’t understand the depth of hurt and trauma caused for the other person then we truly haven’t been honest with ourselves.

If we never understand the level of hurt, pain, betrayal, and trauma caused, we can’t possibly reconcile with those who have been hurt, betrayed, and traumatised because of what we did.

When we’re honest but don’t show contrition enough to convince the other person we understand the pain we caused, we have failed to empathise with the other person.

Now a real honest word for the one who would listen...

I want you to try and understand how DOUBLY hurt and betrayed a person might feel if you are honest about your wrongdoing, but you fail to understand the impact and the level of hurt that’s been caused.  It’s like you agree that you have done the wrong thing, but the confusing thing about that for the other person is you don’t seem to be troubled by it.  “Like, what?  You mean to say do you know what you did, but you’re not sorry about how it made me feel?”  There’s no sense of remorse.

There’s something wrong at a heart level with someone who cannot understand the level of hurt they’ve caused yet are honest enough to know that it was wrong.  The head understands, but the heart hasn’t caught up.

So you can see that honesty isn’t enough.

It’s not good enough to have a terrifically horrible story of where you’ve come from and what God might have done in you and for you to transform you.  You might finally be honest about where you’ve been and where you’re at now, but you’re not enlightened to the point of understanding what your wrongdoing has COST the other people in your life.

You might feel justified in saying, “I’ve admitted my errors, I’ve said sorry, so why are you still so ‘offended’ and can’t forgive?”  If you’re in this place, you’re a constellation away from the right heart deserving of forgiveness — though the one you hurt ought to feel the peace of forgiveness, YOU are the one stymying the process.

Furthermore, when a person is honest about what they’ve done, but can’t understand why they’re not just forgiven, it’s a red flag that they have not really understood the level of pain they have caused.

If they’re forgiven, they’ll learn nothing and they’ll go onto repeat the same pain in future.

We are not just talking about nuances and little details here, what we’re talking about is something foundational about the heart that must empathise if the relationship has any chance of functioning at a functional level.

What cannot be underestimated in all of this is the double tragedy of experiencing a person’s demand of forgiveness when they haven’t actually apologised adequately.

Accepting responsibility is also accepting the consequences, “I have hurt you deeply, and I pray that one day you’ll be able to forgive me.”  The irony is that THIS heart is worthy of forgiveness.  This heart understands what it did.

Anyone who expects to be forgiven just because they’ve said sorry has completely missed the heart of apology.  Those who are forgiven easily — those who have done horrendous things — learn very little.

Yet, those who have no expectation of being forgiven, do the necessary work over time to prove they are worthy of forgiveness.  This is about re-establishing trust.  And nothing is more healing than that in the context of a relationship.