People pleasing never leads to peace

It’s something we’re destined to have plenty of occasions of practice with; when cajoled, influenced, manipulated, intimidated, or forced into a “nice” response, acceding to “keep the peace” and please the person demanding our positive response to something we cannot agree with.

A thousand times it hasn’t worked to redeem peace, 
and a thousand times more it won’t work.

It is, of course, called the fawn response.  One of the four trauma responses.  I don’t think we had such language in the common vernacular years ago.  I’m so glad we have it now because it explains a behaviour that is commonplace for people engaging in empath behaviour.

People pleasing cannot lead to peace because it requires one person to give what they do not in their right heart wish to give.

People pleasing cannot lead to peace because the one demanding our agreement has no concern for our peace.  These are TAKERS of peace.

We give our peace away to “keep the peace” somehow always knowing we’re settling for a counterfeit peace — something that might carry the appearance of peace without conforming to the norms of peace, which all parties are to enjoy.

Sometimes we’re forced to conform for the overall good by falling into line with established, formerly agreed norms of behaviours and standards.  Enter the military or any paramilitary organisation and there are many encounters in situations like this.

There must be a common good attained in these situations, where no individual escapes accountability, and in many ways, there’s a common accountability requirement that helps us know that the system is inherently fair, right, and just.

We respect such systems for their consistent example to us and to everyone.  When those standards are upheld, almost everyone rejoices.  Only the malevolent one doesn’t.  They cry foul, but they don’t have a voice, and this brings the majority great comfort.

With entitled individuals, there’s a calling to align to standards laced with favouritism.

Where the standards are nebulous and shifting and unpredictable, anxiety is high in those on the receiving end.  There is no semblance of safety or integrity.  All they can do to assure their own safety is to fawn and go with the volatile flow blindly.  There is no peace, only fearful preoccupation for what might take place that cannot be anticipated, or the anticipation is for the worst, not least a lack of peace for the compromises we feel forced to make.

For those who find themselves in people pleasing situations, the favour is never returned, so the imposition is to the hard work of resisting the temptation to fawn, knowing that if it’s always you who must concede, the relationship is unfairly tilted in the other person’s favour.

Staying in the disposition of not committing to a response may leave the moment “awkward” but it’s the response of the other person that we may find instructive.  If it riles them, we’ve found we’re in an unsafe relationship.  If they respect our voice, we’ve found someone we can relate with.