Faith by reflection leading to repentance

I’ve long struggled with the thesis that people’s characters are tested by their response to situations—given none of us is perfect.  We will all react in wrong ways or overreact.  Generally none of this is unforgivable.  But we have made it an almost unforgivable sin.

I’ve often heard it said that a person’s true character comes out when they’re tested.  But the truth is sometimes we react worst when we are tested.  I think the concept is heavily clichéd.  It can too easily put perfection up as the unattainable standard.  It can also too easily become a way of relegating someone who is actually being abused.  That’s right, it can be used as gaslighting.  Especially when a person engages in reactive abuse.  That is when a person reacts to the abuse of another, in other words, they are reacting because they didn’t start it.

But faith is tested most by our responses.  And what I mean by responses is the overall product of our action, given that our overall response may occur minutes or hours or days or weeks after the initial testing.  That is, our responses occur AFTER we’ve reflected, when we’ve been honest about what we did or didn’t do.  When we faced it in the cold, hard light of day.

As human beings, we are allowed to get it wrong, and indeed the best part about humanity is when we can see and admit and confess and repent of our wrongdoing.

That previous rather long sentence bears repeating.  Let me put it another way to not be boring.

As human beings, better than proving ourselves to be perfect, we are most productive when we are personable, when we are relatable, when we allow ourselves to be seen as wrong.  There is actually enormous strength in standing in the face of our fallibility.  And the strength is not just for us, it’s for others; our fallibility is THEIR justice.  Justice is crucial in relationships.  Justice like this brings peace because it makes amends.

The perfection of always reacting well in a testing time is unreachable for just about everyone.  It’s not how we should assess character or the strength of someone’s faith.

There is room biblically for those of faith to react poorly before reflecting.  This caters then for the all-too-familiar trauma triggers of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.  Rather than putting instant responses in as the key measure of character, it is far better, and far more useful, to assess character based on the ability to reflect, on own one’s own actions and contributions.  That’s a better test of humility than responding well in the moment.

Responding well in the moment is not just about character, it’s also about brain wiring and physiology, many situational dynamics, the social nuances, moods of one or more, and the threats in the experienced environment.  Responding well in the moment is far more than attributions of good character.

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The thing that sets a solid character of Christian faith apart from a narcissist is the ability to respond well ultimately, to be able to face one’s own wrongdoing.  Narcissists typically can’t, and therefore won’t, because it’s an affront to their ego.  They operate out of a sense of entitlement because they cannot be seen as wrong or weak.  And their idea of admitting wrongdoing is it’s a weakness.  They don’t see the positive character traits borne out in repentance.  And I can tell you, there are many Christian narcissists who cannot and therefore do not repent; they do not engage in that biblical way of living.

Adversity truly isn’t the biggest test of character, power is.

Power is the way to test a person’s humility.  And the real faith is in a person who stays grounded when tested with power.  But the test of adversity is one that we will all fail.

There are times in life when our adversities and our adversaries will be too much for us.

But thankfully, we’re not defined in our reactions on a given day if only we have the capacity to reflect, reassess, and repent of any wrongdoing.  That’s a real test of personable, relatable faith.  If we can own our wrongdoing, much of the time we’ll not only be forgiven, but we’ll also inject hope into many of our relationships, because when we apologise for our wrongdoing justice comes.

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In failing is food for learning, if only we’re humble enough to stay in reflection long enough to learn what to do to respond differently next time.

Being able to stay in the wrongdoing long enough to learn requires humility, which is the ability to overcome those feelings of shame that overwhelm the narcissist.  Staying in what we did wrong is impetus for a deeper learning, and that right there is Discipleship 101—to learn without judgement or condemnation.

Faith in relationships is defined in reflection that brings repentance.