A calm response when emotions overwhelm

If there’s one challenge just about everyone wants to overcome, it’s the ability to master one’s emotional response.  There’s no more satisfying a feeling than responding calmly and in control when in a crisis or when overwhelmed with emotion.  Achieving this gives us enormous belief.  But when we lose control of our emotional response it brings both pressure to justify our behaviour, as well as embarrassment, plus the damage it causes to people and relationships.

Especially for those who care, the competency of emotional intelligence is about the most sought-after character trait — not just a skill, but a pointer to a person’s integrity.

I want to use the rest of this article to outline strategies that support calm responses rather than out-of-control overreactions.  All these strategies are in play for anyone, they only need to be practised:

1.             Preparedness is such a key.  Merging a couple of psychologies together means we always stay within an achievable mental control.  That is the internal locus of control, which is staying within what we can influence in any situation, together with staying within our circle of influence, which is not being lured into things that might concern us that we have no control over.  It’s amazing the anxiety we save ourselves when we agree to discipline ourselves to control only that which we can control.

2.             Acknowledging that the powerful pre-frontal cortex in our forehead and temple area is our superpowered facility for overcoming the primitive limbic system, we only need to engage in the behaviour of PAUSING.  This is actually where a partial FREEZE response is not such a bad thing.  It prevents the lizard-reaction of FIGHT or FLIGHT.  Deliberate inaction when we’re panicked and emotional is advised.

3.             A big part of wisdom is knowing BEFORE we get to the stressful situation what attitude we’ll choose, what we can control, deciding beforehand not to panic.  The Bible helps, and these are just two examples: “do not fret — it leads only to evil.”  (Psalm 37:8).  And “The LORD will fight for you; you only need to be still.”  (Exodus 14:14)

4.             Invest in gratitude.  Honestly, there’s hardly a better way to prepare for or endure crisis than stay buoyantly thankful.  The daily miracle about the grateful life is how it fortifies us against stress.  We don’t sweat the small things because it’s the small things we’re thankful for.  Holding in tension the simplicity and blessing of small things with a more global perspective, inspired by gratitude, is wisdom.

5.             Sleep well, exercise vigorously, eat well.  These again are the basics that pay off handsomely for mental health and resilience.  These three strategies don’t just help us respond well, like the other strategies they leave us with such feeling of wellbeing.

6.             A good response to the inevitable times we react poorly is to simply accept we could have done better, that we’re not perfect, and as we refuse to judge ourselves, we’re empowered to simply get curious as to what went wrong.  Do it with an inner smile, brave enough to endure any guilt or shame we experience.

7.             Learning to focus is more about catching ourselves drift out of focus, which realistically happens in less than a minute or less than five minutes.  The discipline of catching ourselves lose focus is something that will harness the ability to manage the unanticipated stressful moment.  Our capacity to endure them is fortified by our ability to focus as a stressful moment arrives.

8.             Think about everything you can control.  Think about everything you can’t control.  The things we can control are limited to our thoughts, attitudes, and behaviours.  The things we cannot control are just about everything else.  It’s amazing how much we can control when we’re in control of those three things, our thoughts, attitudes, and behaviours.  Stick in that zone!

9.             Opposite to our gratitude is the caustic nature of corroding our emotions through the negativity of resentment and vengeance.  It’s why being peacemakers is so important, and that is simply acknowledging that as we build into others’ lives, we build into our own lives.

10.          Our outlook to the negative things that occur in our lives is key.  We can either resent the experience or we can be grateful, and in all psychologically challenging events there are both — it depends on what attitude we choose.  It all depends on how we look at the experiences we have.  We can turn traumas into formative life experiences if only we can face them with support and an appreciative, curious, open attitude.

We cannot control other people’s responses to anything.  When we accept this, we drop our illusion of control, we become more open to why people respond the way they do, and we may be of more help to them whilst being less emotionally vulnerable.