“Where you used to be, there is a
hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the
daytime, and falling in at night.”
— Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892–1950)
As a new parent-to-be (after nearly
15 years since my last child was born) I have found myself strangely cognisant
of the fact that I can prepare for the baby’s birth, yet, in some ways, I will
be inadequately prepared, come what may. The same revelation hits the person
who has lost a dear one to a prolonged battle; a wife or husband, a child, or a
parent; a best friend. Such losses we have time to prepare for, but there is no
preparing for what it might be like when they are actually gone.
The experience of loss, as
captured in the quote above, is a void where we have no way of imagining the
loved one as gone—in reality.
Here today, gone tomorrow.
That’s about as clinical as our
understanding gets. And whilst it is a relief for many to have said their
goodbyes, there is always the anguish of missing these dear ones. With time and
love we have access to healing, and best of all is the remembrance of their
lives and the impact they made on us and others.
The Finality of Death
It seems so obvious to state that
death is final, and we know no better truth throughout our lives than this, but
experiencing death as a final and lasting phenomenon always shocks our human
sensibility.
We can know that God is behind all
creation and our existence by the fact that we are mortal; that there is
nothing we can do about our living, breathing life spans.
When, for one of many reasons, we
die, our deaths proclaim evidence of
the Lord. Because our lives are given to us as gifts, and are taken away with
just as much lack of control on our parts, our lives are given (and taken) by a Higher Power—God.
However long we live will not
change one fact: we will never get used
to the idea of death. It will continue to confound us, unless we, with God,
accept the mysteries abounding in death. We need to surrender all our ill-feeling
to our compassionate God.
The ‘Why’ of Grief
Many people want to know why we
experience grief.
It’s because we are inherently
emotional beings; thinking, feeling individuals with not only the capacity for
love, but the eternal design to
love. It’s because of love that we grieve so much. If we were able to not
love, the pain of grief could be overcome easily.
With an eternal design wired
biologically into us (Ecclesiastes 3:11), we have no choice but to love, unless
we would have our consciences seared, and that is no safe alternative.
We are ‘condemned’ to grieve
because of love, but such a thing is not really a condemnation; love simply
forces us to grow, and where we can’t grow we can’t belong to love. Remaining
in fear is an inferior choice, but love requires courage; we can manage just
one day at a time.
***
Many losses we cannot prepare for,
even those losses connected with terminal illnesses. Grief, we see, is a
product of love, and, because we can’t help but love, we will grieve our losses
terribly. But God is in this with us, growing us toward him in the healing.
© 2013 S. J. Wickham.
Why do you do with the suicide of a friend...almost 2 years ago? Still angry with profressionals and what I see as irresponsible behavior and treatment. I've forgiven but its still difficult as another friend may be getting into the same frame of mind and situation. She however has a better support system.
ReplyDeleteTough situation. All systems have their frailties. Sometimes systems and interventions are flawed because they're run by people who cannot and don't love themselves enough to love others. I sometimes wonder if forgiveness is an intentional thing, where we obey God by keep operating in forgiving ways, even if it appears unnatural.
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