Dear World, Stop Grieving the Person in Grief

“Stop over-dramatizing it,” one mother said to a mother who had tragically lost her son, and who ‘just couldn’t seem to get over it!’

Disbelief shook me when I heard this. Actually, before this, whilst conversing with this mother on the phone, my eyes were watery. Upon hearing “stop over-dramatizing it,” I must admit, my soul felt crushed for her and her family, and I heaved reflex tears.

How on earth do people, with three words and disdain, crush the crushed?

Some people have no idea of the burden they add to those already broken by burden. Some people have not one iota of care for people who need, by life circumstances, every portion of care they can get. Some people will never understand.

The pity about this is those who read this will agree,
but it’s those who won’t read it who need to read it.

Here is a message for anyone who would read it.

There are people walking right past us, who sit next to us on trains and buses, fellow parents and citizens and co-workers and congregants, who have suffered horrific things. While many have dealt with their heartache, many still bear the scars of their trauma. Not one ought to be adjudged. A person’s reality is their reality.

No parent is ever prepared for the loss of a child. Nor is a partner who loses a partner. Nor a child who loses a parent. And many people are never prepared for the loss of a marriage or career or similar. And whether people have some role in causing their losses or not is immaterial.

Loss sends people spiralling into an uncontrollable dive. The main difference, however, is grief feels like repetitive crash landings.

Memories add weight to the descent, and triggers cause thoughts to encircle, around and around and around again on the mind. The heart is tortured. Soul and sinew are divided. Flesh and spirit under siege. A life at war with reality.

One would run away from such a life that one cannot escape from. And those who are dependent on such a life find they watch on without the ability to help. Which doubles and redoubles the grief.

The family system faces newfound dysfunction, and every support, whilst helpful, never seems enough.

The last thing — the very last thing — that such a family needs is even a single word or sentence devoid of care. If damage is the purpose of the communique, the purpose is achieved with bullseye accuracy!

Those who hear such a callous thing — those bystanders who don’t know what to say — ought to speak up and simply say, “Sorry, that’s not right… and, really I’m sorry to say this, but I think you really have no idea what you’re talking about.” Or, it could simply be the case that you go to the person who has faced such an insult and just comfort them with your presence.

The grieving need a defender; someone who’s willing to say something with firmness in a spirit of gentleness. This is a situation begging for conflict. Such a conflict would bring the opportunity of empathy; a simple righting of the situation in the justice of kindness.

But the request is this: dear world, please stop grieving the person in their grief.

Dedicated to Amanda and all her boys.

Photo by Claudia on Unsplash