Simply, what forgiveness is and what it isn’t

I’ve experienced the poles of resolution; those that worked and those that didn’t. I am learning to live at peace with everyone, so far as it depends on me (Romans 12:18).

1.      Forgiveness isn’t a feeling.

A bit like love, forgiveness isn’t something we suddenly feel, even if mercy may work that way.

Forgiveness is an attitude leaning forward into behaviour. It’s a verb. It’s something we do.

We can feel forgiven when someone we’ve hurt trusts us again.

But the opposite way around, when we’re forgiving someone when we’ve been hurt, is not a feeling.

The behaviour of forgiving someone can help us feel better toward them.

But only when they see their wrong and appreciate our forgiveness. Otherwise, forgiveness falls flat.

If they see they’ve done nothing wrong, how can we forgive them? Forgiveness, as a relational concept, must be sought out.

But those who acknowledge their wrong toward us are to be forgiven. It’s our biblical obligation.

2.     Forgiveness is about choosing kindness.

Kindness is the obligation of love.

It’s one of the definitive forms of love.

Forgiveness takes the shape of kindness.

When someone receives our kindness, especially when there once was distance, they’re restored by our mercy, and just watch them thrive on this freedom they find through being forgiven.

We know our attitude of forgiveness is true when we watch them fly, when we feel genuinely elated for them.

Forgiveness is seeing their remorse, and, being in the position of pardon, setting them free.

3.     Forgiveness isn’t pretending to forgive.

As if we could feign love. It never works. We’re found out sooner or later.

Forgiveness isn’t peace-faking. Pretending has the feel of manipulation about it.

If there isn’t any genuine contrition in the person who has hurt us, we can only be ready to forgive them. We cannot actually forgive them until they seek our forgiveness. So, why pretend?

The beautiful thing about true forgiveness is it’s a grace of God, a strength, that is given to us.

It’s also the grace of insight given to them and us; the awareness of their wrong and ours. Where each takes the log out of their own eye.

This grace of God, this strength, is given to us because our soul and spirit is willing to love again.

4.     Forgiveness is a choice.

The power of the mind is incredible.

Literally, any of us can make a decision, make a resolve, and execute that decision, if we believe it’s the best way forward.

There are many more compelling reasons to forgive than there are to remain bitter.

But when another party refuses to see their sin, we can be marooned in a willingness to forgive, without the capacity to execute such love.

5.     Forgiveness isn’t giving permission for more pain.

Just because we forgive our offender does not give them licence for even one more interaction with us.

This pertains especially to the ones who cannot and will not see their wrong.

If we have suffered abuse, and we adjudge those deeds as traumatic, and only we can know, we can draw up safe boundaries to protect ourselves against further harm.

Forgiveness and boundaries of trust are best seen as uncoupled from each other.

Forgiveness never ever means we’re compelled to even be in another person’s presence.

6.     Forgiveness is about being honest.

We can and should admit to our hurt.

We’re all susceptible to being hurt. It’s our human capacity of vulnerability and love. We get hurt because we wish to love and receive love.

Indeed, such a thing as, “You know I’m hurt, but I choose to forgive you,” is a God-honouring coupling of our real emotions with our real surrender.

~

Acknowledgement: this article modifies children’s peacemaking materials for the adult context. The six points mentioned herein come from PeaceWiseKids Course 5 for Years 7-8 school children available at peacewisekids.org. PeaceWiseKids is committed to growing peacemakers for life.

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash