A little kindness goes a long way

What is one skill that’s so simple that is routinely absent in many social situations, Christian or not?  It’s inclusion.  To be included, or to feel included.  Here’s a thought from my wife:

“With school starting today, amongst all the anxiety mixed in with excitement of a new year, please teach your kids to say hi to and include the new kid.

“And lead by example, and you say hi too and include the new parent at drop off/pick up in the conversation you are a part of.

“It’s hard enough being new anywhere with everything being unfamiliar, not just the teacher but the whole school and how things are done there.  Help take the pressure off and be kind enough to include the new kid and their parents.

“Goes for life in general too.”

I speak with so many people who visit a new church to see if they’ll fit.  They determine whether they fit or not by how friendly the people are.  If they’re ignored after the service, you know when the coffee’s being gulped down, there’s something rather obvious about that.

There’s nothing quite like feeling excluded in life—like you don’t fit.  I remember applying for a job once where it asked, “Why did you leave your last job,” and being truthful, I said, “Didn’t fit,” because I literally didn’t seem to fit in, I didn’t seem to belong, despite the efforts I made.

Or, the time I was on church leadership but because I was a single parent, didn’t fit naturally in any group, so I missed out on much of the social niceties, unless I was serving. 

Now, I’m actually pretty extroverted in new social situations, but even I can feel awkward about not fitting.  So imagine someone who’s a little shy.

For children it’s even harder—they’re developing the social skills to tackle isolation.  But none of us like feeling like we don’t belong.

Inclusion needs to be taught from the aspect of empathy.  To show children and adults what it actually feels like to not fit in, to feel isolated, to feel like you don’t belong.

Any church or school or workplace could stand out in the best of ways by simply having some strategies in place for new people, like perhaps:

1.    Signs around that say, “You were new once, too” or “Do you feel like you belong?  If you don’t, come and see our chaplain” or “Have you been a friend today?”

2.    Creating a culture where group etiquette privileges the new person or the outlier.

3.    Having a buddy system that works, which involves selecting people to be buddies, giving some esteem to the position, providing training and support.

4.    Leaders checking in on new people or those who struggle to fit, and not viewing them as socially disadvantaged, but as someone special in their own right.

5.    Creating culture so everyone experiences kindness.  This can be as simple as creating time daily to ask everyone to reflect on “one time today I was kind” and “one time today someone was kind to me.”  Extra points given to the former, as we try to outdo others in being kind.

The more serious we are about having a culture of kindness and inclusion, the more we’ll think through what things we can do to make it obvious who we are.

How we treat the members of our groups who least fits in speaks most about how loving we actually are.  It adopts the “least of these” principle of Jesus, and it means we’re always thinking of others, not ourselves.

Kindness doesn’t take much effort, but it usually creates much impact.

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What says most about culture is how people are included, considered, consulted... or not.

Photo by Jamie Taylor on Unsplash