A toxic person won’t learn the way you might expect

It is as shocking as it is true.  A person who can only see their own viewpoint—who is not interested in others’ perspectives, or even that they can or have hurt others—is not only incapable of relating in healthy ways, they won’t respond in conflict the way we expect them to.

Indeed, they won’t learn the way we might expect.  They will usually refuse to take part in any attempt we might make to chat through what happened—this is chosen especially by those in the power position; power is used to thwart justice.

And/or, they blame us for the impasse, yet refuse to engage.

And/or, they’re passive aggressive to the point we must watch our back.

And/or, at worst, they find within the opportunity of interaction the fresh opportunity to abuse us.

Refusing to enter into discussions with someone we’re in conflict with, can however be wise, if it’s unsafe for us.  Dealing with a toxic person is unsafe, and the only way to properly attempt communication is with a support person who’s empowered to speak calm words of challenge and to empower us to withdraw if the interaction does become aggressive.

We can know we’re dealing with a toxic person by their aberrant lack of capacity to learn.

They refuse to be open to the possibility they might be (at least somewhat) in the wrong.

The assumption is, here, that we have searched ourselves, and are prepared to apologise (or even have apologised) for our contribution to the conflict.

The simple thing to communicate here is we must learn not to expect toxic people to respond the way we would.  However unfair that is!

When we demand that people respond the way we do—biblically, if we’re Christian, which is to confess, repent, resolve, reconcile and restore relationship—we make a well-intentioned error.

We begin to be perceived by them as stubborn, just as we perceive them as stubborn.

With some people we need to be prepared to accept they won’t learn; that they don’t have the desire to reflect on how they have treated us.  If they did, the presence of us being hurt before them would convince them.  But if they don’t have empathy for what we’re experiencing, we cannot make them empathise with us.

That’s hard, I know.  But it is something we must expect, because we can only speak the truth in love.  It’s God’s business to change hearts.

Too often we feel we need to convince those who will not be convinced. Better to accept what we cannot change and leave God to change what only God can.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash