Coming out by going within

“Be who you is, because if you is who you ain’t, you ain’t who you is.” —Larry Hein 

One thing I’ve always appreciated is the courage that’s involved in coming out.  Whether it is about one’s sexuality, or a phobia, or one’s experience of hidden abuse, childhood or otherwise, or whether it’s about some other self-reconciled form of commitment to one’s irrefutable truth, doesn’t matter.  There is something palpable about the freedom we entreat as we ‘come out by going within’.  It’s a truth-telling exercise, and it’s a practice of faithfulness to your being; an activity of worship to the Creator who made you.

There are so many forms of coming out by going within, and it is applicable to every narrative, and because every person has a narrative, it’s applicable to every person.

Ultimately it is the journey inward to God as a means of coming out as you and I.  It’s a journey of becoming, and whilst there is always a sense that we never fully realise the potential of coming out as more fully ourselves, we do experience many little tastes of this reality as God teases us with the promise of completeness from within, even as we so wish to be complete outwardly.  There, in us, is the wish of heaven, but we’re not there yet.

Yes, this is both exciting and frustrating.  Glimpses meld with mirages as we enter into self-honesty, fearing nothing about journeying inward toward the recognition of falsehoods we carry in our persona, even as we carry these non-truths out and upward to the surface, releasing them in the exchange that is the acceptance of our current selves.

We all project something of what we wish we were outward and onto our worlds.  We all deny some essential truth of who we truly are.  There is always some facet of incompatibility between the reality of who we are and who we wish we were instead.  It’s the falsehood that must go.  It is also the dirty stuff that we reject about ourselves — that stuff we just cannot face.  We need to go in, upon the quiet, and meet ourselves in the pain of ‘there’.  Nobody can do that for us.  It is necessarily awkward and uncomfortable.

It’s probably why most of us completely hate the idea of meditation and authentic contemplation.  It sounds ‘cool’, but truly, for so many, it is torture.  To be quiet and still, though it promises the bliss of peace, manoeuvres us into the territory of disappointment.  It’s a place we go that feels as if it should bring much, and initially at least it delivers nothing, and often times worse.  To go down and deep within, to face our demons, to be at one with the boredom, to strive to stay apart from stimulation, to walk away from the drink or the drug or the tasty morsels; all these are examples of ways of conspiring with freedom.  These are the places we meet God — when nothing else apart from God will do.

Coming out by going within is the practice of an authentic spirituality.  And we can know it by the truth that we dredge up and bring as the spoil of authenticity to the surface.  Going deeply within isn’t about the experience of peace down there in the depths.  Peace comes from reflecting later how we had the strength somehow in our weakness to stay there and encounter God in the throes of that darkness.  The more we go there, the more we return with peace, the more we descend again and again, more and more fearlessly it seems, to wrestle with the vestiges of a darkness that cannot truly harm us.

It’s our story that we’re entering into.  It’s the process of spiritual nostalgia.  We must face who we were to become who we will be.  Going into the places adjacent to the discomfort, the places of life and love sandwiched between the panels of pain, we begin finding our way to the surface again.  And if there are few of those in our story, we know that God was there, so we meet God there again at the depth.  Oh there, our Protector, Sentinel God.

If you’re scared, and you’re allowed to be, perhaps you need a companion; someone who, like God, won’t abandon you in the cavernous moment.  Someone who walks with you gently and won’t disrupt the fine china ornaments that reside in the preciousness of your heart.  Someone who knows it’s God’s job to speak, not theirs, even as together you listen for the unknowable touch of the Spirit who will heal.

Photo by Dave Hoefler on Unsplash

Moving from ‘Why doesn’t she leave?’ to ‘Why doesn’t he stop abusing her?’

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TRIGGER WARNING – the title suggests the content could be triggering.

Why is it that our society continues, over and over again, through the media and mainstream thought, to blame survivors of violence, and not zero in on the perpetrators?

Even though the title suggests this is about male perpetrators and female survivors, I hope we all know that there are occasionally male survivors and female perpetrators.  It is devastating for anyone caught in the violent trap of a relationship of dangerously unpredictable proportions.  It’s even worse when the patterns of violence are tragically predictable.

We must change our language, our tone, our support.  It is time we started to change the narrative to make the perpetrators account for their behaviour.  It is no longer good enough, and it never was, to place the onus for change, and worse the blame, onto those who survive the violence.  And isn’t it ironic that we need to use the term ‘survivor’, when far too many people are killed (even a single person is too many!) within their homes; women, children, and some men.

But many survivors do survive.  And what they are looking for are more models of society placing the burden of responsibility on the perpetrators of the violence.  Survivors must be supported, and entire structures of policing need to be deployed in sociological support for the traumatised, as well as have the capacity to come down hard on offenders with consequences that work, the measure of which must be scientifically valid.  Yes, we need far more research in the area of family and domestic violence as well.

We really must flip the script to make sure we don’t blame mothers for cowering in the corner when the last thing they want is for their children to be exposed to a violent partner or family member — for her children to witness such reprehensible and trauma-evoking behaviour that can never again be unwatched.

Some of the things we need to start seeing:

§     less, much less, blaming of women who face the violence and more, much more, onus on the men who propagate the violence – women in many cases are just so frightened for their lives (and for their children’s lives and safety if they have them) that they switch instantaneously into freeze mode and are rendered defenceless and are at the mercy of madmen

§     less shame, much less shame, to be placed on perpetrators who can be found to be genuinely ashamed of their behaviour, who have the capacity to change, who may run further from their problems because of their shame, who know and accept their behaviour is wrong – as a society we must have systems in place to capture these people (small in percentage as they are), because they have the capacity to change, and they may be equipped to deal better with their emotions and change their thinking so they produce no harm

§     the identification of those who are recalcitrant perpetrators, who need to experience legal and financial consequences for their wilful behaviour – for such a lack of contrition they use aggressive influence to blame-shift and scapegoat those they abuse – everyone is intimidated by the raucous offender, because nobody will have their number or measure

§     a guilty until proven innocent method of working with offenders – recovery is a long, long road, and many perpetrators of violence will seek to hoodwink therapists and pastors alike – many tears of ‘regret’ doesn’t equal change; only time and evidence of heart change over time does that

§     much better understanding for men caught in intimate partner violence, either through their women or other male partners or family – there is so much shame for men caught in situations of violence because of the ‘tough male’ stereotype that men feel they need to maintain – the fact is, many males hate violence, and these men, like everyone, deserve to live safe lives

§     predictive systems for children and their trauma – adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are incredibly common and very many of the men with serious anger issues are themselves survivors of violence – but that’s no excuse for them to promulgate their trauma in behaviours of violent anger – they must learn to be disgusted by violence, all violence

§     education and support for children in schooling situations, especially when early warning and assessment may take place in schools across the board – children are never pawns to be used, but very often children will tell other trusted adults of the problems they see – these children must always be protected first and foremost 

§     patterns of assigning contributions of blame must stop – a woman who is violated is zero percent at fault; it’s the same for a man who is violated – nobody asks to be violated – contributions of fault in abuse situations is a fallacy – perpetrators are always fully responsible for their violent attitudes and acts

§     whole societies need to grapple with the fact that some of the worst violence isn’t just of the physical or sexual variety or physical or sexual in nature, but it can be deeply psychological, not to say that physical and sexual violence isn’t psychologically impacting, because they are – all violence has a soul-destroying element to it

§     attitudes to policing need to change, because far too many law enforcement agencies and officers consider domestic and family violence as, “don’t worry, it’s just another domestic; they’ll get over it soon” – it is far too easy to externalise the issue by considering that it is somebody else’s problem – so much of the time a survivor of violence is encouraged a tremendous amount simply by being believed, and indeed, to believe them is about the best thing that another can do for a survivor of abuse

§     in direct contradiction to the above point, there are also law enforcement agencies and officers completely frustrated with their hands tied – I just want to acknowledge that our services are often overstretched and impotent

§     there needs to be spaces created for dialogue for these incredibly shaming situations and events – survivors of violence almost always feel ashamed and paradoxically partly (and much worse, solely) responsible, when being responsible should be the farthest thing from their minds – being there, having been subject to the violence, is enough for them to feel responsible – when they are zero percent responsible

§     for good and final measure, let’s not forget our black brothers and sisters, for whom are often survivors of violence through similar societal elements of prejudice and discrimination – there should never be a problem with saying Black Lives Matter

§     all the above applies equally to elder abuse and any family situation where vulnerable persons are exploited through overt and covert violence

This is just a short list.  There are many more I could have added.  If you think of any salient ones, please add them on social media comments.

As whole societies we need to change our language and put the onus of responsibility back on to the one who is responsible, and take it from the very people who would never have violence done to anyone, and who already bear too much responsibility.

We must all recognise what is going on in our societies.  Women are treated worse than men in general, as are the minorities, and it isn’t fair or right.  If you’re weaker, you get less and you’re treated poorer, whereas people who are strong have privilege.  It’s the way it is and it must change.

Acknowledgement: to my daughter, Zoe Wickham, who is about to graduate (mature age) with a Degree in Social Work, who gave me significant guidance in the writing of this article.

Some Resources on Anger:

Men’s line Australia

UK Mind

Relationships Australia

Image: toni-oprea-oDJ7UQXnCxE-unsplash-2

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The 3 hardest things to do in challenging relationships

There are all sorts of things that cause us stress.  Some of these things include situations that are occurring in our world, anything that causes us anxiety, things that are beyond our control, and our challenging relationships.  In naming just four, we might also concede that all four can be combined in one event that can stress us out to the maximum.  The very nature of stress is it’s so often a convoluted, confusing and confounding combination of things.  These situations easily exhaust us and demotivate every sense of our working through them.  Then add the dimension of a challenging dynamic like abuse.

Life is never free of stress, and we need to be very well aware of the impact of stress in causing or creating the following three issues, which are powder kegs in the realm of relationships, and in abusive relationships the explosive nature of stress in these situations cannot be overstated.

1.             The first thing that we struggle with majorly in these relationships is discerning the contribution of fault.  Some situations it is people finding it very hard to see their own contribution, and whilst this is common to many of us, it is the narcissist who can never see their own contribution.  They gaslight the other party into a corner that has them apologising for what isn’t their responsibility.  In the narcissist’s refusal to take responsibility for their part in the wrongdoing, the innocent party is left with no choice if they ardently seek peace.  Peace is in their hands, but it will surely cost.  The narcissist knows very well that this is simply a war of attrition.  In never seeing their fault, they will hold out, knowing that the other party is desperate for peace; desperate enough to wear their responsibility.  Looking at it from the other angle, it is people finding it hard to get over what they did wrong; they take too much (or all the) responsibility.  They are playing the peacekeeper role.  Of course, in narcissistic relationships this works hand-in-hand with the partner who will accept no responsibility.  Most of us also have the pride issue to get over in seeing our own fault, but this is mainly pertinent to relationships where there is give-and-take, and not all-take-and-all-give.  It is a genuine wisdom to discern the actual contribution of fault and to own only what is yours to own.

2.             Going to the other person to talk about the conflict is the second thing we struggle majorly with.  There are at least two issues involved in this.  The first one is, we struggle to have the courage to address the matter with the other person involved, and perhaps we lack faith that we can speak the truth in love.  And it does take a lot of knowledge and skill to hold a crucial conversation successfully.  The second one is, it isn’t safe to go there, because of the person’s reaction.  Perhaps we even know that they will overreact and, maybe it’s violently, or we completely don’t anticipate it, and they do react violently, which in many cases creates trauma.  We know we have to engage with the person who has wronged us, or who we have wronged, but the big unknown is a conversation that goes sideways.  Going to the other person is a very hard thing to do, and we and they are blessed if we can have the conversation.  It is good to discern, however, whether we can or not, and whether we need external assistance or not.  Whenever we go to the narcissist to speak the truth in love, we can always expect it will end up going pear-shaped.  Indeed, this is confirmation that we are dealing with a narcissist; that every challenge is met with unrelenting aggression.

3.             The third and final relationship issue we have the hardest time with is forgiveness.  This is a highly variegated matter.  Particularly pertinent to relationship issues of abuse — when there are clear and enduring inequities in the relationship — we may forgive too easily, especially when the other person hasn’t sought forgiveness, hasn’t repented, when they haven’t learned yet what they need to learn in order to have a viable relationship with us.  Or, perhaps it’s a case that there is no chance of a viable relationship and we must forgive them in a way that transfers their debt they have to us to God; that the good Lord will hold them to account one day.  One of the biggest issues in forgiving and then trusting again too easily is we set ourselves up for more hurt.  Very often in congenial relationships, forgiveness isn’t really an issue, because mercy flows between both parties.  But true reconciling forgiveness is hard, and not truly possible, when there is inherent injustice.

Inspiration for this post is from peacemaking ministry, but I have adjusted the angle of approach and applied it to particularly challenging relationships.

Photo by Harli  Marten on Unsplash

Have you ever thought, “What’s my counsellor thinking?”

It only occurred to me as I explained my thinking process in a recent counselling session that there are probably plenty of people who wonder what’s going on in their counsellor’s thinking when they are receiving therapy.

I mean, it isn’t much of a stretch, given that we do generally wonder what other people are thinking as we interact with them.  We can only imagine others thinking about what we are thinking.

It should go without saying, but some people need to be reassured: counsellors cannot read minds.  We can’t read your thoughts.  I hope that gives you peace if you’re concerned about it.

This article is a simple attempt to unpack how I think in a typical counselling session.  Obviously other counsellors will think differently, but it might be a guide regarding generic therapeutic thought processes.

Even though I would not consider myself a very effective multi-linear thinker, meaning I appreciate being able to think about one thing at a time, I find it is different in the counselling space.  I find I am thinking along multiple planes, for instance:

§     the dynamic between the client and myself.  This is so important in person-centred counselling (Carl Rogers), which is probably my go-to model of counselling, but with a distinctly Christian deployment.  Person-centred counselling, for me, is about holding and containing the client and having an attitude of unconditional positive regard about them, which is implicit with empathy

§     the interaction within my own consciousness.  Together with the dynamic between the client and myself, there is another dynamic actively occurring within my own consciousness; what I’m thinking and why, how my body is feeling, being attuned to my body language and positioning.  All this is part of my process for assessing the overall session and what I need to do to change or maintain things

§     active engagement in the process of unknowing.  When I’m in pure counselling mode, and not in a more mentoring or discipleship mode, so in the mode of enquiry, my mind is actively curious, and I am intentionally practising the technique of unknowing.  This means I note my assumptions of the client and I chuck them out the window.  When I’m doing this, I’m asking questions to drill down into their story to understand it more fully, because the assumption I’m making is I don’t know

§     the involvement of my short-term memory, particularly as I listen being careful not to interrupt at poignant times.  For years now, I have imagined holding thoughts in my short-term memory as if they are balloons.  I can hold about four balloons at any one time, and this is important to me, because again I don’t want to interrupt the flow of a client sharing with me if I don’t need to, plus, when I do get the chance, I know that I have a direction or four to follow, and usually it’s one direction, but with up to four quick inputs or thoughts to mention

§     being functionally present in the room.  Thinking about what’s happening and being focused one-hundred percent and quickly coming back on line if there are a few seconds of internal distraction, which feeds into...

§     seeking information on questions of future – the immediate future and the more distant future – where is this going?  What’s coming up in the next few seconds/minutes?  Where are we at with time?  What questions need to be asked before we conclude this session?  Are we continuing?  Is there a need to refer the client on to another therapist with different skills?

§     thinking theologically and psychologically through audits and paradigms.  I’m auditing myself to ensure I’m doctrinally correct, and I’m accessing theological and psychological tools and principles to consider bringing into the space

§     discerning truth.  There are definitely times where I’m focusing hard on discerning truth, and this is particularly relevant to couples counselling and the possibilities that we are dealing with abuse.  This is probably the only aspect of my role where a client might feel I’m trying to psych them out – I’m not actually.  If it’s the case that I’m trying to discern whether there is abuse or not, I will ask the question, and the responses will usually lead to more information

§     prayer points.  Here I’m trying to find out what we will need to pray about at the end of the session, so these are points of intercession, and of praise and thanksgiving

So there you have it.  A sample of what a counsellor might think when they’re with you.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Boundaries are your rules, you make for you, for your safety

This is a topic that often comes up for discussion in counselling.  What are boundaries and how do I make them?  I love these discussions, because suddenly people start to realise that they have more control over their lives than they otherwise thought they had, or they begin to believe they can have that control.  Boundaries are an incredibly freeing concept, even if they involve the implementation of courage.

First and foremost, boundaries are your rules you make for you for your safety.

Boundaries are your rules.  You get to make them.  You get to make them where you need them, and all of us have some relationships where we need boundaries.  You get to discern what safety and respect you need, and you get to use your own mind, perhaps sometimes with some mentoring help, to determine what a boundary or set of boundaries for a particular relationship will look like.  It’s your heart to discern what relationships need boundaries from those that do not.  It’s your pleasure to encourage those with whom you have relationships with who don’t need boundaries applied to them.  I’m thinking especially the blessing that older, wiser guides are.

The key point is that you want to be in control of your own boundaries.  That said, it might be a case that you don’t feel you are in control at all.  That, in itself, says something.  Do you feel free in all your relationships to set the appropriate boundaries that you need?  It can be a rhetorical question, because none of us go through life without having some relationships that will require boundaries, and these are usually the ones where we find it difficult to set boundaries.

Many times, relationships can start out not needing boundaries, and then the dynamics change, or the circumstances, and then we find boundaries become a necessity, and this can easily strain relationships. The existence of boundaries can say a lot about trust or a lack thereof.  The setting of boundaries can become a real test for the relationship, and it is hoped that people, in respecting the new boundaries, can transcend them.

In the ideal world, there are no boundaries.  I know there are some who would scoff at that statement.  But think about it.  In a Christian world we are called to outdo each other in love.  If only we were committed to Christ enough to do that.  But inevitably we get trampled in some relationships, worst when it is in marriage, though it is still our task to outdo the other in love, and when it is required, the outdoing of love is done in boundaries, for boundaries are love.  In other words, it’s our Christian duty to apply boundaries where they’re required by speaking the truth in love.  In violent relationships, we’ll need the assistance of others.  It may not be safe for us to apply boundaries by ourselves.  Please don’t feel alone.  This is more common than you’d realise.  It is completely not your fault.

Boundaries communicate that there is a need of respect that isn’t being met.  Boundaries suggest that there is room for improvement in a relationship, and if a person has humility enough to transact with the status quo, they can transcend the boundary.  Therefore, boundaries can very much be the grace of a second chance.  But there are also relationships where boundaries are necessary that enforce a rigid border to protect against contact.  Who would endure relationship with a continuously violent person?  (i.e. any pattern narcissistic abuse)

But, of course, we need to be prepared for the reality, that where we need boundaries, the very communication of boundaries to the person we are applying the boundaries to will be an affront to them.  When we anticipate resistance, we have a better chance of communicating the boundaries gently (with fair firmness), but even mentioning them often means more resistance than we could ever have anticipated.

The main thing I really want to say is boundaries are yours to think on and apply in the context of your life.  Yours, all yours.  You are to be in control of how people treat you.  That’s at least what we all can aspire to, that we are in community with people who love and respect us, even as we are committed to loving and respecting everyone.

Photo by Sylwia Bartyzel on Unsplash

Ever had reason to consider giving up? Here’s mine

I can recall distinctly praying that I would never complain about the pleasure and honour of serving God.  Even as I prayed that prayer way back in 2003, I did have the vague feeling that I would come to regret it, but I trusted God.

One of my favourite lines in the Bourne series starring Matt Damon is the quote: “Look at what they make you give.”  The ‘asset’ is an assassin, and they always put their lives on the line in the service of their lethal craft, always either cheating or meeting death.  The past 16 years of my life, from this vantage point today, feel a bit like this.  “What’s it been for?”  “Has it been worth it?”  Of course, the idealism that I had 16 years ago has long vanished.  Indeed, the threat these days is cynicism.  Let me attempt to explain that.

The day I received my letter of offer for my first full-time pastoral role was the same week that I had just received a pay rise in my secular professional employment.  It was a no-brainer for us to accept the pastoral role because I was called to it.  We were delighted at this development, yet there were two figures in front of us: $63,000 and $115,000.  The $63,000 ‘grossed up’ was more like $77,000 so we could actually entertain living on it.  Obviously, a huge disparity.  It was a leap of faith, that worked out for us — in the short term.

Many pastors will know that getting pastoral work is one thing.  Keeping it, especially if you advocate for people, can be another matter.  Pretty soon I found myself out of work, and then we were very blessed that my wife found work.  In the three years I was in full-time pastoral ministry, we lost Nathanael at the halfway mark.  A significant portion of that time was marred by thoughts of loss and then eventual grief.

Being out of work you take whatever work you can get, even as you turn yourself inside out trying to make meaning out of why everything seemed to have gone wrong.  I was fortunate to get a job one day a week as a maintenance person, and even though I didn’t enjoy the work, I held that position for two years.  I also took on work with my ex-wife, delivering meals for her and her husband’s catering business, which was very gracious of them, but again it was work that I didn’t enjoy.  My wife and I were very thankful, however, for that 10 months of work two days a week.  I was also employed as a chaplain at the school where I was the maintenance person, and I remain in that position.  I was very thankful for this appointment.  More recently I have been engaged by another not-for-profit, a charity, and together with one day a week as a pastor in my local church (on a small honorarium) I now work six days per week.  I love it, apart from the fact that I’m always working, because I’m working for God, and for 16 whole years now all I’ve wanted to do is to work for God: to help people. It’s all I want to do.  It’s all I feel I can do.  It’s what I feel I’m made for; to give help to people that I once received, to pay it forward, because when life broke me, serving God became the only thing that made any sense.

Now to the practicalities of the finances and conditions:

As a pastor, I have successfully completed 32 academic Masters units — almost the equivalent of three MBAs.  Three quarters of this has been done on loan — we owe over $60,000 to the government.  I have spent 7.5 years learning the craft to be a pastor and counsellor.  For all sweat and tears of all those studies, we cannot afford to live.  If you have have told me, a tradesman in the late 90s, that one day you’ll have four degrees I’d have said, “Haha, you’re dreaming...”  I feel very blessed.  But...

... we are in a new situation.  For the past nearly four years my wife has been earning enough money on her three days per week at the local council to sustain us financially, especially when I was on part time hours.  My wife earns the same amount in her three days as I do in my six.  We cannot afford for me to serve God for a living, not on chaplaincy or not-for-profit wages.  Think about it.  We want people to serve God, but we are not prepared to pay them enough money that they can live on.  Other school chaplains I know are paid the same low, kind of entry-level wages.  Especially in the context that they and I are working with teachers who for the main are paid pretty well, actually roughly double, I find it hard to comprehend.  Teachers work incredibly hard, don’t hear me wrong.  But how much does society value the work chaplains do?  Ponder that question.

16 years ago, I was well and truly prepared to work for nothing just to help people.  I just wanted to earn enough money for my family to survive, to get by.  Well, we can’t get by.  In my earnest desire to help people, and especially in my relentless sowing during the past four years, where I’ve done countless hours volunteering in my profession (which I did mainly with great joy), we are at a point now where I must look for secular work.

I must find a full-time professional position that will pay a six-figure salary in case my wife can’t find work.  It does not matter what my heart says.  This is the reason why I wanted to give up.  Not for any other reason.  If you ask my wife, she would tell you that the only thing that ever bothers me is what I do, and I know you might say, you are more than what you do, and I know that.  I dream of a situation where my work is not the main driving priority of my life.  But that hasn’t been my luxury for so many years now that I’m conditioned to feel like giving up.  If that makes me weak, so be it.  I just want to be on record to say that it is ridiculous to encourage people to take up a call of God and not support them in it.

While we’re at it, in 13 years of marriage the longest holiday my wife and I have had away is in the order of three to five days — no overseas or interstate holidays.  We own basically nothing except for the tools of our trade — a couple of old motor vehicles, computers, books, etc.  All this would be okay if only we could live.  We covet nothing in the material sense.  We just want to afford to live.  And serve God.

I want to affirm you if you can’t see God moving in your life right now, because it’s a reality we all face eventually.  Not being able to see does not mean that God isn’t moving. Indeed, we are told the evidence of our faith “is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”  (Hebrews 11:1)

We must hold onto hope even when all seems hopeless.  And I need to take my own advice.

Image: preaching my first sermon in Gnowangerup, July 2005.