One reason the abuser doesn’t appear abusive all the time

Just have to love the wisdom of others in this advocacy community.  On my way to work I patched into a Zoom with Psalm 82 Initiative and Sarah McDugal, and there was so much in that I just felt led to write on, but of course, God gives me the choice to pick one thing.

One of the common things many of us hear is, “They don’t abuse me all the time; it only happens once a year/once a month,” or “He/she seems nice most of the time; it does my head in.”

When we think about it this makes sense.  An abuser KNOWS they cannot get away with abusing their victim all the time.  Their abuse is a dance.  When we see this, we see all their behaviour as manipulative and intimidating, albeit covert in expression.

When they’re being ‘nice’, because if they’re not nice you may not hang around, they’re ALSO being abusive — they’re being manipulative.  They know they can only press you so far.  It’s like the clever gifts they give or the things they do for you instead of actually apologing.  Or, any other behaviour of concession that isn’t an apology.  And remember genuine apology always has an element of repentance — of turning away from the abusive behaviour in this context — about it.

The key thing that fired off in me when I heard this is, victims of abuse are not just being abused in the act of abuse; they’re also being manipulated (abused) throughout — in the good times as well — and these ‘good times’ can often be used against the victim to intimidate them later.

For the abuser, they need to keep the one they’re abusing thinking, “Well, if this is abuse, it’s not bad enough to leave...” or, “Is this actually abusive; he/she is nice most of the time.”

The one sure thing we all can do in our relationships is have honest conversations where truth is discussed.  That will be a red flag for some; if there is an avoidance for that at all costs in the one you feel could be abusive, you have to begin to wonder if the relationship is based on the love inherent in equality.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash