When there’s merit in couples counselling and when there isn’t

Thankfully, it seems, more therapists and pastors are becoming wary when it comes to couples counselling.  It definitely has merits for couples who have the same goals, and equivalent willingness and power in the relationship, but there can be red flag issues, and they’re not always obvious at their first presentation.

Often times there’s more initial merit in doing the deeper work at a personal level.  That’s actually one red flag — when partners are not prepared to do their own inner work with a counsellor.

A victim of abuse will generally be keen to do such work, for obvious reasons of personal support, but their abusive partner will be far less willing for a counsellor to get access to themselves or their partner.

Sometimes it’s imperative to meet with one partner early on to establish (without asking directly) whether there is either a safety issue or an issue of aggression.

For some, the inner work is about working on why they’re actively or passively aggressive, and for others the inner work is on boundaries and responses of assertiveness and safe resistance.

All persons who present with conflicted relationships can do with inner work in terms of trauma — because unmet, unacknowledged, unprocessed trauma can create dynamics of both aggression and submission, usually one in one, and the other in the other.

All this in terms of couples counselling blurs into oblivion when there’s abuse.

I can’t counsel someone to be more assertive when I know they’re entering a situation where their partner will use that ramp up their aggression.  It only makes relationship situations more dangerous.

It’s better for me to equip them with tools to see potential abuse situations — and, when you’re talking about the less obvious abuse dynamics, these are always subtle nuances.  If a person can see what their relationship is really like — and it’s THEIR eyes that are important — they’re in a better position to decide what’s next.

Equally, I won’t counsel someone to be less aggressive when I feel they’re only going to work me over and manipulate my perception.  That can often be the goal of aggressors — to have their way by justifying how ‘reasonable’ they are; to be seen as the ‘good guy’ (gender inclusive).

The thing to note is there’s always a high conditionality about their cooperation in the counselling process.  They cannot and do not give ALL of themselves to it.  They will show this by their wanting to steer and manage the process.  Counsellors can often feel this coming from a mile off.

There’s a big difference between someone who is making mistakes and wants to correct them and someone who feels entitled to do as they please.

It’s not hard to tell one from the other.

The test is in the genuineness of a person to STAY in their own work.  It’s demonstrated by constantly wanting to understand and work on their own stuff.  It’s a dream when both partners genuinely are doing this.

But apart from a partner waving the flag of desperation, I’ve seen some people be so intent on proving they’ve done great staying in their own work only to throw their partner under a bus.  It’s an obvious and a visible abuse done right there in the counselling room!

The key test is no self-justification, no coercion, no trying to manipulate things.

If a person feels unsafe in their relationship, they’d be better to see a counsellor on their own, in secret if necessary.  There’s no betrayal in doing this.

So often the one who’s being abused is not only protecting themselves but others too.  But for their own life’s sake, a person’s safety is more important than a relationship’s status.

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Remember that Jacob wrestled, it’s okay that you struggle too

Though I would love the capacity to give up, turn around and stop doing what I do, it appears I cannot.  When life is down, and I’ve received bad news after bad, and my soul sinks, I cannot stop hoping, even when I do temporarily give up hope — if that makes any sense at all.  The effect is I’m broken by what I cannot reconcile.  The fact I can’t let go of hope makes wanting to feel a confounding, confusing conundrum.

Do you struggle for hope from time to time?

Moments like this we can either flip off in a rage or we melt in a puddle of tears — or a mix of both.  Often, anxiety can send us into numbness as well, and there are combinations of all these, anger, tears, numbness, among others.

I made a choice a long time ago now to FEEL the pain.  I just am unable to deny my feelings these days; though, if it’s inconvenient, like I’m helping someone, I can choose the strategic withdrawal of what’s termed a functional denial — for a time — to focus on the other person.  With what I do, I need to be able to do that.  But I don’t escape.

Those feelings must be met, encountered, rummaged through, resolved.

It’s easy to get down on ourselves when we’re ‘meant’ to “give thanks always,” knowing we aren’t always thankful.  We must remember that even Jacob (otherwise known as, Israel) wrestled.  It’s okay that we struggle too.

It’s only from the state of genuine anxiety and of feeling depressed that we recognise it’s not always possible to FEEL thankful, or to be present for that matter.

It may make sense in our head, but for some reason our heart feels forlorn, or perhaps even our thoughts are scattered.  And there the wrestle begins again — to regain that thankful spirit.

It’s instructive then to have experienced this sense of helpless hopelessness.  To have experienced it means we’re invited to become capable empathisers of those who would give anything to feel thankful, but for a plethora of reasons can’t or aren’t.

We’re capable of such empathy because we know what it feels like to be confounded.

Faith is a wrestle.  Anyone who says it isn’t just doesn’t understand the full gamut of humanity — we are FEELING creatures, and whether you divert your sadness into anger or denial matters little — you’re still being emotional.  It would be better by far to tip that anger into authenticity and feel the sadness and fear as it presents or face the feelings with courage and not cheat ourselves of reality through denial.

Feeling out of control is the pits, yet that too is instructive, because it’s only when we get to the end of ourselves that we see the door is ajar to humility.

Accept what cannot be changed and we walk right through that door.

We can only walk through one door at a time.  And that’s all each moment requires of us.

But to make matters worse, when we’re struggling, when the wrestle is real, we find we’re wrestling most with ourselves, within ourselves, and we somehow know it, and we want that wrestle to conclude with a neat resolution.

The fact that we’re even wrestling is a victory.  It seems easier for most not to go there.  But those of faith have no choice.  There’s no option but to fight, and the struggle is real.

The fact we’re wrestling reveals the fighter in us, not needing to fight with others, but needing to fight off attacks that strike inwardly; those that create dissonance for reasons unknown.

If you’re a fighter, a wrestler, a struggler, be glad.

Make the most of times you’re on top.  When you’re battling your way back up off the canvas, know it’s your nature to fight, to resist capitulation, to wrestle with how you feel, and to resolve it through acceptance.

Most importantly, resolve not to be guilted into shame for feeling weak.

Though you feel weak, strength is your ally.  Strength for feeling real.  Strength that you cannot be a coward — that when the wrestle presents, you find you must fight, even if that’s out of being floored.  Strength that even when we give up, you find the tenacity to ascend eventually.

There’s no shame in finding ourselves at that low place.  It’s from there we rise.

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How narcissists use manipulation to exploit misunderstanding

One of the malevolent forms of manipulation is the intentional use of misunderstanding, so that the person being abused is told they are: 

·               this ‘kind’ of person when they aren’t; 

·               not that ‘kind’ of person when they are; 

·               not experiencing something they are; 

·               experiencing something they’re not;

In sum, the person abused is gaslit to the maximum of being misunderstood.  Often, they’re gobsmacked, and at a complete loss to respond.

At times there’s a reaction, but much of the time it’s delayed, even as it triggers the victim sending them reeling for days afterwards.

~

The goal of human connection is mutual understanding and empathy.  It’s in achieving mutual understanding and the giving and receiving of each other’s empathy that intimacy is founded.

Narcissists, the cleverest of them, however, subvert this human need and exploit it through the craftiest of manipulation that gaslights the target to their face.  They load up the shot with a straight face and deliver the charge knowing full well there will be a reaction — sooner or later, and sometimes the later the better.  And the person receiving what SEEMS to be at least half true is simply undone by the self-assured appearance of the delivery of the manipulation.  It’s a wily masterstroke that has deft stealing, killing, destroying effect each time.

In knowing they’ll cause their target to overreact and knowing that causing them to overreact is a win, they are super cool and appear to then be the victim when the true victim reacts.  But remember what they used — a LIE — to exploit the vulnerability of their victim.

Now, if a person overreacts because they’ve gently been told a truth for their and others’ benefit, and they’re cared for in the moment of overreacting and afterwards — and the person themselves FEELS cared for — there’s an example of investing for human connection.

There’s no harm in someone reacting out of hurt if the interaction can be calmed — if both people have a heart for reconciling the moment.  Abuser’s don’t, plain and simple — their heart is bent on exploitation. 

Abuse always seeks to disconnect.  The manipulation of understanding is a key technique in the narcissist’s armoury, because deep down they need to expose flaws in others that exist so centrally in themselves.

~

There’s nothing sinful in reacting to being misunderstood.  If a caring person who’s interacting with you sees you feel misunderstood, they endeavour to further clarify what they’re saying and try to understand what they’re missing.

If a narcissist feels misunderstood — and remember, that’s their characterisation especially if they’re a vulnerable narcissist — they cannot be reconciled with.

Anyone who genuinely seeks mutual peace isn’t a narcissist.

~

Relationships that are treasured feature a mutual desire to make peace, and relief’s experienced when mutual understanding grows, and trust deepens, and respect is felt jointly.

But a narcissist will never work toward such goals, because intimacy requires vulnerability, and there’s a vacuum in the narcissist in that regard.  They cannot tap into their vulnerability, but instead exploit others’ vulnerability.

Narcissists love to sow discord and a great low-risk way for them to do that is to position their victim in a place where their victim’s reaction draws the negative attention of others and shame from within themselves.

Quite an irony then that the narcissist has the most impressive inventory of shame.  Their stock in trade is to create shame in others.  This is how you know the narcissist: they want you shamed and far from peace, because that’s where they sit.

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Pastoral prayer for nurses and allied health workers

The International Council of Nurses (ICN) issued an update that said: “World’s nurses facing massive trauma, immediate danger to the profession and future of our health...”

For those of us who can’t do anything other than support them with our thoughts and prayers, here is a prayer:

Gracious God

At times when there are many millions battling virus, there are health workers stretched to beyond breaking point.  Our nurses at the frontline are suffering silently, with support only from embattled colleagues and their families, and perhaps mental health and other services that are made available to them.

Our nurses know there is generic community support for their essential work, but that’s vague at best when they require concrete interventions for their support, rest and recovery.  Hear their prayers and ours.  Provide their needs, including enough income matching with their value.  Give them the assurance of substantial care.

This prayer is for the nurse right now who fears becoming ill, for the one who has succumbed to the virus or other disease, and for the one has lost colleagues or fears losing colleagues to any pathogen.

Give to our nurses and allied healthcare workers a compensation of peace that transcends their understanding despite their fear, and tangible comfort in their grief.

Help our nurses and allied healthcare workers to know how thankful we are for their service, for their cultural awareness and empathy for their patients, for their professionalism and care, for their attention to detail, tact and problem solving, for their time management, for the communication and compassion, for their capacity to bear stress and placate conflict, and for the many times they’re disrespected in the course of their duty.

For those experiencing everything from physical fatigue to compassion fatigue to burnout, we uphold prayers that their prayers would be answered, that they would receive the rest, the peace, the space, the replenishment that they need.

We pray that out nurses and allied healthcare workers would be protected and kept safe from the physical and psychological hazards and threats present when serving patients, clients and others.

That hospitals, medical centres, and employers of all kinds, would seriously and diligently manage safety so risks to employee and public health and safety are lessened, even eliminated where possible.  Where employees are listened to, respected, and honoured by action that secures their health and safety.

Finally, we pray that in every way our nurses and allied healthcare workers would know beyond doubt the incredible value they represent to our societies.

That they would experience pride for their contributions of blood, sweat and tears.

That all others, all of us, in our societies would sincerely recognise their crucial role through cooperating with them, trusting them and respecting them.

AMEN.

Photo by Vladimir Fedotov on Unsplash

Forgive (the repentant) just as God has forgiven you (because you repented)

Response is key in the model of biblical forgiveness.  Though each and every single one of us stand forgiven by God through Christ, it is up to each and every single one of us to respond to that free gift. It’s there for our taking.  But if we decide to thumb our nose at God, the Lord will say, “Suit yourself in rejecting the divine peace that saves your life.”

The same principle applies to people-to-people transactions of redemption or reticence.  Those who seek to reconcile are blessed by peace, because they do all they can do to live at peace with others.

In the context of forgiveness, there are situations where we wrong people and we’re to seek their forgiveness — to apologise to the degree of setting things right.

It’s obvious that the reverse applies.  If others wrong us, and they seek to live at peace with us, they seek our forgiveness — they apologise to the degree of setting things right.

If a person refuses to own what they did — perhaps they see things completely differently — there is a stalemate, but at least there is no compulsion on the person wronged to forgive.  They cannot complete the transaction of forgiving the other person unless the other person comes and seeks to be forgiven.

Some people argue that a person coming to us and seeking to be forgiven is reconciliation, and I disagree.  A person can come, we can forgive them, and still, we both agree that we move on — is that reconciliation?  It’s agreement, that’s all.  We can forgive a person and not trust them anymore.

When a person has abused us sexually or spiritually or mentally or emotionally or physically or socially or financially — with far reaching effect — and that person refuses to own what they did, which is tragically all too common, we have a double or compounding abuse.

THE POWER IN A CONJUNCTION

When we read the words from Ephesians 4:32, “... forgive each other, just as in Christ God forgave you,” we may instantly think, “But, God!  Don’t you know what they did to me... and can’t you see how they’re spurning justice, refusing to own how they treated me?”

But now think of the word ‘just as’ from the above verse — the Greek word, kathos.  Such a simple word.  Packed full of meaning.  That’s right.  A simple conjunction.  And an important one!

If God has created a salvation-construct that relies principally on our response, we too can rely on another’s response JUST AS God has.  Indeed, we’d be remiss to ‘forgive’ another’s debt without their recognition of their wrong, just as we’d be unreasonable in expecting others to forgive our debt if we failed to recognise our wrong.

POWER ROLES AND MERCY

Some cite the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant as one failing the test of forgiveness.  Trouble with that is, that parable profiles the POWERFUL one doing the forgiving, not the one with least power.  That parable is completely inappropriate to use in the context of a less powerful person (one who’s been abused) forgiving their unrepentant abuser.

Also, note that the parable is more about mercy than forgiveness.  Note that if an abused person extended that mercy to their abuser, there would be no calling to account for the abuser and they could reasonably be expected to go on in their abusing people.  More people would or could be harmed.

In the situation of someone having been abused, it can seem to the abuser that the abused party has the power of accusation against them, but only one party has the power to extend a mercy that is befitting of truth and love in the realm of justice — a mercy that ends the iniquity redeems the good.

By an abuser’s apology they extend the mercy of the truth to their victim.  The injustice is over.  Finally, as they turn away from lies of denial, no longer dissociating from the truth — as they face it and what they did to their victim — they’re in a place of potentially being forgiven, JUST AS God forgave them when they about-faced to face Divine Forgiveness having repented.

But not beforehand.  To extend the mercy of ‘forgiveness’ to one who’s harmed people, BEFORE they had repented, would mean they’d learn absolutely nothing, and others would stand to be harmed as a result, and absolutely no healing would be experienced, only more nonsensical harm.

It’s a good thing when people herald the harm that’s occurred.  Unless situations like this are brought sensibly to a head, no justice will be done, which means the injustice will continue.  Harm continues to be felt and further harm is done.

‘IF’ IS ANOTHER IMPORTANT WORD

Nobody who claims to believe in and live for the gospel refuses to forgive those who earnestly seek to be forgiven.

It’s only those who never seek to be forgiven, who never repent, who make a mockery of what God instituted as justice from the beginning.  Jesus himself said, “if they repent, forgive them.” (bold for emphasis)

IF is an important word.

Finally, one further biblical example.  Just as God said the now famous words in 2 Chronicles 7:14, “... if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and heal their land,” God used that most powerful word ‘IF’, and we can know that God does not expect us to EXCEED the divine measure of grace.

The divine measure of grace is a repentance that: 1) humbles oneself, 2) prays, 3) seeks God’s face, and 4) turns from wicked ways.  THEN God forgives and heals, not beforehand.

God has created the divine measure of grace.  Who are we to go outside these guidelines?

Waiting on repentance in order to forgive harm done is not ungracious, because it is just, and justice matters where the vulnerable have been trampled.

Had it been the powerful who were harmed, justice would be executed swiftly, and possibly severely.  Look at those who wait on justice and may go a lifetime without it — it’s the vulnerable.

Grace abounds when offenders right their wrongs before they’re exposed.  Sadly, it so rarely happens.

And NONE of the foregoing says it’s beyond a person to forgive anything they feel led to forgive.  It’s just that there needs to be space for justice where harms have been done.

When people feel valued, they feel loved, respected, appreciated, and ultimately safe

I’ve been thinking a lot of late about the exhortation of Paul: “value others above yourselves” from Philippians 2:3-4.  Why: in recognition for what we’ve received.  How: through humility, only through humility is it possible.

In essence, we’re only able to value others above ourselves when we’re grateful.

Truly, people go the extra mile when they’re appreciated, and when a person feels appreciated, below it all, they feel valued.  They feel prized, important, worth the time and effort of kindness, patience, grace, compassion and gentleness.

When we value others, ultimately, we feel valued ourselves — by God.

Like joy is an inside job, so is every form of love that gives from an altruistic heart, and every true motive of love is from God.  It’s an inexplicable thing that exudes from deep within us, always without explanation so none of us can take the credit that belongs to God alone.

We can only ever be grateful for the love we’ve received which compels us to give.

Humility is a character trait that always gives back.  The more we sow in love toward others, the more we experience the depth of God’s love, and the more we see others grow in confidence, the more ours blooms, seeing the fruit of kindness flourish.

As hope abounds, peace endures, and joy abides.

The cause is love and effect is love, just as this thing called ‘valuing another above ourselves’ multiplies and keeps ever expanding, as ripples of rings of love serenely keep their pattern ever flowing outwards.  As people feel valued, they want to outdo the others’ love.

Anyone who feels truly valued will always respond by trying to return that love. 

Through the mere act of love, which gives as much as it can, a person feels valued, thought of, considered, and above all, worthy of such love, because love is gift that doesn’t need to be given, but is given through choice — 

“I do this because I WANT to; I CAN, so I DO.”

Very importantly, the yardstick of love is that the other person feels valued, treasured, precious, cherished, adored.

“I do this because I know you will feel loved,” because a loving act is considered by the person receiving it as loving.  If the person receiving the love doesn’t find it loving, it isn’t loving, even if the motive was loving.  The measure of love is the person receiving it feels valued.

This is why valuing others is the supreme way of loving them; feeling valued, even if it feels intangible, is about the best way to make love perceptible and real, and when a person feels valued, they know without a shadow of a doubt they’re loved.

There’s something indomitable about a love that works to the extent that a person feels valued; it’s a force that creates the urge to reciprocate.  The love of valuing others overcomes everything set against love, including demonstrative evils and every ambivalence.

There’s no better way of being human than of valuing others because we feel God’s love.

The love of being valued reminds us of the safety of feeling truly home, as if it were in eternity — our one true Home.  So many have had unsafe homes but feeling valued is close to the concept of feeling at home.  Such a feeling has the essence of sanctuary about it.

Opportunities abound not despite Losses but because of them

Many of us had certain lives that were cut short and curtailed whether we had something to do with it or not.  Loss takes us on that journey, and there are myriad forms of loss — death of loved ones is most obvious, but there are marriages, careers, homes, and sometimes a range of losses in one life event.

Regret is a big part of the journey of loss, because it’s inevitable we’ll have wanted to have done some things differently.  That’s as we look back.

But as we look ahead, we can soon still see cause for regret if our focus isn’t straight.  Sometimes we look ahead whilst still having half an eye on what’s been.

When we look back while looking ahead, impinged by regrets that mount up in the form of resentments, we begin to see what was done to us instead of what has become of us.

We don’t think of the life opportunities we’ve been presented since the moment everything changed.  We don’t figure that had life continued as it was, we wouldn’t have had the experiences we’d had, and we wouldn’t have met the people we now love.

I belong to a global survivor community, for instance, and had things not happened to me and my wife — things that should not have happened — I wouldn’t know these people.  I’ve got a lot of affection for many of these people, knowing their stories as they know mine, we’ve been in situations where we’ve provided a lot of empathy, support and care to each other.  It’s the same with the diagnosis and loss of our son, Nathanael.  We would never have had the opportunity to love and be loved by a global Pallister-Killian Syndrome community.  We’ve especially enjoyed the fellowship of the Foundation in Australia, including the opportunity for me to serve on the Board.

None of these relationships would have existed had we not been through the experiences we’ve had.

It’s the same with the experiences we’re given.  What seemed like the worst thing — the loss we could do nothing about — comes around as our gain when we consider the experiences we’ve gained, and many of these have taken us to the brink.

This is no sadistic jaunt into self-flagellation — to embrace one’s learning outbound of suffering is a biblical concept.

When James said, “Brothers and sisters, consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds,” he was speaking of a wisdom only those who truly seek God are given.

Suffering isn’t intended to crush us; it’s intended that through our weakness we would be strengthened in our inner being — that through being broken we’d become softer, more pliable vessels, humble, so that at the right time God would exalt us — the Lord’s doing, not our own.  And no less do we learn how strong we can be when our backs are against the wall.

When life takes a turn it never returns to where it was, and it can take years or even longer to finally walk on without regret or resentment.

Think of not that which was lost, but that which would never have been had it not been for the massive change in life circumstances.  As they old grieving hymn writer wrote, It is well!

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