Placating the tiny, fiery conflict moment common in marriage

Living in lockdown, working from home, sipping coffee, I look outside, and see my wife tending to the new camping trailer we are putting together.  It’s our new pride-and-joy as we plan a holiday journey to the place I grew up mid-year.

She’s putting bits and pieces into it, working out which bits go where, and generally making a home for everything, and my heart is moved to notice what she’s doing for us.

She comes inside, and I move towards her as she begins to cut open a hard plastic case holding brand-new kitchen knives.

I start to talk to her, gushing a little at her propriety, and then she goes, “Ouch!”

Two little lacerations on her thumb, and she is instantly annoyed!  (Note to self at this moment: “Not good!”)  Saying nothing, I go immediately in search of bandaids, knowing straightaway that my attempt at vocalising love is in vain because of this incident—that, due to my distracting her, I have caused.

I secured the bandaids and fixed one around the thumb that she’d cut.  Neither of us are game to say anything.  Still a long pause.  Talk about liminal space!

“I was going to wash all these bits and pieces [100 of them!], and now I can’t because of this stupid band-aided thumb!”

Without one word, feeling pretty sheepish by this stage, I move straight toward the sink and start running hot water.

No word of a lie, 15 minutes later, and I have washed those 100 dishes, as the mood within our house gradually settled.  100 dishes penance for trying to love my wife with a kind word ...

BUT, massive barney avoided! 

Oh, how that would’ve been a different story in the first years of our marriage. And there have been plenty of times throughout our marriage where either of us would’ve taken offence, and a flashover of marital conflict would’ve boiled over.

I could easily have been offended about her complete disregard of my compliments.  And at other times I have been.  But had I taken offence I would’ve completely disregarded how frustrating it must’ve been for someone to insist on talking at the wrong time—when she was focused on a fine motor task using sharp blades.

I had to swallow my pride, and at the same time admit, whilst it might have been sweet to notice something nice, it was hardly the time to say it.

I also had to admit that it’s okay to have made the mistake, to do a good thing but at the wrong time.  The cut thumb was momentarily painful, and band-aided meant annoying inconvenience for her for a day or so.  But anyone can make the mistake.  For me, that was about not feeling stupid and for Sarah it meant forgiving the mistake.

We managed to avoid conflict on this occasion, and on each occasion we do we gain confidence in our marriage, even as we have a laugh with each other.  We did use it as a point of humour about quarter of an hour later, but it required me to get over myself in the initial moments.  I had to get over my pride and make space for silence, appreciating that it was my distraction that caused the incident in the first place.

Marriages are truly make-or-break out of negotiating these very banal situations of marital working together.  These small moments and wee hours and the little things that are significant.  And marriage and family are FULL of these moments, each of which need to be negotiated.

Managing or regulating our emotions; it’s both an individual and mutual responsibility in marriage.