The domestic perils of which we do not know

As someone who regularly works with those struggling with addiction, I was actually a little surprised to find out recently how many people are secretly addicted to methamphetamine.  There was one story shared with me of a middle-aged professional who kept his meth habit a secret for 30 years.  Even his wife had no idea until he was busted.

Just the same, there are many people—wives, children, husbands—who bear the terrible secret of domestic abuse; physical, emotional, verbal, spiritual, social, financial, etc., and the usual combinations of the types of abuse, because abuse is so often variegated.

When I worked as a school chaplain, it was hard for me to imagine that, statistically, there were at least a few girls (1-in-4) and boys (1-in-6) in each class I went into that either have seen or have been or will be abused.  It’s sobering.  And it’s trauma.

The trauma that comes from secret domestic abuse, whether you’re the direct target or it’s someone else you care about, is devastating.

For those of us in averagely dysfunctional families (for all families have their dysfunctions!) it can seem a far stretch to even imagine what persons next door or just down the road a bit suffer.

We may work with sufferers and perpetrators of domestic abuse, and the fact is, we all do.

For those we do interact with who may return to toxic unsafe homes, we’re not so much called to do anything other than be aware and be ready to believe.

If we’re ever trusted with an adult person’s deadly secret—that they or others they love suffer or are in mortal danger—we can be ready to hold that information and hold and contain them.

Simply being believed is a huge relief for the person ‘coming out’, reporting their pain as they trust another person.

Believing another person’s account of what they’re suffering is not about judging the person perpetrating the abuse—it’s about providing support for the abused.  Judge the perpetrator and suddenly we’re less effective and less safe to the victim.  They ought to be afforded a little space from the stress of managing another emotional person.

Supporting the person who is beginning to open up is about ensuring they’re as much in control of the process as they can be.

Remember, they’re probably not accustomed to being in control, so opening space for them, being nonjudgmental, is a gift we can give them.  We do them no favours in being angry toward their oppressor, but we can hold and contain them in their anger, neither being effusively positive or negative about it.

Our role in journeying with a person who is suffering abuse is more a case of coming alongside as someone without a strong opinion who is prepared for anger, tears, nothingness, moodiness, aloneness, guilt, shame, denial, and many emotions between.

We cannot solve many of our own problems, so why do we place ourselves in a position of pressure to solve others’ problems?  Just walk with them.

Seek not to solve anything, just be an advocate of belief in them, prepared to support them whether they want change or not.

Photo by Zach Guinta on Unsplash