You can’t have a relationship with someone who refuses to relate

We’ve all been in those situations in certain relationships where it doesn’t matter what you think, you can’t say what you want.  By their aggressive behaviour, the other person shows they simply don’t permit it.  If you value peace, you don’t present your views.

Such a person presents their own views incessantly, of course.  It’s their prerogative to impart their views which are presumed correct, and can never be corrected, there’s just no correspondence to be entered into.

You might have a face pop to mind.  At this point it’s good to check if anyone might view us this way.

We have relationships with people we can relate with.  But some people refuse that equal part that’s supposed to be shared.

There’s power in relationships, and those who take power are those who refuse to relate.  Relating must be done on their terms and that’s no relationship.

Here are some dynamics that indicate toxicity or a blockage to relating:

§     Their right is to do most of the talking and your role is always to listen—they consume the vocal bandwidth and allow no space for you to say much

§     Or, they insist you do the talking and when you can’t, they accuse you of keeping secrets or holding back—not the power in pressure

§     They correct you routinely; they’re always right and you’re always wrong

§     If you do have a point, they dismiss it and move on quickly; to where the next conquest is

§     When they ‘help you’ it’s always presented as such a favour, but the heart and action behind their help is manipulation and self-aggrandisation

§     There is absolutely zero vulnerability in the one upon whom refuses to relate, and what that translates to is power for their gain as the relationship exists to make you vulnerable

§     At all times the game that the relationship is gets played on their terms, and anytime they seem to relinquish power is a deception.  They know that keeping their power relies on them staying in relationship with you—they always retain a hold of their power

§     When they’re around others they wish to deceive, they’ll treat you differently, better.  But as soon as you’re alone with them again, they revert to the simmering tyrant

§     Everything is a drama or on the cusp of being a drama, but you, who don’t get the freedom to use the coercive control they use routinely, are the only one accused of being ‘the drama queen’

§     Everything is on their terms and with such a person there’s no way of relating

Whatever we do when we’re in relationship with the one whom refuses to relate, we maintain our emotional equilibrium.  There is only satisfaction for the toxic one when we lose our cool—it’s one of their objectives, so don’t give them that satisfaction.

What do we do?  The fruit of the Spirit of patience helps us to know we can only win by refusing to win.  The fruit of the Spirit of kindness helps us to be gracious toward ourselves when we feel temptations rise to right the situation.  Kindness overcomes evil by doing good.  The fruit of the Spirit of gentleness helps us to be gentle with ourselves, knowing we’re goaded toward anger.

When we demonstrate patience, kindness and gentleness THEN we have won the battle—and not just for ourselves.

Photo by Reymark Franke on Unsplash