Raising controversial issues safely in conversation

One of the hardest things to do amid the conflict of unaddressed issues is to speak the truth in love.  Hardly ever do we achieve the perfect balance of being direct and kind in our delivery, and even when we do there’s no guarantee loving truth will be well received.

All relationships, at least in theory, should be characterised as being safe enough for parties to communicate important truth.  When we cannot—when we must repress what’s important to us—it’s a red flag and a warning for the sustainability of the relationship.

Early in all relationships, there should be space made to test the response of the partner or other person we’re in a relationship with—for instance, workplace relationships.

How do people respond when we cannot give them what they desire?  It’s an important question.

The fact is we’ll all be in situations where we cannot give people what they want from us.

If there’s no capacity for us to say ‘no’ or ‘not yet’ or ‘I cannot do that’ and they can’t or won’t accept what we say, where does that leave us or, for that matter, the relationship?

In all good (a.k.a. safe and sound) relationships, there’s the ability—and freedom no less—to make up our mind about what’s respectful and safe and have those decisions respected.

Where there are those safe and peaceful dynamics in our relationship there’s less chance we’re going to end up in a screaming match, but the reality is, all our relationships reveal signs of strain on some topics at some times.

Crucial conversations could be described three ways:

1.             The thriving conversation – where both are ready and equipped to chat about truths that will improve the relationship for one or both.  These conversations feature both partners able to stay in their own stuff and not thrust blame outward

2.             The tenuous conversation – where truth is potentially held back because of concern for how it will be received – we won’t know until we test the boundary

3.             The toxic conversation – where either the discussion is had and there are volatile reactions or controversial matters aren’t raised because they can’t be

Handling the second and third conversations involves some thought.  Perhaps for the third we’d not want to be confronted with such likelihood of aggression.

To commence these discussions, it’s always a good idea to pick the right moment, when partners aren’t tired, when the mood is right.  If we never get an opportunity because the mood is never right or they’re always tired, it’s a problem.

Then it’s about communicating first and foremost what’s safe and good about the relationship.  A lot of horrible conflict experiences can be avoided merely by using some form of icebreaker.  Communicating what’s safe and good about the relationship is affirming.

Once there’s some warmth about the discussion, the scene is set to speak truth kindly.  And with kindness there’s some license to be clear and direct.  Being ready to negotiate the heat of our emotions as they rise, we need to keep counselling ourselves to be calm and retain perspective.  With calmness, we can communicate truth courageously because it’s kindly expressed.

Being prepared to listen and to ask questions rather than remark with judgment is best wherever possible.

In conflict laden moments simply slowing things down helps.  And it’s just as important to communicate “in the adult,” which is logically, responsibly, reliably (safe), realistically, and reasonably.  Practically, it’s about lowering the intensity in our voice, slowing down our speech, being gentler and more patient.

It’s really important in high stakes and high emotion situations to give people space to absorb what’s been tough to hear.  It usually takes a day or even two to adjust to hard things heard.  Vocalising this is important, like saying, “Please don’t feel you need to respond right now.  Let’s give ourselves some time and once we feel we’re ready...”

All relationships need short lines of account if they’re to remain healthy.  The best thing about the best relationships is the capacity to be truthful without fearing something bad is going to happen.