The intimacy gap in intimate relationships

I’m just going to be honest here and write about something we all struggle with, particularly say with most in our family other than our partner perhaps.

We all struggle being completely ourselves with our children, our parents, our siblings, our friends, etc.  The evidence of this is how we overcompensate for moments when either or both of us is preoccupied by the intimacy gap—and it often happens in tandem, that is, either both overcompensating, or one overcompensating and the other reacting to it.  Overcompensating will manifest in being overly praiseworthy of the other, overly humorous, overly apologetic, and even (sadly) overly critical and judgmental.

The fact is we can’t be as intimate with everyone we’d like to be intimate with.

Intimacy like this is essentially the confidence of being completely ourselves, together with completely accepting of the other person.  The clash comes when there is even the remotest distraction, because to get such a focus right in a relationship that isn’t typically our closest one is hard.

It needs to be said at this point—another thing that’s overwhelmingly normal—is there are many people who don’t have a single symbiotic relationship; that is, someone that can absolutely be themselves around.  Whilst this is hard and sad, it’s also normal, and many of us recall these times in our past if we’ve transcended it now.

Now of course we accept the other person—a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend—at one level, because we love them with an indissoluble love.  But we may not always accept what they think, say, or do, for instance.  There’s also the issue very often of a mismatch in mood or life situation, so much so that it’s hard to empathise.

And having the confidence to be truly ourselves isn’t always the easiest thing either.  It’s always easier to be full of confidence in ourselves when there’s the symbiosis of the partner relationship—though not all partner relationships bear that innate intimacy.

The key to be aware of is it’s okay that there’s an intimacy gap in relationships we want to be intimate with.

Being honest about it is the key.  When we’re honest that we love this other person, yet we don’t feel always so natural in the relationship that at times we overcompensate, we then tend to relax a little.

It’s exactly the same in moderating or regulating our emotional response to stimuli that we’ll be fearful or angry of.  First, it’s a matter of recognising that we’re feeling something uncomfortable, feeling it in an area of our body, being mindful about that as a physical feeling, reflecting on the emotions that arise, THEN (and only then afterwards) responding behaviourally.  This response from the higher mind is always more reasonable, rational, reliable, responsible, and logical—more adult.  Good responses like this build confidence because others and ourselves see a mature response that is calm, ordered, reflective, respectful.

It's okay that we have parents and children and siblings and friends that we love yet we don’t feel 100 percent intimate with.  We typically can only be that intimate with our partner or with one special person.

Accepting the intimacy gap is the springboard to higher awareness so we can relax in that relationship, being present with them, minimising the reaction of overcompensating.