Accepting the enduring denial in grief

Since Mum’s spirit left this earth back in August, I’ve been reminded of the enduring lastingness of loss.  One thing I’ve found altogether too true is I’m experiencing an enduring denial for the fact that it seems incredibly unreal for her to be gone.  But this is counterbalanced by the feeling that Mum’s been gone longer than she has—it’s not even been 100 days yet.

When I discuss the enduring denial in grief what I mean is losing someone precious remains intangibly incomprehensible.  It doesn’t seem real that the precious one is gone.

This is probably because we have an uncomfortable and an unsteady relationship with death in our society at our time.

It seems too unreal that the person we’ve lost is gone.  There is an enduring denial in grief.

But the grief process is confused by the fact that—by the order of life—we must get on without our loved one.  This seems like a betrayal.  It can seem to us that we’re forgetting our loved one.  This is because we’re viewing them through the lens of them still living.  We naturally think that they’re missing out, which is a paradox given that we want them to “rest in peace.”

The enduring denial in grief is one element of the loss process that feels like it’ll never change.  I recall notes and emails from Mum saying how she missed her own mother two decades after she died.  It can seem a long time to live without our loved one.

One way we can live peaceably with this sense of enduring denial is agree that we’re “carrying” the memory of our loved one with us.  That is, we imagine that they’re still somehow present with us.

The fact is with loss and grief that there are many realities that are unchangeable and any method we use that makes our loved one’s loss more palatable, whilst we face the truth that they’re gone, is good.

Personally, whenever I’m aware of my missing Mum, or Nathanael for that matter, I like to think they’re there with me.  It brings me comfort.  I continue to humanise them even though they’re gone.  I’m not denying they’re gone.  I’m acknowledging that they’ll always be part of me, they’ll always be remembered, they’ll always be significant in my life.

Accepting the enduring denial in grief is coming to accept what can never be changed: they’ll always be missed, and appropriately so given love is the supreme cost of loss.

Somehow out of the grief that must come from loss there’s a peace experienced that accepts what can never be changed.  This peace means this precious loss can be faced, it can be talked about, and indeed it must be remembered—THEY must be remembered.

If anything will heal us of the pain of loss in grief, it’s the ability to face the pain.

I think it’s safe to say that we grow around our losses.  It may not feel as if this is the case, but we definitely do grow as a result of being able to face our pain.

This all starts from, and is made possible because, we accept the enduring denial in grief.