The role of responsibility in love relationships

This article has been brewing for a little while.  It is birthed out of an article I wrote last year titled, Unequal Yoking of Love in Relationships.  The essence of what I’m discussing here is marriage relationships only survive, and deliver the happiness they promise, when both partners follow marriage as a lifelong calling to be responsible persons.

Four features of responsible persons in marriage relationships are:

HONESTY – a responsible person takes responsibility for their own emotions and behaviour, for their thoughts and how those thoughts turn into words and deeds.  Acknowledging they are imperfect, the responsible person apologises promptly and sincerely when they get it wrong, and they engage in the work of change when bad patterns arise.  Of all characteristics, honesty is set apart as the superpower of capability in the field of relationships.

Honesty at its source is the one and only capacity needed to maintain a life of integrity, in unity with, and in service to, others.  It is key to good character.

Honesty ought to beget honesty.  If one partner’s honesty doesn’t elicit the other partner’s honesty, the honest partner (the responsible one) misses out, and the marriage is unequally yoked in its capacity for the taking of responsibility.  An honest marriage partner feels alone when coupled with a dishonest partner.

TRUSTWORTHY – there is sufficient integrity in a responsible person that they are capable of being trusted, that they carry out their promises, that there is alignment between what they say and what they do.  A responsible person’s trustworthiness affords their marriage partner a level of confidence that delivers freedom and safety.  There is nothing like feeling you “belong” in marriage with an actual partner—someone who is capable of giving like you give, who desires to be generous as you do.

Trustworthiness ought to beget trustworthiness.  If one partner’s trustworthiness doesn’t elicit the other partner’s trustworthiness, the trustworthy partner (the responsible one) misses out, and the marriage is unequally yoked in its capacity for the taking of responsibility.  A sole trustworthy marriage partner often feels betrayed and cheated in what is supposed to be a partnership.

EMPATHY – a responsible person given to marriage has sufficient mental and emotional space for another person and, indeed, other people (plural).  They are capable of trying on their partner’s shoes, of being “in” their partner so-to-speak that they can feel for and identify with what their partner is dealing with.  Without empathy, a marriage struggles, for partners need to feel like their partner feels what they feel—that they understand.  Empathy is different to compassion (which is also important) in that it compels compassion into some sort of responsible action.  Empathy is compassion made visible.

Empathy ought to beget empathy.  If one partner’s empathy doesn’t elicit the other partner’s empathy, the empathetic partner (the responsible one) misses out, and the marriage is unequally yoked in its capacity for both partners’ taking of responsibility.  A sole empathetic marriage partner feels used and abused in what is supposed to be a partnership.

One sign of an unhealthy relationship that is unequally yoked is one partner is characterised as being more or less empathetic and the other is characterised as being more or less entitled.  At the extremes this is the coupling of empath with narcissist.  The empath enables the narcissistic behaviour, but the narcissistic behaviour would not surface if they were capable of being a responsible human being.  Empaths are exploited by the entitled.

DILIGENT – responsible persons are intrinsically capable of being diligent.  They take care to do what they need to do to ensure their life serves and the lives of those they love are served.  The diligent person is not a workaholic.  They do the RIGHT work, which often means they do the unglamorous things.  Whilst many fathers are like this, it is mainly mothers who are in this set.

Diligence ought to beget diligence.  If one partner’s diligence doesn’t elicit the other partner’s diligence, the diligent partner (the responsible one) misses out, and the marriage is unequally yoked in its capacity for both partners’ taking of responsibility.  A sole diligent marriage partner feels alone in what is supposed to be a partnership.

The irresponsible partner is essentially lax and lazy.  They do not do what they could do to ensure the family is prepared to succeed.  They don’t respond well or quickly enough.  The family does not thrive if there is one partner who is diligent when the other isn’t.  The diligent partner just gets burnt out.

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Good marriages feature two responsible persons in partnership.  Both are of good consistent character.  Both are capable of honesty, trustworthiness, empathy, and both work hard in the marriage for the marriage and family.