That very first AA meeting 20 years ago

24-hours after I first learned my first marriage was possibly ending (a month later it was gone), I was at my first AA meeting.  It was September 23, 2003.  This time 20 years ago as I track back in my diary, I had no idea the twist my life was about to take.

That first AA meeting was at the end of a day of firsts.  Moving out of my family home and into my mother and father’s house, I’ll never forget hooking the trailer up and putting a few little things in it and driving off, a fair bit confused, trying to be stoic, and more than a little overwhelmed by it all. 

I really did not have a clue what the next few days, weeks, and months would require of me—no idea at all.  Definitely a case of ignorance is bliss. 

Parking and walking through the doors of St Teresa’s Hall in Coolbellup was not daunting because my ex-wife had already summonsed my heart to attention—I was ready to quit the drink.  So ready, years ready.

I remember meeting Graham, an older, wiser, sensible gentleman with much rectitude.  He ushered me over to some little books and I bought one on the spot for $5.  I was introduced to the guy who was running the meeting that night, talked for a bit, then sat down with the other 40 or so people there and then the meeting started.

My mind flittered between being focused on what this was all about and wondering what on earth my life had become—in 24-hours.  The previous night, having received the blunt direction that I was required to move out, I drove aimlessly around for nearly three hours blubbering tears of sheer blindsiding shock and numb grief.  

I didn’t sleep much that night and sleep in that season was a premium.  In fact, the lack of sleep meant my mental health spiralled acutely and the thread of deeper grief caused many nights of cataclysmic anguish.

That first night I was asked if I wanted to share.  I’d heard a number of people share before I was asked.  It seemed that you had the floor for 5-10 minutes so I opened up about my past 24-hours.  I talked about how I’d planned to give up drinking for months.  I was going to do it ‘my way’ but when my marriage seemed to be ending, push came to shove.  I was at the meeting because I had no choice.  I had to act now.  Everyone listened intently.  

There’s no judgement at AA meetings, and there’s also little sympathy, the encouragement is to simply be honest.  I was ready to be honest and, in following others’ lead, I took responsibility for what my life had become.  Little did I know it at the time, but my taking responsibility was going to be a pivotal link to the freedom that lay before me over the days, weeks, months, and years to come.

Driving home from that meeting at around 9:15pm that night there was a mix of relief that I’d achieved something with a mix of a dawning reality of what lay before me.

20-years ago now, I reflect on a time that seems a long time ago but that also seems a close memory.  I want to go back to that version of myself and pat my former self on the back for the work I was only just then embarking on.  

I would need to be strong in my weakness, 
and as it happened, I was.

There are perhaps moments like this in all our lives.  It’s good to go back in our minds and reflect on what endured and what has made us who we are today.