If both are right, both are surely wrong

YOU may have heard it said: there are three forms of truth in couple counselling — his truth, her truth, and the truth. And that’s the truth.

Until one is genuinely open to their own fault they’ll never let go of their view of the other’s fault.

The divergence to the polarising formula of his truth, her truth and the truth is when the blame is all one way — which unfortunately happens too much — where one person in the relationship accepts all the responsibility and the other accepts none. There’s a fault when there’s only one person at fault — because, this isn’t the truth! When there’s apparently only one person at fault there’s potentially abuse and co-dependency afoot. It’s like when both parties are saying, ‘I know I’m not perfect, but just look at how much worse they are!’ It is madness. Nothing can be done until that person works solely on the first part of the sentence.

Conflict turns ugly when two warring people or parties become possessed by a spirit that elevates or declines in unison. Mirroring occurs. One is enraged, and the other predictably responds in rage. Yet, one submits to a spirit of peace, and the other responds in the same spirit. Until one of the pair arcs up. Still, conflict takes the predictable contours of aggression and submission, withdrawal and escape.

Couples who are actively at odds in their relationship can sling hooks and arrows at each other as much as they want. It can only be destructive; not simply to the relationship, but to their very persons. Some of the barbs flung are heinous and devastating, not only for their self-perceptions, but also for their reputations.

If both can be right, and both do have a portion of the truth, both can also be wrong, for both also cannot see their own portion of fault.

Blessed is anyone who takes, and continues to take, responsibility for their wrongs. Doubly blessed are two who engage in such wisdom. Their relationship succeeds.