Coming out by going within

“Be who you is, because if you is who you ain’t, you ain’t who you is.” —Larry Hein 

One thing I’ve always appreciated is the courage that’s involved in coming out.  Whether it is about one’s sexuality, or a phobia, or one’s experience of hidden abuse, childhood or otherwise, or whether it’s about some other self-reconciled form of commitment to one’s irrefutable truth, doesn’t matter.  There is something palpable about the freedom we entreat as we ‘come out by going within’.  It’s a truth-telling exercise, and it’s a practice of faithfulness to your being; an activity of worship to the Creator who made you.

There are so many forms of coming out by going within, and it is applicable to every narrative, and because every person has a narrative, it’s applicable to every person.

Ultimately it is the journey inward to God as a means of coming out as you and I.  It’s a journey of becoming, and whilst there is always a sense that we never fully realise the potential of coming out as more fully ourselves, we do experience many little tastes of this reality as God teases us with the promise of completeness from within, even as we so wish to be complete outwardly.  There, in us, is the wish of heaven, but we’re not there yet.

Yes, this is both exciting and frustrating.  Glimpses meld with mirages as we enter into self-honesty, fearing nothing about journeying inward toward the recognition of falsehoods we carry in our persona, even as we carry these non-truths out and upward to the surface, releasing them in the exchange that is the acceptance of our current selves.

We all project something of what we wish we were outward and onto our worlds.  We all deny some essential truth of who we truly are.  There is always some facet of incompatibility between the reality of who we are and who we wish we were instead.  It’s the falsehood that must go.  It is also the dirty stuff that we reject about ourselves — that stuff we just cannot face.  We need to go in, upon the quiet, and meet ourselves in the pain of ‘there’.  Nobody can do that for us.  It is necessarily awkward and uncomfortable.

It’s probably why most of us completely hate the idea of meditation and authentic contemplation.  It sounds ‘cool’, but truly, for so many, it is torture.  To be quiet and still, though it promises the bliss of peace, manoeuvres us into the territory of disappointment.  It’s a place we go that feels as if it should bring much, and initially at least it delivers nothing, and often times worse.  To go down and deep within, to face our demons, to be at one with the boredom, to strive to stay apart from stimulation, to walk away from the drink or the drug or the tasty morsels; all these are examples of ways of conspiring with freedom.  These are the places we meet God — when nothing else apart from God will do.

Coming out by going within is the practice of an authentic spirituality.  And we can know it by the truth that we dredge up and bring as the spoil of authenticity to the surface.  Going deeply within isn’t about the experience of peace down there in the depths.  Peace comes from reflecting later how we had the strength somehow in our weakness to stay there and encounter God in the throes of that darkness.  The more we go there, the more we return with peace, the more we descend again and again, more and more fearlessly it seems, to wrestle with the vestiges of a darkness that cannot truly harm us.

It’s our story that we’re entering into.  It’s the process of spiritual nostalgia.  We must face who we were to become who we will be.  Going into the places adjacent to the discomfort, the places of life and love sandwiched between the panels of pain, we begin finding our way to the surface again.  And if there are few of those in our story, we know that God was there, so we meet God there again at the depth.  Oh there, our Protector, Sentinel God.

If you’re scared, and you’re allowed to be, perhaps you need a companion; someone who, like God, won’t abandon you in the cavernous moment.  Someone who walks with you gently and won’t disrupt the fine china ornaments that reside in the preciousness of your heart.  Someone who knows it’s God’s job to speak, not theirs, even as together you listen for the unknowable touch of the Spirit who will heal.

Photo by Dave Hoefler on Unsplash

Moving from ‘Why doesn’t she leave?’ to ‘Why doesn’t he stop abusing her?’

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TRIGGER WARNING – the title suggests the content could be triggering.

Why is it that our society continues, over and over again, through the media and mainstream thought, to blame survivors of violence, and not zero in on the perpetrators?

Even though the title suggests this is about male perpetrators and female survivors, I hope we all know that there are occasionally male survivors and female perpetrators.  It is devastating for anyone caught in the violent trap of a relationship of dangerously unpredictable proportions.  It’s even worse when the patterns of violence are tragically predictable.

We must change our language, our tone, our support.  It is time we started to change the narrative to make the perpetrators account for their behaviour.  It is no longer good enough, and it never was, to place the onus for change, and worse the blame, onto those who survive the violence.  And isn’t it ironic that we need to use the term ‘survivor’, when far too many people are killed (even a single person is too many!) within their homes; women, children, and some men.

But many survivors do survive.  And what they are looking for are more models of society placing the burden of responsibility on the perpetrators of the violence.  Survivors must be supported, and entire structures of policing need to be deployed in sociological support for the traumatised, as well as have the capacity to come down hard on offenders with consequences that work, the measure of which must be scientifically valid.  Yes, we need far more research in the area of family and domestic violence as well.

We really must flip the script to make sure we don’t blame mothers for cowering in the corner when the last thing they want is for their children to be exposed to a violent partner or family member — for her children to witness such reprehensible and trauma-evoking behaviour that can never again be unwatched.

Some of the things we need to start seeing:

§     less, much less, blaming of women who face the violence and more, much more, onus on the men who propagate the violence – women in many cases are just so frightened for their lives (and for their children’s lives and safety if they have them) that they switch instantaneously into freeze mode and are rendered defenceless and are at the mercy of madmen

§     less shame, much less shame, to be placed on perpetrators who can be found to be genuinely ashamed of their behaviour, who have the capacity to change, who may run further from their problems because of their shame, who know and accept their behaviour is wrong – as a society we must have systems in place to capture these people (small in percentage as they are), because they have the capacity to change, and they may be equipped to deal better with their emotions and change their thinking so they produce no harm

§     the identification of those who are recalcitrant perpetrators, who need to experience legal and financial consequences for their wilful behaviour – for such a lack of contrition they use aggressive influence to blame-shift and scapegoat those they abuse – everyone is intimidated by the raucous offender, because nobody will have their number or measure

§     a guilty until proven innocent method of working with offenders – recovery is a long, long road, and many perpetrators of violence will seek to hoodwink therapists and pastors alike – many tears of ‘regret’ doesn’t equal change; only time and evidence of heart change over time does that

§     much better understanding for men caught in intimate partner violence, either through their women or other male partners or family – there is so much shame for men caught in situations of violence because of the ‘tough male’ stereotype that men feel they need to maintain – the fact is, many males hate violence, and these men, like everyone, deserve to live safe lives

§     predictive systems for children and their trauma – adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are incredibly common and very many of the men with serious anger issues are themselves survivors of violence – but that’s no excuse for them to promulgate their trauma in behaviours of violent anger – they must learn to be disgusted by violence, all violence

§     education and support for children in schooling situations, especially when early warning and assessment may take place in schools across the board – children are never pawns to be used, but very often children will tell other trusted adults of the problems they see – these children must always be protected first and foremost 

§     patterns of assigning contributions of blame must stop – a woman who is violated is zero percent at fault; it’s the same for a man who is violated – nobody asks to be violated – contributions of fault in abuse situations is a fallacy – perpetrators are always fully responsible for their violent attitudes and acts

§     whole societies need to grapple with the fact that some of the worst violence isn’t just of the physical or sexual variety or physical or sexual in nature, but it can be deeply psychological, not to say that physical and sexual violence isn’t psychologically impacting, because they are – all violence has a soul-destroying element to it

§     attitudes to policing need to change, because far too many law enforcement agencies and officers consider domestic and family violence as, “don’t worry, it’s just another domestic; they’ll get over it soon” – it is far too easy to externalise the issue by considering that it is somebody else’s problem – so much of the time a survivor of violence is encouraged a tremendous amount simply by being believed, and indeed, to believe them is about the best thing that another can do for a survivor of abuse

§     in direct contradiction to the above point, there are also law enforcement agencies and officers completely frustrated with their hands tied – I just want to acknowledge that our services are often overstretched and impotent

§     there needs to be spaces created for dialogue for these incredibly shaming situations and events – survivors of violence almost always feel ashamed and paradoxically partly (and much worse, solely) responsible, when being responsible should be the farthest thing from their minds – being there, having been subject to the violence, is enough for them to feel responsible – when they are zero percent responsible

§     for good and final measure, let’s not forget our black brothers and sisters, for whom are often survivors of violence through similar societal elements of prejudice and discrimination – there should never be a problem with saying Black Lives Matter

§     all the above applies equally to elder abuse and any family situation where vulnerable persons are exploited through overt and covert violence

This is just a short list.  There are many more I could have added.  If you think of any salient ones, please add them on social media comments.

As whole societies we need to change our language and put the onus of responsibility back on to the one who is responsible, and take it from the very people who would never have violence done to anyone, and who already bear too much responsibility.

We must all recognise what is going on in our societies.  Women are treated worse than men in general, as are the minorities, and it isn’t fair or right.  If you’re weaker, you get less and you’re treated poorer, whereas people who are strong have privilege.  It’s the way it is and it must change.

Acknowledgement: to my daughter, Zoe Wickham, who is about to graduate (mature age) with a Degree in Social Work, who gave me significant guidance in the writing of this article.

Some Resources on Anger:

Men’s line Australia

UK Mind

Relationships Australia

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Married men, don’t make the same mistake I once made

I’ve heard so many stories from wives who have come to the point of being fed up with their husband, and in desperation they asked him to leave to go and work on himself.  The issues that lead to such an impasse are as many as they are varied, and of course, there are symptoms and there are causes.

Symptoms inevitably relate to issues like mental health problems that produce abuse or addictions or of not contributing or of being the source of endless conflict, and infidelity in many instances, and this isn’t an exhaustive list, and the issues usually manifest in combination.  The causes are a lack of taking responsibility for one’s own life, including not having the capacity to deal with one’s inner pain and failing to recognise the role of privilege.  For the wife, taking the decision to separate is a circuit breaker, and what it really says is, get your life sorted out, and if you can, then we might talk — BUT not beforehand!

I do, of course, know this situation more intimately than I would ever have preferred or expected.  I have lived it.  I have experienced firsthand the implosion that occurs as a husband being asked to leave, to lose one’s home, wife, unlimited access to the children, the house — just about everything of that life.  That happened to me on September 22, 2003.  8pm that evening was dividing line between a life that was and a life that was to come and spliced into it was an in-between time of both pain and growth.  In so many ways, my old life ended at that point, and a new life beckoned, but a process of the most excruciating grief had to take place in the in-between.  But it was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I was given the choice to take responsibility and I took it.

It is difficult to put into words the grief that the wife goes through in making a decision like this.  She’s put up with far too much garbage.  The husband is way behind.  He is only learning now what he should’ve already seen.  It is obvious from hindsight.  If only he can see beyond his felt level of injustice, he might well be able to grapple with taking responsibility — indeed, no matter whose fault it is, taking responsibility for him is the only way forward.  Taking responsibility is his only chance, and I’m not talking reconciliation — for that’s a fanciful presumption when he’s left it too late, but it’s his only chance for life.

What do I mean by life?  I mean hope, peace, joy, the capability to love, and a whole lot more fruit of the Spirit, like the capacity to be patient and kind and gentle and faithful and self-controlled.  By life, I mean both the will and the ability to resist being obstinate, and to genuinely engage with the issues that you as a husband — and as a human being charged with the care of others — are responsible for.  This requires humility and courage, underpinned by honesty.  It’s the acknowledgement that you got it wrong; that you have failed to care according to the covenant nature of your relationship.  There’s no shame in admitting failure.  There’s only shame in not owning up to what’s yours.

Only when we can look our failures in the face can we improve.  Only as you are set on your backside, recognising finally that it has now come to this, are you truly motivated to take the responsibility you should’ve always taken.  Take it now, before it’s too late, is what I’m saying.

For the husband who is reading this, for the one who has perhaps taken their wife and family for granted, who has been sitting on their hands for a while, now is the time to recognise what you’ve got.  It is so regrettable that we don’t know what we’ve got until it’s gone.  Too many husbands I know of, and I include myself in this analysis, have no idea how close their wives may be to saying, “Too late, buddy, I’ve had enough.”  Experience tells me that most wives, though they’ve been immensely dissatisfied for years, don’t know that this moment is arriving until the moment it does.  And when it has, it’s there and it can no longer be denied.  The only defence husbands have is to work on their marriages now, while they have time.

Now is the time to be diligent and thankful, grateful for what you have, willing to go the extra mile, which for you is an extra mile, but for her it’s probably just meeting minimum standard.  Her standards aren’t lofty, though you may think they are.  You only have to look at what she contributes to the household, and it is consistently higher than what you are willing to contribute.

Husbands, don’t leave it too late.  Deal with your addiction.  Admit your narcissism.  See where your contribution has been lacking.  Comprehend the impact of your behaviour on those you love.  Now is the time for life, if you are strong enough to admit the truth.  Draw on your support.  Man up in the only way it applies — be humble enough to apologise.  Only the guy who looks genuinely and humbly has the right then to say, “I’ve got no issues,” if there are no issues.

It’s not just the husbands who have marriage problems that need to read this.   It’s all husbands.  Husbands anywhere who are not only chilling out now, but those who in future times will be tempted to check out.  I implore you, as other men might also; don’t leave it too late.  Only good can come from humble reflection.  The irony is, those who do look deeply within don’t usually have the issues.  Those who refuse to look won’t see what their lives would plainly tell them if only they looked.

As much as it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with your wife and children.  Do them no harm and take responsibility.  Only you can do what they need you to do.

Fortunately, I’ve known many men, including several good friends and some dear family, who heeded the warnings to sharpen their game before time.  Almost without fail these men are incredibly thankful that they saw the warning signs, that they didn’t wait until it was too late.  Don’t follow my example of marital failure.  Be like these men.

Photo by jurien huggins on Unsplash

The 3 hardest things to do in challenging relationships

There are all sorts of things that cause us stress.  Some of these things include situations that are occurring in our world, anything that causes us anxiety, things that are beyond our control, and our challenging relationships.  In naming just four, we might also concede that all four can be combined in one event that can stress us out to the maximum.  The very nature of stress is it’s so often a convoluted, confusing and confounding combination of things.  These situations easily exhaust us and demotivate every sense of our working through them.  Then add the dimension of a challenging dynamic like abuse.

Life is never free of stress, and we need to be very well aware of the impact of stress in causing or creating the following three issues, which are powder kegs in the realm of relationships, and in abusive relationships the explosive nature of stress in these situations cannot be overstated.

1.             The first thing that we struggle with majorly in these relationships is discerning the contribution of fault.  Some situations it is people finding it very hard to see their own contribution, and whilst this is common to many of us, it is the narcissist who can never see their own contribution.  They gaslight the other party into a corner that has them apologising for what isn’t their responsibility.  In the narcissist’s refusal to take responsibility for their part in the wrongdoing, the innocent party is left with no choice if they ardently seek peace.  Peace is in their hands, but it will surely cost.  The narcissist knows very well that this is simply a war of attrition.  In never seeing their fault, they will hold out, knowing that the other party is desperate for peace; desperate enough to wear their responsibility.  Looking at it from the other angle, it is people finding it hard to get over what they did wrong; they take too much (or all the) responsibility.  They are playing the peacekeeper role.  Of course, in narcissistic relationships this works hand-in-hand with the partner who will accept no responsibility.  Most of us also have the pride issue to get over in seeing our own fault, but this is mainly pertinent to relationships where there is give-and-take, and not all-take-and-all-give.  It is a genuine wisdom to discern the actual contribution of fault and to own only what is yours to own.

2.             Going to the other person to talk about the conflict is the second thing we struggle majorly with.  There are at least two issues involved in this.  The first one is, we struggle to have the courage to address the matter with the other person involved, and perhaps we lack faith that we can speak the truth in love.  And it does take a lot of knowledge and skill to hold a crucial conversation successfully.  The second one is, it isn’t safe to go there, because of the person’s reaction.  Perhaps we even know that they will overreact and, maybe it’s violently, or we completely don’t anticipate it, and they do react violently, which in many cases creates trauma.  We know we have to engage with the person who has wronged us, or who we have wronged, but the big unknown is a conversation that goes sideways.  Going to the other person is a very hard thing to do, and we and they are blessed if we can have the conversation.  It is good to discern, however, whether we can or not, and whether we need external assistance or not.  Whenever we go to the narcissist to speak the truth in love, we can always expect it will end up going pear-shaped.  Indeed, this is confirmation that we are dealing with a narcissist; that every challenge is met with unrelenting aggression.

3.             The third and final relationship issue we have the hardest time with is forgiveness.  This is a highly variegated matter.  Particularly pertinent to relationship issues of abuse — when there are clear and enduring inequities in the relationship — we may forgive too easily, especially when the other person hasn’t sought forgiveness, hasn’t repented, when they haven’t learned yet what they need to learn in order to have a viable relationship with us.  Or, perhaps it’s a case that there is no chance of a viable relationship and we must forgive them in a way that transfers their debt they have to us to God; that the good Lord will hold them to account one day.  One of the biggest issues in forgiving and then trusting again too easily is we set ourselves up for more hurt.  Very often in congenial relationships, forgiveness isn’t really an issue, because mercy flows between both parties.  But true reconciling forgiveness is hard, and not truly possible, when there is inherent injustice.

Inspiration for this post is from peacemaking ministry, but I have adjusted the angle of approach and applied it to particularly challenging relationships.

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Have you ever thought, “What’s my counsellor thinking?”

It only occurred to me as I explained my thinking process in a recent counselling session that there are probably plenty of people who wonder what’s going on in their counsellor’s thinking when they are receiving therapy.

I mean, it isn’t much of a stretch, given that we do generally wonder what other people are thinking as we interact with them.  We can only imagine others thinking about what we are thinking.

It should go without saying, but some people need to be reassured: counsellors cannot read minds.  We can’t read your thoughts.  I hope that gives you peace if you’re concerned about it.

This article is a simple attempt to unpack how I think in a typical counselling session.  Obviously other counsellors will think differently, but it might be a guide regarding generic therapeutic thought processes.

Even though I would not consider myself a very effective multi-linear thinker, meaning I appreciate being able to think about one thing at a time, I find it is different in the counselling space.  I find I am thinking along multiple planes, for instance:

§     the dynamic between the client and myself.  This is so important in person-centred counselling (Carl Rogers), which is probably my go-to model of counselling, but with a distinctly Christian deployment.  Person-centred counselling, for me, is about holding and containing the client and having an attitude of unconditional positive regard about them, which is implicit with empathy

§     the interaction within my own consciousness.  Together with the dynamic between the client and myself, there is another dynamic actively occurring within my own consciousness; what I’m thinking and why, how my body is feeling, being attuned to my body language and positioning.  All this is part of my process for assessing the overall session and what I need to do to change or maintain things

§     active engagement in the process of unknowing.  When I’m in pure counselling mode, and not in a more mentoring or discipleship mode, so in the mode of enquiry, my mind is actively curious, and I am intentionally practising the technique of unknowing.  This means I note my assumptions of the client and I chuck them out the window.  When I’m doing this, I’m asking questions to drill down into their story to understand it more fully, because the assumption I’m making is I don’t know

§     the involvement of my short-term memory, particularly as I listen being careful not to interrupt at poignant times.  For years now, I have imagined holding thoughts in my short-term memory as if they are balloons.  I can hold about four balloons at any one time, and this is important to me, because again I don’t want to interrupt the flow of a client sharing with me if I don’t need to, plus, when I do get the chance, I know that I have a direction or four to follow, and usually it’s one direction, but with up to four quick inputs or thoughts to mention

§     being functionally present in the room.  Thinking about what’s happening and being focused one-hundred percent and quickly coming back on line if there are a few seconds of internal distraction, which feeds into...

§     seeking information on questions of future – the immediate future and the more distant future – where is this going?  What’s coming up in the next few seconds/minutes?  Where are we at with time?  What questions need to be asked before we conclude this session?  Are we continuing?  Is there a need to refer the client on to another therapist with different skills?

§     thinking theologically and psychologically through audits and paradigms.  I’m auditing myself to ensure I’m doctrinally correct, and I’m accessing theological and psychological tools and principles to consider bringing into the space

§     discerning truth.  There are definitely times where I’m focusing hard on discerning truth, and this is particularly relevant to couples counselling and the possibilities that we are dealing with abuse.  This is probably the only aspect of my role where a client might feel I’m trying to psych them out – I’m not actually.  If it’s the case that I’m trying to discern whether there is abuse or not, I will ask the question, and the responses will usually lead to more information

§     prayer points.  Here I’m trying to find out what we will need to pray about at the end of the session, so these are points of intercession, and of praise and thanksgiving

So there you have it.  A sample of what a counsellor might think when they’re with you.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The very physical violence in psychological abuse

It’s amazing the physical impact on a person who is shouted at.  There may not be a single bruise on their body, but the spirit is bruised, and there are physical changes within the body, including in the brain, which isn’t just in our head, but it’s in other areas, including the stomach, the heart, and wherever brain and neurological matter exists.  Being verbally abused and intimidated has a very physical impact on our body and on our overall being.

And then there is the confusion that occurs in other psychological abuses, like emotional and spiritual abuse, where the abuser uses either the majesty of trickery to ‘psych’ their prey out or they belittle them, and the worst of this is when they make themselves out to be either completely innocent or exonerated and justified in the toxic act.  There is a high degree of gaslighting done in the kind of abuse that leaves a person traumatised even as they blame themselves in myriad ways.  Such trauma always has a physical effect; yet, not a bruise exists anywhere that can be seen by a layperson.

It’s in the science of MRIs and other expert medical analysis that will reveal the fuller physical magnitude of the bodily damage incurred.  There is nothing surer, however, that psychological abuse has a physical impact, and impact is the perfect word, because we can only imagine what happens to the physical body when there is physical impact.

I hope you can see that you can never underestimate the actual extent of violent damage done by the supposedly intangible abuse that is purely psychological in nature.

Not that you would ever consider yourself fortunate to be physically harmed — because physical abuse that very often leads to marks, maiming and even death is unconscionable — but I know many who have been harmed in non-physical ways who have lamented the fact that there weren’t physical signs of the damage done.  Psychological damage, in and of itself, is a bizarre kind of betrayal, where the victim knows how much damage has been done but is in the unenviable position to need to prove it.  It is always diabolical to experience great harm and not have people believe that it happened.  But then again, there are many who deny the damage done even when it is obvious to see!  No wonder victims of abuse can often feel they’re going mad.  In situations like this, there is never any justice.

Those who are in psychologically abusive relationships need to know that the damage being done to them is not insignificant.  They only need to ask those who love them, who watch on and see the devastation first-hand and second-hand, who have no power to stop what should be stopped.  There is a word for it: anguish.

The greatest tragedy in these situations of domestic abuse is the abuser does not repent.  They not only continue their reprehensible behaviour — (and so what if it’s only every month or so!  Once is too often) — but they never own their behaviour, and they never apologise.  Even if they did apologise, what kind of apology would it be if they just kept on doing what they were supposedly sorry for?  But no, there is no apology, for this seems to be an entitlement to aggression and violence, and this is license for them to violate and injure.

There is only one recourse for the very physical non-physical violence that occurs in relationships where verbal, emotional, or spiritual abuse or neglect takes place.  Include financial abuse in that, because wherever there is psychological control with entitlement, the purse strings are usually part of it.  The one recourse is to force an impasse.  I recognise that not everybody is in the immediate position to do that.  But the situation of abuse must end sooner rather than later, before more very physical non-physical damage is done.

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