Because I Refuse, It Is No Excuse, To Abuse Me

Photo by Nikita Kachanovsky on Unsplash

First, my disclaimer: I do not write this about you or because I have a particular axe to grind. What I write is general advice. This is a general wisdom to help make your life better by making other lives better.

I need to write this in the first person. I want you to read this as if it is between me and you. Then imagine every other person you are in close contact with saying these words, and not just you saying these words to every other person you are in close contact with.

These are clear and simple relationship considerations that apply in all relationships.

Here goes:

My kindness towards you is no excuse to abuse me. I offer my generosity, because I can, because I want to love you, because I would like to offer that to you, not because I respect you more than any other person, but because I wish to respect you like every other person. My offer of generosity is a common love you are worthy of, but your abuse of that love will affect my deployment of love.

If you prove untrustworthy of the love I want to give you — a love every human being is worthy of in the sight of God — it has to affect how we relate with each other. My love is my vulnerability toward you. It is my invitation for you to know me better. It is my invitation for you, but please do not read these words as meaning anything else than an invitation to know me better at a level where you may reciprocate my love and respect toward you.

My vulnerability is no excuse to abuse me.

My invitation is no reason to cross my boundary.

My offer of love toward you is not saying come and do as you please.

Our whole relationship is dependent upon how we receive each other. If you offer to love me and I betray that love by crossing an easily predicted boundary I do not deserve your love and trust. Please give me information regarding how you perceive my behaviour. Help me know if I am trustworthy or not.

My aim, as we get to know each other more, is to give you information regarding how our relationship is going. I will give you this information is gently as I can. If you do not like what you hear, please let me know as gently as you can, but please don’t use my words against me when I wish to communicate an important truth that is intended to build our relationship. When I give you challenging information about us it is not intended to undermine or destroy you. It is an offer from me to you. I understand if you need to take this information away and think about it. Ponder it and reason about it. Pray about it. But please do not react without thought for me or for others close to us.

Ultimately both you and I have responsibilities
to ourselves, to each other, and to others.

What I am saying in all of this, as we relate with each other, having the privilege to know each other, is please take your responsibility as I take mine.

Relationship is an invitation to take responsibility;
you for you, me for me, us for us.
Please take yours as I take mine.

Relationship is an invitation into maturity.

Just because I refuse you something, it is no excuse to abuse me. Just because I, with the power of my choice, choose a particular course of action does not give you rights to respond in any way you wish.

If you do not like my choice, you may discuss it with me, but be respectfully gentle and kind, and please acknowledge my boundary, which gives me the right of my choice.

Our relationships prosper when we respect the rights of the choice the other person makes.

Our relationship with each other is about mutual enjoyment. It is not just about you or me, it is about both of us being safe and content.