Conscionable or not—that one person or persons is so genetically alike we’re basically the same. We call it family. If we can’t love others we have a hard time not loving family. What we can’t see about kin similarities others find stark bleedingly obvious. New Year can be a time for healing old wounds. Indeed, New Year is anytime we do. END.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
Journal entries are entertaining to reflect over. As I strode through a 2006 memoir I came across the subject of a dispute with my then-to-be fiancée, Sarah. As it happened, it was the day before I proposed to her. I think it’s safe to ‘go to print’ now. I wrote:
“It was a source of slight irritation that she wanted to ‘think about it’ and I wonder how some basically unimportant things (in the overall view) will be ‘over-pumped’ and influence our decision-making in the future.”
It is even more interesting that later that day, on the same page, I laughed at myself for taking things too seriously.
One Degree Off
As couples meet and acquaint and the sparks fly, it is easy to get carried away. Romance has a life of six to twelve months, sometimes longer, but rarely much longer. Sooner or later those ‘quirky’ things that one partner laughed about will become a source of derision, frustration and anger.
Suddenly little things become big things and though partners may only be one degree off from perfect parallelism they’re sufficiently opposed to both parties’ frustration. And they say that opposites attract! Even at 89 or 91 degrees the right angle looks wrong!
The funniest thing is these differences were always there. They were just unexposed.
Don’t Forget Humour
As couples stand at a distance from their problems it’s seen that either one or both is taking life—and the specific issues—too seriously. Sure, some issues are significant and many do need working through. But just not like this. There are other ways.
When things get testy perhaps one partner needs to fart. Yes, you read that right. It’s often the most obscure thing that becomes the turning point. Some off-handed (but appropriate) humour bursts the bubble of stress that encapsulates the situation. Breathing space is discovered.
Couples are best finding the irony in polarising little differences.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
One thing young people never count on is one day the whole world will turn and suddenly the shoe is on the wrong foot. Welcome to parenthood.
Not that parents should complain. They’re blessed with aspects of existence issuing its opportunities at acceptance. There’s no purpose to parenthood beyond it (besides the support of procreation!).
Yet, concern is the parental prerogative. So, somewhere between acceptance and concern we find the balance required of the responsible, adequate parent (so far as archetypes are concerned).
Surely trust is a major facet that God’s trying to reach us in. There are crucial times with acceptance and concern where trust is the vehicle for success. There’s a no-brainer of a connection with trust and acceptance. With concern, however, it’s different; the connection’s not so obvious.
The Courage of Concern
The warrant of concern is the preparedness to act, though stealthily; not covert in a mischievous way, but with the concern for holding all parties’ best interests at heart. Indeed, some of the courage of concern is to act and some of it’s not to act—to leave well enough alone.
That’s where prayer separates some parents. Concerns are best weighed; submitted to God. A single concern, with discernment sought, and given a day or three—it’s amazing how often things are eased. It pays to delay some action, but then some actions must be enacted. No matter how prompt this is we tread carefully.
Enters Wisdom...
Concern, then, is now seen classically melded with the acceptance that helps just about everything in life.
Perhaps the two together are, of a sense, wisdom. Certainly fits with the philosophy evident in The Serenity Prayer: accept things that can’t be changed; change the things that can be; have the wisdom to know the difference.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
Household chores all the bores,
Choicest places tickle the spaces,
Still the laws about all those chores,
Appear to sadden faces beyond our graces.
Household tasks – I tell you – the masks,
Couples put on in search of escape,
Evidence of marks compels us to parks,
And sparks become the ruffled nape.
Household jobs – those with knobs,
Carried out with haste and scorn,
Around and round each soul robs,
In friendship’s the chance to fawn.
Household roles all but cajoles,
Each person to present their best,
Instead one strolls over the other souls,
And remains what is considerably less blessed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What couple going around doesn’t occasionally equivocate about household chores? Beyond traditional gender roles and the assignment of responsibilities we have our self-serving biases.
Stereotypes do little for the harmony of either person, or the relationship itself. Yet, the tasks must still be completed—it is hoped, to the satisfaction of both.
What is just so fundamental about the harmony of a household is lost on us as we clamour for the right to ourselves and what we’d prefer to be doing.
We’ve all tried to outdo ourselves, it’s suspected, to satisfy our partners. It’s the flailing consistency that breaks us. Then there are those who remind us of the classic biblical sluggard—that person too lazy to return the dish-loaded hand to the mouth to feed itself.
Unique spouses are a promise; no two people are that alike. Each partner who’s party to the relationship in question has their strengths and weaknesses. Part of the answer is in acceptance of the other, and the other part is in giving despite what’s not being returned.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
It is not surprising that both women and men get the ‘dog house’ concept. For all the serious consequences that faux pas’ bring men as they reveal their intent through poorly thought-out gifts and words of love there are very many laughs to be had as we enjoy the humanity and gender differences extant in couple relationships (perhaps from the safe distance of retrospect).
This video is hilarious.
It is clear men do not always ‘get’ their women. It’s the fatal flaw we men are bound to exemplify from time to time.
Enjoy the video.
Family times which are long thought-of and planned-for, much-vaunted and highly anticipated times, pass as quickly as they approached. It’s understandable that afterward we’re left empty and reflective. What was surreal at the time is now gone, but for the memory.
Perhaps we hadn’t expected such a low cloud to form over our hearts.
Never mind, we’ve had our time and now life’s to return to ‘normal’. It pays to remember that normal life is (and was) an acceptable reality and those feelings remind us how important good family times are.
Processes of Re-Adjusting
Wanting to rewind the clock and relive those moments is normal. What we face now is the grieving process in typical swing; just on a micro scale compared with the death of a loved one or divorce etc.
Adjusting to life as it was—an oft-resented reality in reflective mode—just takes time. A day or a week and all will be as it was. Perhaps we wanted to be ‘more’ for people we care for than we were. This too is normal. (Isn’t it peculiar that we don’t think of these sorts of things at the time?)
Re-adjusting can be a sorrowful process that highlights—in undesirable ways—how things might have been if the high time had never occurred in the first place. We seek to protect ourselves. Hopefully this temptation is resisted, for in life where there’s no risk there’s no return. What we hope to gain we stand to lose. It’s inevitable.
Hope – The Portent to Be Re-Built
There’s always an answer in hope. This one thing gets us beyond the pain of emptiness and looking to heaven for more; the future begins to command a hearing, not just the past.
Hope allows enjoyment of thought regarding the good times had—in the relative safety of conscience. With hope, we wade through recent memory and just appreciate.
Abiding truths persist through life. One of them is low times follow high times. It’s better to weigh consideration of this before and during the high time rather than simply let it blindside us afterwards.
Expectations meet hope in rationality. It’s only when expectations have reached inflation point that the truth bursts our bubble of hope. Balances must be restored.
Keeping expectations in check, and enjoying what simply ‘is,’ is the key.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
Hard as it might seem there are at times good reasons that we’re not privy to developments that concern us. Apart from ‘news’ being premature for broadcast, there are others being duly protected, not to mention the precious future when, like the uncorked champagne, it’s kept on ice.
Notwithstanding the true intent of those withholding news, it pays to have a broadminded view. We take due care to not surrender vulnerabilities this way.
Besides, negative attributions have their silly way of contorting the rapport we have with people, often damaging further relations. And, anyway, sometimes people do act so responsibly they keep confidences strictly so no one can be hurt and ventures themselves are not jeopardised. Why punish people for acting faithfully?
Let’s reserve judgment until all the facts are known. Better it is to keep faith with decision makers, appreciating the hard job they have.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
Everyone’s experienced times when thankfulness runs awry. It’s one thing to know gratitude is an ‘ought to,’ it’s another entirely to feel that way.
Jobs can be like this. There is good pay, excellent conditions; overall a great place to work. The people are even nice. Still, there’s no enjoyment. We rack our brains for why.
Is this a seasonal thing? Perhaps we’re more prone toward the end of a long year. Fatigue explains the inexplicable, purely by virtue of the rest we take that ‘fixes’ everything.
Then some problems are potentially deeper. No amount of break fixes it.
Deeper needs are going unmet. Whether these are social, technical, opportunity-dependent, or otherwise, matters little. There is a gulf that remains; something needs addressing.
The Horizon of Hope
Ever noticed how thankfulness is achieved in a blink when hope’s manifest?
Hope is a horizon. It breaks clear for sight, and whilst it’s some way off it’s definitely visible.
One way to enjoy this horizon is to problem solve as to why gratitude is not the instinctive reaction. This is, of course, dependent on a desire to reach for this halcyon of joy. Why anyone would not want to be grateful in any area of life is bizarre.
Knowledge of what we need is the key. Additionally, addressing shortfalls in expectations is a sure-fire way in bridging gaps. Expectations need to be adjusted or met in other ways.
Appropriate self-knowledge and aligned expectations, together with the courage to move or change as necessary, are all keys to creating the hope that’s extant on the horizon; a hope that can be believed in.
Hope and Thankfulness in Relationship
It should be easy to see these two in direct relationship. Where hope exists, thankfulness is a salient by-product. We don’t manufacture a thing.
It’s ludicrous to try and be thankful when there’s no hope in sight. That’s self-condemnation or a better part to it—this is never good.
The more a person is confounded by this dichotomy—feeling they should be thankful, yet they struggle to be—the more difficult it is to achieve it. Any semblance of hope is hence strangled. These sorts of dilemmas can lead to depression. This is because a resolution cannot be found between what’s felt and what should be felt; at least, not that way.
The secret is hope. Always has been, always will be. Hope steadies the ship and gives due cause for gratitude. Hope buoys the spirit.
Work on and pray for hope.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
Jesus’ the reason for the season,
However clichéd it seems,
Then to one is caused the reason,
Into whose life Love beams.
Year-round we pontificate,
Better perhaps to see,
Noticing needs – let them placate,
Our very souls to agree.
For trying to fix world’s affairs,
Seems important for sure,
But meaning’s in being awares,
Of treasures within our door.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Christmas is a family time. Beyond kin we belong to the family of humankind. ‘Good cheer’ at Christmas, then, is not propagating the false thing at all, as humans are inclined to do in family and beyond. It’s every bit of authenticity for those within the fold, and them without.
But then there are those who remain hurt—clinging to it like a hard-fought prize—them who can’t be reconciled. Still Jesus is able to be known in and through us. Understanding beyond understanding, patience is the key. We absorb the hurt and anguish the best we can; with God’s power. We forgive because we can, even if that may be a fabricated forgiveness for now. Success is known at the core of this venture by the peace enjoyed by all; yet only as a reflection after the event. And for the heat of transgression, when it occurs, we too must forgive ourselves.
Jesus is the reason for the season. That season is year-round.
Faith is more basic than we think.
It implores us to think basically, kindly, generously, sacrificially. That’s the real spirit of Christ-mass. It starts from us; without thought of return.
Jesus in and through us—this spirit of peace and goodwill—is that which is possible, despite how impossible that might seem.
With God all things are possible, especially kindness, forgiveness, the grace that stops the world for marvelling!
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
Often our biggest problem at work is we care too much or, more accurately, we care about the wrong things.
Caring too much about the work and the organisation is fraught with danger. Caring for the people we work with and caring enough to do a good job—that’s a better estimation of care and a healthier scope.
But, it’s hard when our expectations aren’t met. We do our best only to find that ‘that best’ is not good enough; we’ve no idea why, but the evidence is before us; that person or group, or “management,” just flatly rejected what we worked hard to achieve. Never mind that it wasn’t intended personally—it gets taken personally if the feedback is meted out irresponsibly.
The Values Conundrum
An organisation can live by morally viable values, but it needs much focused leadership to achieve it. Few organisations can sustain this. Individuals on the other hand have their values—these don’t change so readily.
We can trust certain individuals, but ‘trusting an organisation’ is again fraught with danger. Our expectations are too high. Who is the organisation but a large bunch of people? Would we trust each one?
Most people would take a slight pay cut to work in a positive workplace with easy-to-get-along-with people. That is, they’d sacrifice a bit of themselves to work with people who have good values. Cohesion is more important than money.
The Caring Conundrum
As mentioned higher up, if we have problems at work it’s because there’s a misappropriation of our care. This is met with ill-considered expectations and the surprises we’re flummoxed by when our expectations aren’t met.
It’s better to train or discipline ourselves to care only for tangible things.
If we place our care in the persons we work with, and not because of the role they play, we’ll be helpful but without anything of the workplace environment swaying our thoughts and feelings, and therefore our words and actions.
Caring to do a good job goes without saying. That’s what we’re there for after all. This can be an insular activity for some, but for others doing their jobs well means lots of positive interaction and influence. This is where we again need to focus on the person and not on the role. When we consider that living, breathing, functioning people with lives, families and emotions make up the workplace we see what’s achieved by advocating a simple care that gets deeper than a normal workplace concern. Everyone has bunches of their own concerns.
Workplace politics: don’t let them get you down.
Organisation change: don’t let the change bother you too much—though it’s bound to trouble you more than you’d like it to.
Accept that in the workplace there are many things out of our control.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
“Without having an outlet for your fantasy it’s hard to grow up and be mature... there’s no reason at all why people can’t remain young at least in their minds all their lives—there’s just no reason.”
~Gene Simmons of Kiss.
We can suppose this quote is about the freedom for development that wasn’t afforded people like Michael Jackson. Some kids were never allowed to be kids. Some never learned to embrace the fanciful side of life. (Equally, some stay there and never grow up!)
Our societies are none too welcoming of childish behaviour and at more serious times in history it’s actually been shunned. But this is the very necessary seedbed of childhood. It’s still important through the remainder of the lifespan.
Fantasy’s Paradox
There is an irony at play: the more room for fun and fantasy, the more maturity is found free for expression. It’s when we constrain fun, limiting freedom, that the maturation process is stunted.
No risk, no return. It’s a classic truth.
The same is said about love. Limit love in legalism (rules) and the freedom with which love normally thrives is strangled, and as it gasps for air it contorts into a different thing entirely. It returns not having fulfilled its potential. It proves disappointing. Love, this way, became too self-conscious.
Something Everyone Can Relate With
There are interactions where we just don’t ‘click’ with certain people. There’s some barrier and it’s irritating that we don’t know what it is or how to address it in the moment.
We’re found in a halfway land and we can’t improve the situation for the life of us. Then we go off feeling rather foolish or sheepish for not having tried harder.
Not giving way to some sensible fantasies is like the same thing. We feel awkward about them without entering into them. Then we go away regretting not taking those opportunities. We all need to play. But unlike our interaction that didn’t go right, not exploring the fantasy paved more personal regret, for we failed to listen to God’s whispering in our spirit. We forgot to listen to our needs, taking seriously the identity challenge at stake.
There are godly fantasies waiting within all of us, and our children, just waiting upon opportunity to break free to become expressed.
Fantasies are about who we are to become.
Let’s learn again the value of exploration; that mind-opening task that expands our thinking to the entire world.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
It is a great blessing to have had one lonely Christmas, but only one, for it offers us a taste, just a taste, of what it might be like when it’s imagined the whole world is rejoicing, families unified and together in the spirit of Christmas, but without us.
Jesus is the reason for the season, yet we’ll forget that in the mix of loneliness, from myriad angles of that painful concept. We’ll forget how lonely a life Jesus led.
I’ve had the one lonely Christmas thus far. It was the Australian summer of 2004 and the devil had isolated me from all kin and any fellow. I was desperate and alone which was strange, having had the previous Christmas, the first one as a single man after a marriage failure just months earlier. But this following year was far, far worse. I languished alone for most of it. I was no good company for anyone.
Desolating Shapes of Pain
Loneliness takes millions of shapes. It’s an inner reality that may not be shared or halved, unless it’s smothered in the love of the jigsaw fit. But loneliness is not kempt such like; if it was it could be resolved with a semblance of certainty. Instead it sticks like a dead rodent stench and the depressed languor paralyses.
How could it be that life seeks to accentuate and not attenuate this horrible experience at times of societal togetherness? It plays out as a sick joke.
Times when people are merrily enjoining their hearts are a putrid reminder to the lonely at Christmas time.
What Can Be Done?
Fast-forwarding memory of our days is not the answer; certain minutes ‘hurry’ like the laidback hour. Neither is the preponderance of polarising into a pitiful despair. Against the flow a purpose must be found—the reason to exist.
Is there another lonely person—even a stranger—who might be comforted by someone (you) who needs comfort themselves? Is there another one suffering a similar ignominy? Could they be responsible for lightening your spirit as you are for theirs?
There is so much suffering, rejection and loneliness in the world. To be one of them is a blessing, for it is empathy. But empathy in the alone state is useless. We must be with people if we can be; if that’s possible.
Above all, God hears the cries of our emptiness, and God wants us to know that we are his and that he is there (!) in the lowliness of our lows. What a friend we have in Jesus—the Son of God who listens to our mumbled and tear-driven laments.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
“What I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake in the presence of Christ. And we do this so that we may not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs.”
~2 Corinthians 2:10b-11 (NRSV).
Tough love is apt for a lot of situations, but we sometimes take it too far. When people are left out in the cold long enough they’re easily “overwhelmed by excessive sorrow,” (verse 7) and this generally leads them to a bad place; a place where Satan welcomes them due to their self-condemnation, fretful anxiety, depression etc.
We’ve all had these situations where someone withheld their forgiveness over a wrong we caused. Even though we knew deep within that we’d done the right thing by repenting of it with immediacy, we still somehow drove those nails of condemnation into our flesh. We needed reconciliation.
The Anatomy of Anguish
This is possibly the rock bottom for any relationship. Where someone comes back in genuine repentance for a wrong and they’re not forgiven, indescribable spiritual anguish is experienced.
Taken deeper into the world of the unforgiven one, there can be all manner of self-harming self-talk. Someone with a strong mental and emotional constitution may not be perturbed, but most are, especially if the relationship is one that we care about.
The anguish that is felt is driven deeply into the psyche and very being of the person in question. They fixate on the matter and on how impossible it is to be relieved of this burden. As the situation contends, helplessness and hopelessness are experienced. And all this is one thing; enter the remotest interaction with the aggrieved person and shame—the worst human emotion—is the reflex response.
It isn’t long before this issue turns the very identity of the person in a negative direction; one for them not easily resolved. Anguish, as a response, has become habit, and neural pathways have been firmly established to reinforce the now default thought patterns.
Satan has welcomed this person into his fold. The father of lies is quick to point out every condemning thing. He’ll erode the confidence and self-belief of a person in record time.
All this for withholding forgiveness over an extended time.
Prompt Reconciliation
But, perhaps we’ve missed Paul’s point. Expelling someone to cause them to repent is one thing, but leaving them out for exposure to the spiritual elements is another thing entirely.
Whenever God forgives for a repented-of transgression—and sin is most fundamental against God—there is instant forgiveness. God doesn’t tarry. There is no delay. Grace is known that instant for the very reason we discuss.
But there’s a fine line between being forgiven—and knowing forgiveness—and not accepting we are forgiven. Time and the forgiver’s true intent are two key watch points for the person being forgiven.
People are to mirror this instant grace of God’s, always prepared to issue the benefit of any doubt. Besides this is how we learn in love; discipline is a great motivator, but only when it’s underpinned by genuine love.
Love forgives quickly where remorse is evident.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
There is a reason why forgiveness is so often hard. This is because it’s incomplete. Forgiveness is a relational concept, meaning that it’s bilateral at least. Two or more parties must be in agreement for it to occur. Otherwise, the best we can hope for is acceptance—which is very necessary.
So, the reason why a Christian person—one who’s commanded to forgive—will struggle often to forgive is the other offending person does not accept their side of the wrong. When there is a lack of penitence on the other person’s side—something with which we cannot control—there is little that can be done regarding forgiveness except to simply reach acceptance.
We’ve done all we could. It’s all God expects of us.
The Impossibility of Grasping Oil
There is a principle in Proverbs 27:15-16 about a ‘quarrelsome wife’ that is equally applied here. (I don’t subscribe to unfair gender biases, by the way—it is likely there are just as many ‘quarrelsome’ husbands.)
With the quarrelsome one there is no peace—it’s like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. One is impossible; the other—equally—is impossible to contain.
“Forgiving” those who will almost certainly hurt us again is probably not possible in an entire sense. What we must strive for is an acceptance of the situation, and of the hurts caused. It is only when we reach this place of acceptance that we can truly achieve our side of offering true forgiveness. (Another article I wrote, Confusing Love for Trust, also might help when it comes to ‘who to trust’.)
Achieving a Vital Compromise
This is a most important thing to note: our part of the process for relational forgiveness is to adhere to the Kübler-Ross grieving process (which has five stages: denial >> anger >> bargaining >> depression >> [finally] acceptance) to achieve personal healing.
We allow ourselves these stages. It is important that we feel, at truth, the anger and depression if they’re there. The very best is to just simply allow the lament to occur; it’s normal and it’s necessary. It’s only when we’re still stuck at denial that we achieve trouble for ourselves.
From this space we can do our side of the forgiving. Without it we’ll forever struggle. It’s important to understand that true forgiveness (which from one side only is acceptance) can only occur when we’ve allowed God to heal us through courageously entering and following-through-with the grieving process. This can actually be done speedily and skilfully with practice.
This is a vital compromise. It’s not an insufficient or ill-preferred compromise, which many are. This compromise, where relational forgiveness is found impossible (because the offender refuses to be forgiven), is critical to the peace of the offended.
No longer will they feel they can be tormented by someone who chooses the ‘upper hand’. Indeed, reaching acceptance is the upper hand.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
Let us resolve to formularise life. If there is a secret to the mastery of this existence, it could come down to three things: effective relationships with others, ourselves, and of course, God—the Spirit for life. There is one thing for each of these relationships that will help more than anything else.
1. Resolve to Give
Nothing assists our relationships more than when we resolve to give; be it our time, our resources, or anything else we have to give.
This is a most difficult thing to achieve with lasting effect. The world has its way of creating within us the ‘need’ to cling to things; want of these for ourselves.
God gives us the construct for giving through the commands to love; to treat others as we’d like to be treated. The desire to give is matched with the experience of God’s blessing, personally.
2. Exercise Self-Control
Life is a long journey. It is a war of attrition. The fact is nothing can give an individual more self-satisfaction than achieving mastery over their self through discipline. Conversely, if a trip to hell is on the cards it’s through a dire lack of disciplined constitution; a direct route is poor self-control.
The premise with self-control is sacrifice; resisting the desirous urges of the weakish soul as it interacts with a divisive world. The desires of the flesh manifest themselves over the bases of self-control and bad habits indwelt in weakness are evident in a flash. These can be incredibly difficult to shake once they’ve taken hold.
Against these bad habits of weakness is the power of the Holy Spirit to redress situations, enjoyed one day at a time.
3. Achieving Situational / Spiritual Resilience
As we’ve noted above, life is a war of attrition. Those who are able to respond to the spurs of life—the impostors: triumph and disaster—in the most consistent of fashions will be richly rewarded for their consistency.
The devil loves to get into our heads and hearts to wreak havoc. The truth is we let it occur all too easily and regularly without a fight because of a lack of awareness or a lack of courage to deal with it, or both.
God’s Presence is there, however, to give us the power to overcome; to maintain composure, even when under fire.
The Common Denominator
Consistency is the word; always has been, always will be. It links the above three ideas—the enhancement of our relationships with others, self and God—in a harmony that is to be admired. It battles the triple-nemesis: the world—the flesh—the Satanic.
Life wears down our resilience, generally. Our mission is to continue to come back to the truth that God is for us, never against us. This Divine power that resides within is helping supernaturally in each of the abovementioned areas.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
