My dear offender:
I’m told by several people, some of whom are beloved and trusted mentors, that I’m not to be offended about what you did, how it made me feel, and how I felt it caused me to react. That has caused me no end of pain! And the worst thing; I don’t know why. I am confused as to why I feel guilty for feeling so angry toward you. It has left me feeling like I’m the only one who did wrong. And I know that that’s just untrue! What I cannot understand is what I did to cause you to do what you did.
So, what am I to do? I hardly know why I’m pouring my heart out to you. My heart says stop, but I just cannot. Again, I’m forced into a tyranny of guilt for lacking some sort of obedience; that in feeling backed into a corner I’m the one who offends God. I mean, how can that be?
I know you cannot care. Look at the fruit of your ongoing treatment of me; all is well according to you. “Let’s just move one!” But I wonder if you secretly harbour a view that poisons me and my character. You probably say nothing about me to others, but part of me doesn’t believe that. I live in this in-between land, because you’ve shown no interest in reconciling, in telling the truth, for the good of both our futures. You know I’m the only one marooned, and you cite that as my ‘immaturity’. Secretly you’re not over it either; you deny it happened, you deny your own healing, because you’re the one in control. You’ve lost nothing and you’re no minister of reconciliation—when that’s the role you committed your life to.
So, we’re both a laughing stock to the enemy of souls; a church divided is Satan’s delight. But you go on as if nothing’s happened, disregarding the quenching of God’s Spirit because of what happened. You’ve heaped a ton of salt on a gaping wound, and go on as if, “There’s nothing to see here.”
Yet, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, this is where it ends. I’m tying this off. I’m letting you go. I’m casting you free. I recognise I must love you, in spite of what you did, and I know that God knows that this repulses me. I see how Jesus is using what you did, and how you did it, and how deeply I was hurt, to come closer to me, knowing his pain makes him more kin than ever. If you feel any pain, and somehow I do wish you do, not only do I wish that would compel you to respond to my wishes to reconcile so mutual understanding might be attained, but I do now wish that any pain you do bear would vanish according to your being forgiven. I wish that that feeling of forgiveness would also convict you to repent and tell the truth knowing you’ve been mercifully pardoned. Incredibly, we all have! Just please, for this moment, bear my truth, as you trust me with yours. But please make no excuses for the abuse.
I want to experience God’s riches again myself. I know I’m forgiven, but what happened between us has left me feeling incapable of giving what I’ve received. I feel estranged from God’s justice, because others who claim to be godly seemed to care nothing for it. Or, it was their justice, and theirs alone, that they fought for. God’s justice could wait. That’s hopelessly inadequate and hinders the Kingdom of God, all so your power and purposes might thrive. But all the while the Kingdom purpose and prerogative suffers.
What I’m doing is this: I’m pleading for God to give me a second chance, for the seventh time, for the twenty-eighth opportunity, to get this right. I will not give up. You meant if for my harm, but God meant this for a purpose that only now am I beginning to see: I take this moment, I recognise the power in it, I let you go (again), I do it with a free heart, and I entrust your debt to God, for the Lord to do with it what Divinity knows best.
I cannot tell the future, and I do not know what will come of this, and I do fear my affection may again run awry, and I do pray for God’s mercy if that event should take place.
Lord of my being,
Watcher over my life, Bearer of my burdens, the One who is the Glory set before all humankind; take mercy on me, a sinner, who desires to do good, who desires to once more experience Your glorious freedom. Give me that taste of Your divine majesty, that these slurs would live to die today. Grant me your peace. Grant the other person and this situation some sense of Your countenance, that at some point a meeting of minds might occur for the purposes of truth and reconciliation for Your glory. As I’m humbled, keep me humble, and make and keep my heart to be true. All I want is You.
Meditation from God’s heart:
Thank you for pouring your heart out in honesty. I know your pain and I feel for your confusion. I also know their heart. I long for you both. Know that you’re loved, both of you, and know that I see; you know I see all things. Feel justified in that, but please do go on in your letting go the best you can. Know that I know how hard this is for you. Don’t lose sleep over anxiety of judgement; that, I nailed firm to the cross. Yet, there will be justice. You will have it. Do what is true. And, know the stillness that comes from my heart for you, for them, for all humankind. Be transformed continually by the renewing of your mind. Take each thought captive and bring it before Christ.
I love you,