The Empath, the Narcissist, Their Relationship

When Harry met Sally (not the movie!) fireworks occurred and it was great. But before long, a different kind of fireworks began to take place. His charismatic charm turned into control, and the relationship didn’t seem fun anymore. Sally constantly felt in the wrong. She felt responsible for everything that the relationship had become. Harry, on the other hand, just felt miffed, cheated, and driven to improve things. Things came to a head several times. Finally, they broke up because she couldn’t take it anymore.

The dynamic that occurred between Harry and Sally is unfortunately and ironically all too common. It happens in possibly as high as one-quarter to one-half of romantic relationships. And the underlying, underpinning dynamic—the power force the symbolises the relationship—is that Sally, the empath, took too much responsibility for the relationship, and Harry, the narcissist, took too little responsibility. Truth be known, and this can vary, he took nil responsibility. It was, in the final analysis of things, always ALL her fault.

Now, some narcissists can appear to take responsibility… with their words. This is where actions have currency. Words are a cheque that too often bounces—often not worth the paper it’s written on. Actions are hard cash, compelling for payment in anyone’s hands.

Actions matter when it comes to taking responsibility. If our demeanour of taking responsibility doesn’t translate in action, then it’s a failure to take responsibility. It’s like the vocal apology that sounds sincere but quickly becomes unapologetic, because it’s highly conditional. No, a true apology is unconditional.

Subtleties are the key in the realm of narcissism in relationships. Narcissists are seemingly impossible to pin down. Only having been taken for a seemingly sincere walk around the block do we realise afterward that we’ve been taken on a wild emotional goose chase. They know how to feign a beautiful softness, and a quivering chin and tears that can roll innocently down a cheek; these can be commanded at their will. You can know this by how well and how easily they transition into a sustained sadness that melts the empath, or anger that rages when it doesn’t get what it wants, and bargaining that sets forth a compelling case. It’s a deception.

One thing we can know with utter certainty
is that the empath takes too much responsibility,
and the narcissist takes too little, if any at all.

This leaves the relationship in an untenable position. It cannot work as a cohesive partnership, because, quite frankly, there is an unequal yoking between the two. One will always be the adult and the other will always be the child, because the difference between an adult and child is the adult is able to accept responsibility, whereas the child cannot. One can do the hard work of sacrifice, the other simply cannot; or better put, they just won’t. The narcissist’s will is rigid and right to their eye.

This is nothing against children, per se. It’s just that adult behaviour is reasonable, rational, realistic, reliable, and logical. As adults, we never stick to this 100% perfectly, but we can be characterised as operating this way most of the time. Importantly, when an adult does slip into their child state, they can see it and they take responsibility for it. There is no enduring embarrassment and resentment that they have been wrong. The adult can be reasoned with.

But as we remain in our child states we cannot. And the narcissist is camped in their child state seemingly as a prison of self, and those close to them seem always on prison visitation.

If you’re in a relationship and you feel you’re constantly taking responsibility and your partner isn’t or doesn’t, there’s a problem. Call it out. Seek support for boundaries.

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash