3 simple counselling techniques that will enhance your daily communication

We live in a pretty self-absorbed world, and perhaps we always have.  It’s just that the problems of life seem louder than ever.  Another thing that’s never changed is the challenge humanity has always had in communication; how we establish and share understanding and the feelings of acceptance.

Communication is crucial in the human way of doing things, for it is emblematic of how human we feel.  If the communication is good, we feel alive in our humanity.  If it’s not so good, we can feel like we’re dying.

Here are 3 simple techniques I use when I’m counselling that can be used as a prompt or even a reset. These techniques help us lead by example in our communication.

They help us seek first to understand, before we demand to be understood.  They impute acceptance of the other, before we require the other person’s acceptance of us.

1.     Listen attentively for the details

“Okay, yes, that’s simple: listening.  Heard it all before.”  Perhaps not the way I’m saying it.  For me, listening in a counselling space is screening out all other distraction and noise.  The only way to do that with any effectiveness is to be attentive to the details; to hang on their every word.  How I do it is I arrange details I’m curious about in speech bubbles in my mind.  When I have three or four arranged in my mind and I feel I can’t take in any more information, then I’ll interject and seek more information on one or more of those thoughts.

You may not be interested in using counselling techniques with your family and friends, but I can guarantee you, that if you set out in your listening to collect specific thoughts that your curious about, the other person will feel heard.  Focus on the details and we hear not only what’s being said but how it’s being said; the message behind the words.

2.    Wait

This requires serious practice.  Allow the pause.  Develop patience enough to allow the other person to pause as they need to in order to complete their thought.  How many of us desperately need time to find the right words to say in the right way?  I know all too well personally how even a little pressure skews my communication.  Give silence permission to bless your communications.

This also takes a great deal of self-control, for we all want our chance to say what we want to say, also, right?  If we can only have some communications where the OTHER person is the focus, we will develop humility, and when the other person feels “met” we have enhanced intimacy between the two of us.

Waiting is such an underrated skill in communication.  Revive its art and people will notice.

3.    Speak fewer words, slower

This is not only a counselling technique, but it’s also a technique supervisors of counsellors use when they work to support counsellors.  All communication could be enhanced if we just slowed down.

The fewer the words we use, the more succinct we are, the more clarity in our communication, the more meaning, and the less confusion.  It’s amazing what can be said in five well-chosen words.  “You sound hurt.”  “That makes you happy.”  “What was that like?”  “How is life for you?”  “What can you do about that?”

Practise saying fewer words.  Of course, if it’s us who another person is seeking to understand, we have the freedom to use more words.  But the simple practice of saying less helps us communicate with powerful simplicity.

~

If we want to be powerful communicators, we need to recognise that less is more.  The less we say, the more we hear, the more silence we allow, the deeper the impact.

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Need permission to feel safe in your relationship?

Safety in many kinds of relationships is nothing to take for granted.  But what does relational safety entail?

It means you can say “no” and that your “no” will be respected, as they say, for the full sentence it is. No means no.  No is a full sentence.

It means feeling like you can disagree, and likewise that your right to view things differently will be respected.  Imagine someone saying, “It’s okay that you disagree.  I appreciate your honesty.  And you have every right to hold your view, and actually it brings value to our dialogue.”

It means not feeling pressured into doing what doesn’t seem right to you.  Sometimes we know that what we’ve being requested (or told) to do isn’t right, and at the very least we would like to be able to discuss it.  If we can’t discuss these issues and feel forced to proceed, that’s a red flag.  Anyone who forces action is being anti-relational at best, abusive at worst.

It means having the space anyone deserves and needs, in order to be one’s own person—the best of relationships are shared when two are their own persons.  Yes, two autonomous beings make functional relationships happen, because they hold their own and allow the other person their right to be them.

Now, if we need to ask permission to feel safe in our (or a) relationship, we might ask why.

Actually, it’s common in my experience of counselling that even in otherwise healthy relationships, partners don’t always feel unequivocally safe, but they can at least tell their partner what they’re feeling, and their partner will usually respond in loving ways—despite perhaps being emotionally unhinged—that re-create the safety desired.

Perhaps we can flip this on its end and discuss the offer a partner can make: “I give you permission to tell me whenever you’re feeling unsafe, and I promise to you that I will give you space while I sort myself out.  But I also won’t use that as excuse to withdraw indefinitely or to be withdrawn when I return.”

This merely puts to words what many partners feel from time to time, and it’s not always women who feel this way.  But a majority of the time it is, and it would be fair to say from my experience that women partners feel a more primal sense of fear when their safety and security needs are unacknowledged and go unmet.

How many relationships could be utterly transformed if a partner had permission to say, “What you’re doing right now is making me feel scared/uncomfortable, and I don’t like it, please give me some space,” and for that request to be honoured?

I guess till now in this article there’s been a distinct slant on family or marriage relationships.  But these nuances of safety go to every relationship, and particularly workplace relationships between bosses and workers, co-workers, etc.  They extend to every rapport we might have.

We may even feel unsafe in a relationship where there is a continual goading or ridiculing.  I’ve seen this a lot: “Hey, don’t take offence, I was only joking [unsaid: you baby!]”  Or, it’s, “Have you done what I told you to do yet?  What’s taking you so long?”

There are myriad relationships that falls short of giving us freedom to be as we are.

We all have the right to feel safe in our relationships, where we can truly be ourselves, and we don’t have to constantly feel we need to be on our guard.

Isn’t it beautiful when we can be in a community of these kinds of relationships?

Think of all your current heroes and imagine them as villains

We live in an unstable world.  Well, truth be told, it’s always been unstable, but our world has changed irrevocably now, where truths that were once “safely” hidden (i.e. suppressed in silence) spread now like wildfire in a post #MeToo age.

Just in the past 24-hours, I’ve seen three “heroes” exposed, and their reputations are crashing down around them.  What made them famous now stands for nought.

Now think of all our heroes—all those men and women who have won acclaim in many fields that came with it the expectation to be a role model.  Oh, of course, it never used to be, but praise God, we now live in an age where truth can be revealed in lightspeed ways.

Fame is wonderful, but it comes with the same strings as every life is connected with.  It is no protection to break laws or cavort with abuse.  And horror the thought that people would protect a “hero” just because they’re protecting themselves from having to undo a false image they have of that hero!

Not many famous people I’m sure actually foresee the unwritten and yet now exposed weight of moral expectation.  They may have been able to get away with it in bygone eras.  Not anymore.

If you’re going to be lauded, even worshipped because you do what you do in world-class ways, you not only need to be great at what you’re famous for, but you also need to be impeccably beyond reproach, well at least not an abuser.

Here is the question that should be on each of our lips.  Which of our heroes is next to be exposed?

Is he (or she) the next Christian leader—that charismatic preacher who mentored you—who used their dark side for evil?  What will we do with the books they wrote that we purchased, read and loaned to others?

Will it be a sports star that dazzled us on the court, field or track?  What happens with all those terrific tapes of their best-of’s and MVP performances?  

Will it be one of our movie stars?  What will we do with those DVDs they’re in within our collection? 

What if it’s a politician?

And should we be surprised?  Well, we shouldn’t be!  Only Jesus himself is “good enough” to be worshipped.  The very best any of us can do is be honest about our failures and frailties.

And this is all abuse advocates are asking for.  Just be honest, tell the truth, trust the process.

Psalm 51 stands as testament to the power of true repentance.  David, whether you see him as an adulterer or rapist, wasn’t perfect.  He knew it!  We do well and we honour God when we confess our sins.

But better not to do our sexual assaults and spiritual abuses in the first place!

One thing we can do right now is expect more stories to break in time.  We’re on the cusp of a wave that will see all “heroes” tested for the mettle all heroes should have.  When we’re disappointed in our heroes being exposed, does this say just as much about us and the fact that we placed our alliances and allegiances in unwarranted places?

If we’re Christian, we could do a lot worse than imagining our heroes have a dark side just like we do. If we herald them less for their achievements, we will expect less of them regarding who they are.  But, of course, we expect everyone to be truthful.

When it comes to abuse, it’s the “least of these” who count most.

Image: mihai-surdu-415698-1

The grief that contributes so ‘generously’ to conflict

I have often wondered about the interdependence between grief and conflict. These two are intimately interrelated. Where we see grief, we see conflict, and where we see conflict, we see grief, and the common denominator between the two is the aspect of response.

Most of us, most of the time, respond to either grief or conflict in unproductive ways, and these inevitably contribute to the grief and conflict in others’ lives, too.

A major problem commences whenever someone continues to deny the truth that their body, mind and soul all too well must contend with. This is a spirit sadness/madness combination that won’t heal until it faces truth.

Imagine being in a situation where you experience grief and/or conflict—and yes, I mean a mix of the two, because they coexist—our inner being under the blowtorch of torment—and you IGNORE the fact, or worse, pretend that “there’s nothing wrong, here, with me!” (i.e. “the problem is with you!”)

Imagine that situation. Because this is the situation many of us encounter or must contend with. Our problems are not made easier when we encounter a person who refuses to acknowledge the grief they feel for the conflict they are enduring.

Imagine this is ourselves. Try to think of a time when we entered conflict, because we did not respond well. We said something or did something that upset someone, simply because within ourselves we were feeling scared or sad or just plain mad.

Perhaps we weren’t very well aware of what we were feeling.

This sort of thing happens in others, too, and it happens all the time, in all of us. We only have to reverse the situation to see how someone, in not responding well to us, is ignoring a grief the gnaws away at them.

It is a truth they find impossible in that moment to bear. Either the pain is too much, or they will not accept responsibility for it, or both, one causing the other.

Of course, we cannot bring them around to the truth they refuse to acknowledge, but we can become more introspective in those moments of conflict as we acknowledge the enormously generous contribution that grief makes to conflict.

I quite often talk about narcissism. Any of us can imagine a full-blown narcissist being in a situation where they have buried their grief deep. And even though we may bear our boundaries well, and we may refuse them their desire to trample all over us, we can at last see the presence of grief that they cannot face.

Do you know what helps?

It is the empathy that any of us can have for a destructive person that somehow understands them, but in the same fashion, will not allow them to do as they please.

This understanding helps us not feel fearful as we implement our boundaries, and indeed helps us to assert them with dignity and poise.

The empathy we have for a destructive person means we have achieved a lot for them that is productive for them and ourselves. We do not fail love’s requirements in this—we meet love’s requirements.

We give them a love they need—a love full of their truth and ours—that suits the situation, them AND us!

And we ought not to skimp on the empathy we could give ourselves, for the pure fact that now we can see the generous contribution grief makes to the conflicts that make our lives harder.

Having seen the role of our inner stress on our poor responses to conflict, we have the opportunity to be honest, and to share with those we are in conflict with, to show them that we have been responding out of our grief—which is not their fault. Apologies ensue, and reconciliation is a possibility.

Quite the reverse is an answer to prayer—when someone we’ve been in conflict with comes, having reflected, and with a soft heart they apologise.

Just as much, however, we may see a lack of transparency in the person who is responding poorly to us. We may now understand that it is a buried and entrenched grief they bear that causes them to respond so poorly to us.

It is no excuse, but it is a reason for us to understand. We may ask, “Why do they refuse to see their truth?” It is possible they have the inability to bear their pain.

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What if our biggest fight today isn’t what we think it is?

I was reminded of a golden truth at my pastor’s peer group recently. It’s something we all need reminding of, especially if we’re committed truth-tellers.

If we’re committed to truth-telling it will be important that we are discerners of truth, for we’ll fail otherwise, because we won’t be acting on the right information.

This was the truth I was reminded of: these people from Issachar, in 1 Chronicles 12:32, “understood the times and knew what Israel should do.”

They understood what was actually happening and that enabled them to advise on the right course of action.

Many people don’t like the word, “should.” They find it’s a demanding word. But do we realise that in grammar there’s an imperative mood, and in life there are imperatives we ought to do—for our and others’ benefit. If we know what we should do, we should do it.

The other thing that this verse shows us is that, despite the fact that we all assume we know the truth, discerning the truth isn’t that simple.

Indeed, the way God works within the passage of life and time is by realities that are most often quite difficult to discern, especially as they pertain to our own lives. Have you ever noticed how easily you might see truth as it relates to others’ lives, yet how difficult it is to see truth as it relates to your own life?

I think one of the truest dangers we all face in this day is the temptation to cynicism. We may herald the glories of being vulnerable, but we don’t appreciate being taken advantage of; less so more than ever in this current age.

But there is a threat to all of us in this in cynical age.

The more cynical we are, the less vulnerable we are, and are less vulnerable we allow others to be.

Standing on the outside looking in, we may be able to see that instead of making places safer, what we actually do is make trust rarer, and this can cause people to be sceptical. Our own scepticism grows and then we’re less able to see the virtues in others. We must ask, is this really what we want for ourselves and others?

The more information we take in that is based in scepticism, the more cynical we become, the less we are given to a default trust, and the more we put our walls up, and the less people are able to access the kind person inside of us who is waiting to bless someone.

I guess I’ve just become a little concerned. I’ve seen it in myself. I see it in our world. It’s the juicy, salacious story that gets the attention—the outrageous one. It’s as if we all need a reason or stimulus to be angry. Stories full of wonder and truth, plain as they are, aren’t sensational and don’t get airtime these days.

In the past days I’ve been to see “A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood” and I wonder if this is what our cynical world needs; more of the kind of facing ourselves that Mister Rogers stood for during over three decades of broadcasting.

Could it be that our biggest opportunity isn’t actually to quash the evil in others so much as to nurture the goodness within ourselves that can be of help to others?

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Moving forward into freedom from the pain of past

We all have things that cause us pain if we look back. Yet, as we look forward, not denying what is still an affront, we step away from the pain, and step forward into purpose.

Such is the opportunity afforded anyone who would not continue to pick away at a bleeding sore in order to just let it heal without constantly interrupting it.

Sometimes as we leave things, we don’t realise until many years later, that those things were meant to be left. Only as we look back, where these painful things of past no longer have a hold over us, do we recognise the truth that was always there, but could not be seen until we let go.

It’s not for all situations or for all people, but there are many who might read these words and say, “Yes, these are the right ones for me right now.”

As we step away from the past we feel beleaguered by, we step away from the despair of not being able to impact or influence a situation that is actually gone. We step forward into positions where influence comes as its own gift for walking away and surrendering that moment afresh to God.

We step away from those places God does not want us lingering, and we step into the destiny our Lord is calling us into—a fresh space, a new thing!

As we take the initial steps, we may still feel encumbered, as if this is not natural, good or right. These are steps of faith! And faith doesn’t always feel natural, good or right. If it did it wouldn’t be faith.

As the initial steps are taken, little by little disempowerment dwindles and wanes.

Little by little, freedom takes over. Little by little, joy returns. And peace. And hope.

As the steps are taken in obedience, a new flourishing begins to open up and blossom. These are always things we hadn’t expected to experience or receive, such is the wonderful goodness of God to design something awesome in the wake of something horrendous.

As we leave behind what God has intentioned must now be left behind, we find we gather a new voice, a new confidence, a new freedom, and a new reign over ourselves.

We may begin to giggle and laugh again, for finally we see the folly of remaining staid in the pain.

As we continue to step into the destiny awaiting us, we find God has prepared not only “things” but also a brand-new identity in Christ for us to dwell in.

And yet, and this is so ironic, it wasn’t brand-new at all—it simply has now been discovered, perhaps as a long-promised thing that God always had for us, if only we would surrender our past in trust for our destined present and future.

There is beauty beyond the pain, and yet the paradox remains, there would be no beauty at all if not for the pain! Can any of us figure this out? No, figuring it out isn’t the point.

Smile in the presence of mystery, for your healing has come close this day!

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The clearest red flag signposting narcissism

My fiancée sat there silently with our psychotherapist. She had been in tears. Utterly unable to comprehend the situation. I’d left for the bathroom. I cannot recall the incident itself. But while I was away, a poignant sentence was spoken.

It was possibly one of those moments, as a counsellor now myself, where you’re quietly praying madly for something truthful yet hopeful—a nugget of wisdom—to say, when an awkward and despairing silence continues to prevail.

(Not that awkward silences are bad in counselling. They can be very worthwhile, even game changing.)

Lingering long into the slowing of the seconds, but before I returned from the bathroom, our therapist broke the silence with a quiet whisper through characteristically steely caring eyes and a hopeful smile: “He does have potential...”

I imagine that moment was one for the ages. Neither my now wife nor I, nor our therapist, would possibly have imagined back then just how important that sentence would become to us.

Somehow there was hope even amid a pre-marital impasse, in a moment laden in despair.

When my wife calls me “a husband with potential,” even as I’ve often coined the term, it has come to mean so much as far as hope is concerned within our marriage.

Where potential frustrates & is never fulfilled

Indeed, the concept presented in the previous sentence also holds open a key to understanding narcissism—those who have potential from those who do not, if only we could draw a line of differentiation between them, as we in being human tend to do in categorising people.

The assumption or evidence at that time was that I, in the midst of disagreement and conflict, still had the capacity to learn and for change. Teachability. Our therapist was reminding my then-fiancée that all was not lost, and that she had the option to believe I could change. And I needed to.

As it happened, on that issue, I did change. It took some time, but change did occur.

Most people have the capacity for change. In the context of relationships, I mean. We’re not talking change that has no impact on anyone.

And this is the difference, when all is said and done, between a narcissist and someone who’s not. Someone who can learn, a person who can change, is someone we can say isn’t narcissistic.

The one characteristic of narcissism in the Bible

The narcissist is conspicuous in scripture.

He is Pharaoh, the one whose heart was hardened by the Lord (Exodus 4-14), like those also at Meribah at Massah (Psalm 95). He is the grass-eating Nebuchadnezzar (Daniel 4:33). She is Jezebel who cursed Elijah (1 Kings 18-19). He is the legalistic Pharisee who, whilst jotting the “i’s” lacked all compassion. She is Herodius who orchestrated the beheading of John the Baptist (Mark 6).

A key characteristic of someone who is narcissistic is their hard-heartedness. They can’t change because they won’t change. They’re strong-willed and won’t be convinced otherwise.

Anywhere the Bible shows us a person who remains stiff-necked and is therefore unwilling or unable to change—who cannot or will not learn—who has set their face like flint against the purposes of God.

This is why the narcissist cannot or will not apologise sincerely. They cannot be wrong if they cannot change. They cannot be wrong if they cannot learn. They cannot learn if they’re already right (in their own eyes). If they’re right (in their own eyes) why would they apologise?

They are locked in to being right. And the key check on this is whether they’re truly admitting they’re wrong, because many a narcissist will happily be SEEN as wrong IF they will earn something better for it; if manipulation will deliver the bigger bang for their buck!

In these situations, they still do not see themselves as wrong, but if it will help their image—that people may see them as humble or courageous or admirable, for instance—they will endure it.

But the key test is an apology that requires vulnerability AND change. They won’t go that way because they can’t go that way. It is too exposing, even for the potential image win. They would give up too much control.

Potential is such a key flag, as is the type of Change required

Getting back to that word “potential,” we can see that in truth there’s a conundrum in the narcissist.

Because we all have the potential to change, the people in the narcissist’s life live in the false expectation that it can happen, and yet they never see any fruit.

They may see attempts made, but none of these stick for very long, because the narcissist doesn’t deeper down see the need for change. And many narcissists never make any reasonable effort to change.

Now, nearly all of us have struggled to change. It doesn’t mean we’re necessarily narcissists. I think I would have tried giving up smoking hundreds of times, and only succeeded a few times—the final time, 17 years ago. Or diets. I’ve tried and failed many more diets than times I sincerely tried to give up smoking.

The difference is at least twofold. The type of change, in terms of relating with people, and the level of contrition shown.

Narcissists don’t change on those changes that damage others. And they are never remorseful, for instance, for failing to respect boundaries, even if they may appear fleetingly to feel sorry for the purposes of manipulation.

The clearest indicator that narcissism is real in a person is they won’t learn and can’t change.

They won’t learn and can’t change because they see no need to. It’s others who must learn and change, never them.

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Bad enough you’re misunderstood, how much worse when you’re blamed?

We all have weaknesses that make us vulnerable. Some, however, are more adept at pointing the finger at another person’s weakness. A sign of ignorance of their own weaknesses? Denying the presence of weakness is perhaps the biggest weakness of all.

I have weaknesses. I covet time. I can at times feel the need to be recognised for what I do. I value respect, but I can at times begin to demand it. And I also crave to be understood.

It occurred to me recently that there is one thing worse than simply being misunderstood, however, and that is being blamed for the misunderstanding.

First, let me get the matter of being misunderstood out of the way.

A sensitivity or need to feel understood

Many people hate being misunderstood. I know that I am one of them. Indeed, I have had to become aware of this propensity in order to not become part of the problem. But occasionally I still am part of the problem, because it is a weakness woven into my personality.

Being, or should I say feeling, misunderstood is a personal travesty which often has us attributing a lack of care to the other person. It’s dangerous, because the other person is not always at fault. At times, many times, we don’t communicate clearly enough, maybe because we’re feeling under pressure or we don’t structure what we’re saying efficiently, and when others act on precious little or even wrong information, is that their fault? If we haven’t communicated well, it can’t be.

If we’re susceptible to feeling misunderstood, and that can occasionally breed problems in our relationships, we need to have a heightened awareness for just how strong the desire is to be understood. We certainly can be sensitive to people who lack empathy.

If we have awareness of how strong the desire to be understood is, and we catch ourselves demanding understanding of a person, we can call ourselves to humility before it’s too late—before we have offended them by judging them.

Now, being blamed for the misunderstanding

If there is anything worse than being misunderstood, it is being blamed for the misunderstanding, as if we were the only ones that contributed to the breakdown of communication.

Even as we read that previous paragraph (sorry, it is a long sentence!), we have to acknowledge the insanity of it on the face of it.

Communication is a collective art. Communication isn’t achieved by just one person. It requires a teller of a message, and just as much it requires a receiver to encode the information sent. And even if the message is communicated poorly, the person receiving the information has the obligation to check, just as the person transmitting the message also should check.

If there is a communication breakdown, either the wrong information was sent, it was heard wrong, or there was a mix of both. At the end of the day, blaming fixes nothing.

The only corrective needed is to become aware of the inner need to find fault, repent of it, breathe, smile, and when calm, engage patiently with the other person again.

~

If we can acknowledge that feeling misunderstood is a real problem for many people, and that this is not their fault—it’s just the way they are—we can empathise with them when they’re feeling misunderstood, by being patient and having another go at the communication.

We might even attempt to understand how much worse it is when they feel blamed for the misunderstanding.

When we realise this, we can check with them about this, back track a little, recover what was lost, apologise if necessary, smile, and say, “Let’s do this again, but together this time.”

Better than blame is the patient awareness that accepts there’s been a misunderstanding. Rather than blaming, create clarity. Blessing comes when understanding is shared.

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