When I don’t know what I’ve done wrong against you

Years ago now, in a workplace setting, I thought I had a wonderful relationship with my upline manager. That was until the end of my first year. Then I learned rather suddenly some of the things that this person had disagreed with but hadn’t told me, even things that had hurt them, yet I had no idea—they hadn’t told me.

It was a shock to find out all of a sudden like that.

I’ve also had times, especially in social media circles, where I just sense that someone’s love and tenderness and passion toward me, for some reason unknown to me, has ebbed away—that their love has cooled, the relationship has become lukewarm, or even in some cases ice cold.

At these times, I wonder, “What went wrong?”

(Of course, as I write I’m aware of the possibility that others may have thought that I have cooled a relationship between me and them. That’s a sorry thought.)

These are just two examples of the kind of thing we all experience from time to time.

Somehow a relationship that seemed so positive and a source of real life to both, comes to nothing, and apparently there is no cause for it. I think the truth of the matter is usually that one person is aggrieved for some reason that they cannot or will not let the other person know about.

Part of the reason is possibly that they don’t want to hurt the other person with the truth, or it could be that they say, “Darn it, what they did is so bad, they’re in the sin bin.”

From a passionate and involved relationship one-day to absolutely nothing the next. That’s how some relationships come to vanish into the ether.

At some point we have to realise that the person breaking the relationship is the one who has the power, whether they want that power or not—very often they don’t!

The other person, however, is at the mercy of the person who has cooled things. And no matter how we feel about the other person if we’re the one who cooled things, rejection hurts them severely!

There is no way back into the relationship because there is no dialogue, and the person who doesn’t know what happened, doesn’t know what they’ve supposedly done wrong. Sometimes we don’t feel safe to share with them, and sometimes, especially in the case of violent relationships, we are best advised to make for safety. There is no obligation to share our truth, and there is no reason to compromise.

Or, much is more the case, they don’t know exactly what they said that was so offensive, because they figure it could be a number of things. Then the mind goes wild in circles of analysis that leads to mental and emotional paralysis.

If I am in a position where I don’t know what I’ve done wrong, but the relational dynamic suggests that I have done something wrong, I’m confused, and I often want to gently enquire. I really want to know what I’ve done wrong, but I want to hear about it from someone who is kind-hearted and gentle, because I’m especially vulnerable to the truth when I’m about to learn something that may be hard to hear.

If they were to have the courage of integrity to come and mention what it is I’ve done wrong, and to discuss it with me, I would want them to couch what they were to say by reassuring me first of how important our relationship is to them.

I would also sincerely desire that they wouldn’t bring something to me that I couldn’t agree with. Appealing to sensitivities, any of us may see how we may have hurt someone—I’m not talking about that. But it is hoped that our values aren’t so diametrically that they would coerce me into agreeing with something I completely disagree with. I would want such a conversation to be a redemptive moment. A time where they could share their heart and I could learn.

The secret to relational success is building truthful rapport from the start. That requires a bond of trust, which is difficult to establish and even harder to maintain. The thing that makes relationships most viable is the commitment of all to the ideal that differences should not separate us, provided values are not transgressed. But even when that occurs, love suggests that we speak our truth kindly, patiently, graciously, yet truthfully.

Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash