Bad enough you’re misunderstood, how much worse when you’re blamed?

We all have weaknesses that make us vulnerable. Some, however, are more adept at pointing the finger at another person’s weakness. A sign of ignorance of their own weaknesses? Denying the presence of weakness is perhaps the biggest weakness of all.

I have weaknesses. I covet time. I can at times feel the need to be recognised for what I do. I value respect, but I can at times begin to demand it. And I also crave to be understood.

It occurred to me recently that there is one thing worse than simply being misunderstood, however, and that is being blamed for the misunderstanding.

First, let me get the matter of being misunderstood out of the way.

A sensitivity or need to feel understood

Many people hate being misunderstood. I know that I am one of them. Indeed, I have had to become aware of this propensity in order to not become part of the problem. But occasionally I still am part of the problem, because it is a weakness woven into my personality.

Being, or should I say feeling, misunderstood is a personal travesty which often has us attributing a lack of care to the other person. It’s dangerous, because the other person is not always at fault. At times, many times, we don’t communicate clearly enough, maybe because we’re feeling under pressure or we don’t structure what we’re saying efficiently, and when others act on precious little or even wrong information, is that their fault? If we haven’t communicated well, it can’t be.

If we’re susceptible to feeling misunderstood, and that can occasionally breed problems in our relationships, we need to have a heightened awareness for just how strong the desire is to be understood. We certainly can be sensitive to people who lack empathy.

If we have awareness of how strong the desire to be understood is, and we catch ourselves demanding understanding of a person, we can call ourselves to humility before it’s too late—before we have offended them by judging them.

Now, being blamed for the misunderstanding

If there is anything worse than being misunderstood, it is being blamed for the misunderstanding, as if we were the only ones that contributed to the breakdown of communication.

Even as we read that previous paragraph (sorry, it is a long sentence!), we have to acknowledge the insanity of it on the face of it.

Communication is a collective art. Communication isn’t achieved by just one person. It requires a teller of a message, and just as much it requires a receiver to encode the information sent. And even if the message is communicated poorly, the person receiving the information has the obligation to check, just as the person transmitting the message also should check.

If there is a communication breakdown, either the wrong information was sent, it was heard wrong, or there was a mix of both. At the end of the day, blaming fixes nothing.

The only corrective needed is to become aware of the inner need to find fault, repent of it, breathe, smile, and when calm, engage patiently with the other person again.

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If we can acknowledge that feeling misunderstood is a real problem for many people, and that this is not their fault—it’s just the way they are—we can empathise with them when they’re feeling misunderstood, by being patient and having another go at the communication.

We might even attempt to understand how much worse it is when they feel blamed for the misunderstanding.

When we realise this, we can check with them about this, back track a little, recover what was lost, apologise if necessary, smile, and say, “Let’s do this again, but together this time.”

Better than blame is the patient awareness that accepts there’s been a misunderstanding. Rather than blaming, create clarity. Blessing comes when understanding is shared.

Photo by Etty Fidele on Unsplash