The grief that contributes so ‘generously’ to conflict

I have often wondered about the interdependence between grief and conflict. These two are intimately interrelated. Where we see grief, we see conflict, and where we see conflict, we see grief, and the common denominator between the two is the aspect of response.

Most of us, most of the time, respond to either grief or conflict in unproductive ways, and these inevitably contribute to the grief and conflict in others’ lives, too.

A major problem commences whenever someone continues to deny the truth that their body, mind and soul all too well must contend with. This is a spirit sadness/madness combination that won’t heal until it faces truth.

Imagine being in a situation where you experience grief and/or conflict—and yes, I mean a mix of the two, because they coexist—our inner being under the blowtorch of torment—and you IGNORE the fact, or worse, pretend that “there’s nothing wrong, here, with me!” (i.e. “the problem is with you!”)

Imagine that situation. Because this is the situation many of us encounter or must contend with. Our problems are not made easier when we encounter a person who refuses to acknowledge the grief they feel for the conflict they are enduring.

Imagine this is ourselves. Try to think of a time when we entered conflict, because we did not respond well. We said something or did something that upset someone, simply because within ourselves we were feeling scared or sad or just plain mad.

Perhaps we weren’t very well aware of what we were feeling.

This sort of thing happens in others, too, and it happens all the time, in all of us. We only have to reverse the situation to see how someone, in not responding well to us, is ignoring a grief the gnaws away at them.

It is a truth they find impossible in that moment to bear. Either the pain is too much, or they will not accept responsibility for it, or both, one causing the other.

Of course, we cannot bring them around to the truth they refuse to acknowledge, but we can become more introspective in those moments of conflict as we acknowledge the enormously generous contribution that grief makes to conflict.

I quite often talk about narcissism. Any of us can imagine a full-blown narcissist being in a situation where they have buried their grief deep. And even though we may bear our boundaries well, and we may refuse them their desire to trample all over us, we can at last see the presence of grief that they cannot face.

Do you know what helps?

It is the empathy that any of us can have for a destructive person that somehow understands them, but in the same fashion, will not allow them to do as they please.

This understanding helps us not feel fearful as we implement our boundaries, and indeed helps us to assert them with dignity and poise.

The empathy we have for a destructive person means we have achieved a lot for them that is productive for them and ourselves. We do not fail love’s requirements in this—we meet love’s requirements.

We give them a love they need—a love full of their truth and ours—that suits the situation, them AND us!

And we ought not to skimp on the empathy we could give ourselves, for the pure fact that now we can see the generous contribution grief makes to the conflicts that make our lives harder.

Having seen the role of our inner stress on our poor responses to conflict, we have the opportunity to be honest, and to share with those we are in conflict with, to show them that we have been responding out of our grief—which is not their fault. Apologies ensue, and reconciliation is a possibility.

Quite the reverse is an answer to prayer—when someone we’ve been in conflict with comes, having reflected, and with a soft heart they apologise.

Just as much, however, we may see a lack of transparency in the person who is responding poorly to us. We may now understand that it is a buried and entrenched grief they bear that causes them to respond so poorly to us.

It is no excuse, but it is a reason for us to understand. We may ask, “Why do they refuse to see their truth?” It is possible they have the inability to bear their pain.

Photo by Andrew Le on Unsplash