Desire and Distress in Intimate Relationships

Little things make a big difference in the world of relationships. This fact is never more palpable than in intimate relationships, where there is incredible power on the opposite sides of the knife’s edge.

Affirming behaviour is a genuine blessing,
just like behaviour that abandons harms.

I saw in a brief, two-minute video, revealing the power of a mother attending to her baby in two vastly different ways—communicatively, initially, before mimicking abandonment. At first, she smiled at her baby, talked with her, responded to her baby emotionally and verbally, and genuinely met her infant child as most parents endeavour to do. This was quite normal to watch. But the second half of the video was striking and distressing! It was a horrid encounter!

The mother became completely emotionally disconnected from her child; it is called still face experiment. What happens when the baby cannot communicate with her mother is she becomes incredibly distressed in such a short time period.

In intimate relationships, little things mean much.

Positive things add to the value shared between two, where trust blossoms and respect abounds, where interdependency is a feature, and joy and hope and peace are the felt outcomes.

But the opposite is also true. Just a few powerful negatives tear away at the fabric of rapport. Suddenly, what may have been a very happy alliance within the relationship can plummet and spiral into an abyss where trust can be destroyed, and disrespect is the visibly harrowing byproduct.

Imagine this scenario between a parent and a child, or a husband and a wife, or a boss and their employee. Imagine one, usually the one who has control over the power dynamic, disengaging from interaction, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

What the other person sees is remarkable. They see intentional abandonment, and this breeds a toxic climate between the two in a short space of time. What happens is the abandoned person responds out of desperation for attention, for validation, for care, for the needs that are very human needs. They begin to act like the wounded child. Very quickly we all descend into this pattern of behaviour having been abandoned.

If the pattern continues,
a pattern of abuse forming.

It is a form of control that constitutes bullying. And it will always create a bad response. We have known this for decades. I think of the blue eyed brown eyed experiments in the 1960s. If we treat someone horribly, human nature tells us that they will respond horribly. How horrendous is this, that an abuser knows they just need to push a person enough and they’ll push them over the edge enough that they’ll get into trouble!

It is inbuilt inhumanity to be cared for.

When I talk about intimate relationships, I don’t mean just marital relationships, although they are front and centre.

Any relationship where there is heavy dependence on another person to meet our needs is an intimate relationship. We necessarily need to come close to this person. We must interact with them, and trust and respect are needs of the relationship. Wherever we are in relationship and trust and respect are necessary for the relationship to continue, there are needs that must be met.

The lesson is this: in every relationship we have we must appreciate the desires in us and in the other person, and if those desires are not met in healthy ways, inappropriate behaviours will be the reciprocated response. It is so predictable.

Where the rubber hits the road
is in the relationships where we have power.

If we are parent or a spouse or we have a supervisory relationship over someone in the workplace, we must appreciate that we must meet the needs of those who depend on us.

If we don’t meet their needs,
it isn’t their fault if they behave inappropriately.
It’s ours. That’s leadership!

If the person you were in a relationship with abused you through apathy or abandonment, your negative response, though it may be called ‘inappropriate’ by them, wasn’t and isn’t your fault.

Sure, we may not have risen to the occasion of overlooking an offence, but as any psychologist will tell you, none of us can overlook offences that are repetitively performed against us. It’s just unrealistic to expect people to respond appropriately every time where there is systemic abuse.

Little things have great impact. Our positive behaviour in relationships doesn’t have to be huge all the time, just consistent. But our negative behaviour has huge consequences for them and us.

If we show dissonance and disdain,
we will receive despondency and dereliction.

It might seem like a little thing
[to some people]
but a lack of regard for care,
a lack of empathy and compassion
~~~ in an intimate relationship ~~~
THIS is enough to wreak catastrophe.