The attitude and behaviour (the depths) of remorse

When do you know someone is truly sorry? How can you tell there is true remorse? What must a person do or say to convince you they know they did the wrong thing?

The answers to these questions are not the same for everyone, yet there is a general truth we can all agree on: there is an attitude and behaviour of remorse.

In other words, someone can express remorse through their words, they can feel remorseful, or they can be remorseful.

You might think, what is the difference? There is a subtle yet significant difference.

There is a growing phenomenon in these times of people and situations where remorse is expressed, and apologies are spoken into existence, yet there is not quite the behaviour of remorse within the apology.

They could say it like this:

I am really sorry you feel hurt,
but I take no responsibility for how you feel.

~ or it might go like this ~

I’m sorry you feel hurt, but that’s not my fault.

Do you notice the attitude of remorse in this statement? It can be said with all the power of empathy without it actually being empathetic. It can be said, and indeed feel like it is meant, without it requiring anything from the speaker. And your gut knows something isn’t right. “How did they just say sorry, yet I find it hard to accept their apology? Am I being unfair?”

Do you see what has happened? There is the appearance of an apology, without the important qualities of an apology. It’s an ‘apology’ “and now let’s move on…”

The person is indeed saying they can see the other person is hurt, but they do not attach any personal responsibility to themselves for the action that caused the hurt.

They exonerate themselves from taking the responsibility to change their behaviour.

Dig a little deeper, and this is true for many people expressing remorse, and there is not enough remorse communicated to convince you that the person apologising will change their behaviour. Again, they might as well be saying, “I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt, but that isn’t my fault.”

They don’t seem to see what they did wrong, how they wronged you, what they need to change, or how they’re to go about it. There is no conviction of heart and, therefore, no driving motivation to challenge their behaviour, let alone change it.

Now do you pick up how serious the subtleties involved in this are?

The attitude of remorse without the behaviour of remorse could well be described as an incomplete apology, and in many people’s books, it’s no apology at all.

In any conflict, there will always be disagreement about portions of contribution. When we express remorse, we aren’t saying we have done everything wrong, and we are the only ones in the wrong, but what we are saying is we were 100% wrong about what we did wrong. This is a critical distinction.

Saying a genuine sorry is taking
full responsibility for a single wrong.

It’s only when we take full responsibility
that we’re prepared to consider
a change to our behaviour.

If you want to know how to apologise to someone in such a way that they feel compelled to accept your apology, you only need to be sincere to the degree of accepting full culpability for what you did wrong.

You admit your part; you say sorry; you accept the consequences; you ask for forgiveness; and, most importantly in this situation, because it is imperative to do this to convince the other person that you understand what you did wrong, that you alter your behaviour and attitude. (When we teach these principles to children, in peacemakingterms, we call these the five A’s of apology.)

Very few people ever expect us to own all of the wrong that took place, but the people we are in conflict with have a fair expectation that we will own all of our own contribution. We often must do this before they’ll even consider their contribution.

This means we don’t just say sorry, but we accept that we are wrong, to the extent of the particular thing we did, and we change our behaviour regarding this particular thing accordingly.

Apologies like this are powerful. They have the power to reconcile relationships and restore trust. But there are many people who cannot and will not practice these principles. And when we know the distinction between these principles—between the attitude and behaviour of remorse—we can begin to call people gently to account.

Of course, the lesson in this is indeed personal; how are we in our relationships exemplifying the attitude and behaviour of remorse?

The narcissist epitomises the attitude of remorse without having the capacity to behave remorsefully. They say sorry but do not ever mean it.

They can say sorry, but of course, being sorry is more than simply saying the word.

There are two depths of remorse: surface level that mimics remorse, and a deeper level that embodies remorse. These depths might as well be worlds apart, for the heart is entirely different between them.

Photo by Ashley Rich on Unsplash