Why People Think They Need to Control You

Crawling over the surface of our skin,

The moment we let them in,

They seek to take control,

Through our lives they have the dice to roll.

***

Power and control consumes the world. Power bears over us at all times in various ways. None of us is immune to the pressures that bear for us to control and those around us to control us. Many times control is necessary and perfectly appropriate, especially if it’s within the scope of authority and it’s done in a conciliatory way, but power that seeks to lord it over people to exploit them needs to be resisted.

Sometimes power and control is foisted over us, much to our chagrin. We wriggle to escape and resistance is normal. We can cope with it for a while and our sense for grace makes certain allowances, but soon enough we feel the urge to resist. Resistance is a normal human response. We will resist because we don’t appreciate being exploited; no one does. Even by avoidance we are resisting.

When people seek to control us there is generally a deficiency deep within them. What they think will make them happy – to execute control over us – will not make them happy at all. If they were free from fear they would also allow us to live free.

People may think they need to control us for our own good, but it’s for their security that they do it. Only insecure people seek to control others.

When we are in a relationship with someone who thinks they need to control us we are in for an unhappy experience.

If the relationship that controls us is a family relationship tolerance may be the only strategy we can employ, as well as to limit contact to small doses.

Because a person is insecure in the deeper threads of their being they overcompensate. Because they fear losing control so much they must endeavour to gain control. They are drawn to control much like a moth is drawn to a bright light.

So why is it that people think they need to control us? It’s about them, not us. Living in an external locus of control, those people who must control others actually cannot control themselves. If things go wrong blame must be apportioned elsewhere.

A person’s insecurity costs society,

It causes distress and despair in others,

Control’s a hideous blight on relationships,

It stresses those who could be sisters and brothers.

© 2014 S. J. Wickham.

Accepting the Forwards-Backwards Nature of Life

Sometimes we’re ahead and sometimes we’re behind,

At times we have vision and at times we’re blind,

What we can do when we need to survive,

Is have faith in God to give us the endurance to thrive.

***

We all have bad days.

Intermingled through life is the same phenomenon. We tend to think we are alone in our bad days. We think we are the only ones who are devastated by the circumstances of life. It’s not because we are selfish in and of itself. We just don’t realise how normal to life crushing experiences are, especially in lives that are lived in the starkness of reality, i.e., without being medicated some way.

We have an opportunity, whilst we are enduring the bad days, to hold out hope that these, too, shall pass; that times we feel we are going backwards in life are actually times we grow most. And when we are making the most progress we are learning the least.

The forwards-backwards nature of life needs to be accepted. We don’t ever achieve such acceptance, however, without years invested in the learning, and we cannot learn when life is easy.

Given that hardship is the proving ground of faith, we have the opportunity of embracing the very thing that propels us toward maturity. But it is so tempting to take the easy route. We will always choose pleasure over pain.

Now if we can see the value in the hardship of a bad day, and the hope even in the midst of pain, it is a reward worthy of a heavenly reward. But we do not need to wait until we have arrived in heaven to receive such a heavenly reward. God rewards us here, in this life, for all the sacrifices made in the hardship of a bad day.

If we endure those times when we feel we are going backwards and regressing, God will bring even more meaning to those times when we are moving forwards, later.

If we are tolerant in seasons of regression, God will give us abundantly more contentment when we finally move into a season of progression.

To accept the forwards-backwards nature of life is the mature mindset, based in the wisdom of the ancients who have comprehended that life cannot be masterminded. Life can only be lived.

Know that at times we are ahead and at times we are behind. And the key to it all is that progress without learning is a folly. If we demand progress from ourselves we will reveal ourselves as poor students. Yet if we accept that progress comes in ebbs and flows we are likelier to succeed and live happier in life.

© 2014 S. J. Wickham.

The Therapy of Drizzling Rain Drifting Down

Drizzling rain drifting down,

Pattering gently on the roof,

All the mind’s spaces prevail,

Pleasantly quiet and aloof.

Gradually soothing the precipitation creates,

The senses for feeling alive,

Communication of bliss within,

Not one fake feeling to contrive.

When the mind is soothed,

And the soul is mesmerised,

Therapeutic space is made,

And time on Earth is prized.

Like a massage for the senses,

Is the reality of rain,

Filtering down from the heavens,

To make meaning out of pain.

For the gently drizzling shower,

Is God’s good delight,

As he waters the thirsty earth,

By his renewing and loving might.

Rain comes down,

And it comes down ever more,

The reliability of rain,

Is something to trust for sure.

Rain has set in this very day,

These showers are not a few.

Whether life is good or bad,

Rain is a reality that’s true.

Take a chance on the day,

For rain may stay beyond night,

Do what you wish and contemplate,

Walk by faith, not sight!

Rain reminds us to be contemplative. It takes us into the nether regions of our souls as if life was lived in the imagination. That is, until we have to work in driving rain!

But being inside, listening to the intense patter of rain on the roof or windows is bliss. There is nothing quite like rain, or a warming log fire, or a gentle waterfall to bring us to the sense for tranquillity.

Rain reminds us of presence of change, of cleansing, of growth, and of renewal.

We may find that rain is something that endures so far as what brings catharsis. Massaging the senses and the soul, rain does much more than irrigate the earth.

© 2014 S. J. Wickham.

Palliative Care – Confirmation of An Impending Grief

There’s something in the reality of A4 paper,

As the eye gazes and browses and intently reads,

The mind attempts to grapple with an haranguing caper,

A sense of solemnity this information feeds.

Four pages, then five, it’s very clinical,

Words that reverberate, the conscience they defile,

Meanings that mean what they mean without being cynical,

Grounded now in a reality that refuses denial.

How on Earth do we feel, perhaps we might reflect,

An embrace of moments wrung out in an aeon,

We look into each other’s eyes, no sign of neglect,

Moments are inexplicably palpable, that we can agree on!

When all of life runs otherwise swimmingly – apart from the obligatory stresses that none of us need – there is always the reality that steals joy from the moment.

Such moments, caged in the ferocity of an annoyance beyond understanding, yet peace transcending all the negativity is the feature of our gait, we get on with getting on.

“God is using these very moments,” I have been known to say; even today.

We are humbled in the fact that what God is doing through this he’s doing with a grand design in place. God loves integrity and he hates duplicity. That’s God for you. Our role – as everyone’s is – is to be faithful as God is faithful.

As we tore open the envelope that contained those four or five pages – the perinatal palliative care plan – we read the document separately; first Sarah as I read Ethan a story, then I. It was sombre and sobering reading.

The people who are caring for us do this sort of thing for a business, yet they are so inherently considerate. We are learning all the time.

God loves us all and he hates it whenever we must endure such pain. But God knows, as well, that we can endure anything, through the grace of the Spirit, which is power beyond reason, hope when there isn’t any, and joy when it’s required.

Making the most of our pain is our Lord. This is not because God is messed up or sadistic. But God knows that the genuine material of blessing comes from having suffered well, and yet, there are still so many who insist on getting their ‘blessing’.

The faith-life is, at times, a shock to the system. Life runs along dormant for a time, and then, without much warning, ‘life’ occurs to test our resolve. We faint for a time. But, faith suggests that a reasonable solution is never far away, despite what appears to be a confusing mess.

© 2014 S. J. Wickham.

Don’t Stand for Fear. Stand for Love

This thing called Fear,

Threatens as it comes near,

Finding its way under our guard,

Love’s suddenly impossibly hard.

Fear is no friend,

He will take us to the end,

It’s where despair we’ll find,

And we won’t be able to be kind.

But love will dispel all fear,

Love will draw us near,

God’s love perfects our hope,

God’s love is goodness to cope.

Don’t stand for fear. It comes into our lives and ravages us without us even knowing it most the time. It is an intruder who is never truly welcome. Fear stifles, threatens, makes promises it cannot keep, and produces doubting and despair, envying and jealousy, pride and self-righteousness.

I hate fear. I’m sure God hates fear. It robs us of every good thing that was ever destined to help us to live a life of love.

Fear will destroy all you’ve worked for if you’ll let it. It will certainly wreak havoc with all your relationships as you wrangle for possession of poise against the haranguing anxieties that propel good things ever away.

I know women and men who have thrown their good lives away because they were dominated by fear without ever knowing it. They allowed the poise of pride to be their veneer, and never truly acknowledged their inner brokenness. They became their own worst enemies, thinking that God was an entity who could be manipulated. They preferred to live a lie instead of owning a truth we all must own.

We need God.

It is an anachronism that a Christian can live the worldly existence and join forces with secularism and not be trapped in fear. We cannot serve God and money; Jesus makes that point plainly.

Fear will finish us, but when we choose to come back to love – a moment at a time – and go back into the heart of God in our fear – we are given power to overcome our fear.

Love will overcome fear as we live our love; that is to live in loving ways, which is to give, be kind, compassionate, just, humble, and good in every way we can.

Every time we give our lives away we overcome our fear afresh. See how overcoming fear is actually quite an easy thing, but it will cost. But this cost is a benefit far outweighing any true cost in pure benefit of personal wellbeing.

© 2014 S. J. Wickham.