SOME people are more prone to being
bullied than others are, but that makes them no lesser people.
Indeed, if we’re prone to being
bullied we may also need to watch for the fact we’re prone to being the bully.
It’s not something of true cause-and-effect, though, because many people who
are prone to being bullied wouldn’t harm a fly. There are those, too, who would
never stand to be bullied, yet have such narcissistic sociopathic tendencies as
to be routinely involved in bullying. And there are those fortunate, blessed
ones who don’t stand for bullying, either against themselves or others. And
finally there are those who don’t see it as an issue. But it is an issue.
What a curse of fallenness bullying
is! The modern day was made for the troll — the slinking evil presence doing
the evil one’s bidding. And who will defend the defenceless target of such
stunts, covertly performed?
Those of the
“harden up, princess!” school ought to be cautioned — just because bullying may
not affect them, there’s nothing to say it’s not a legitimate and serious issue
for others. Indeed, our society is screaming for better responses to those who
would attack people without even a thought, let alone a care; those who
perpetrate and perpetuate violence with a promise: if-you-resist-my-attack-I-will-get-you-back;
or worse: if-you-resist-my-attack-and-I-will-raise-the-stakes.
My Personal Experience
In nearly two
decades of being a health and safety ‘chaplain’ in four major corporations in
the secular workplace, I saw many varieties of bullying outplayed in all
organisational dimensions — up, down and sideways. As a contact officer under
my State’s equal opportunity laws I was occasionally called upon to support and
advocate for a person who felt socially unsafe in their work environment. And,
besides, it was bread-and-butter work for a safety and health professional;
bullying and harassment were implicit and explicit in my State’s safety and
health laws; the legislature I was paid to oversee, educate people on, and
enforce.
But my professional
experience in the occupational environment didn’t whet my appetite to be an
advocate for the bullied. That occurred when I was bullied for the first time
as a sixteen-year-old apprentice. That lasted three years. In the 1980s — prior
to good safety and health legislation coming out — it was common for
apprentices to be abused with pranks. I suffered dozens of them. I was
fortunate, though, that God provided me an advocate in my final year; a
tradesman who’d only shortly finished his own apprenticeship. He took my
supervisors and the tradespeople I was under to task. He told them that I’d
never amount to anything if they constantly abused me and put me down. They
backed off and that was the last time I suffered bullying — until five years
ago. In between times — from 1987 until 2010 — I worked for good people, I
worked with good people, and, from 1993, I was able to advocate for others as
either an employee representative, a supervisor, or a safety professional.
More and more covert
bullying occurs these days as protagonists engage pathologically. In my
experience, some managers used it as a form of control where other methods
hadn’t worked. Employees would often quit because of the stress. Some employees
used it on managers as a passive-aggressive technique for resisting things they
didn’t like. Many managers I know have suffered significantly because of the
stress of this up-line bullying. And many co-workers were ensconced in workplace
relationships that didn’t work — stress, anger anxiety, and depression were
prevalent just because working relationships didn’t work. Mediation was
occasionally used, but not nearly often enough. Many, many people suffer in
silence.
A classic irony in
bullying is it’s driven by fear. The bully is operating not out of love, but
out of fear. Their fear seeks to propagate fear in the one/s they bully.
Confronting and
Resolving the Issues
It’s not the
typical industrial safety risks that are of most concern to society. Truly it’s
discrimination, bullying and harassment; these silent risks that coalesce with
the shame for not wanting to be seen as a weakling. Being bullied doesn’t make
us weak.
Quite simply there’s
no excuse for bullying, and allegations of bullying should always be taken very
seriously. It’s not for the purpose of punitive action against the alleged
bully — it’s about getting dialogue occurring between the warring parties. We
can do nothing sustainable about bullying unless we can get the parties talking
in safety.
If someone feels
unsafe in a relational dynamic, and their efforts to bring peace have resulted
in no change, there’s a very high likelihood that it’s bullying — especially if
their efforts have resulted in the other person upping the ante. Pure and
simple.
Many people in
workplaces — indeed, also within families and other groups — need help in order
to get on with one another. It should be everyone’s aim to get on with one
another. When we’re able to get along with one another everyone suffers less
stress.
I’ve seen
previously ‘normal’ people reduced to pathology cases simply because bullying
went on and on in their workplaces without it being checked. I’ve seen people’s
lives wrecked — again, previously very well adjusted people. Bullying doesn’t
discriminate.
It’s not just
so-called weak people who are bullied; everyone is susceptible.
When the truths of
people’s perceptions can be raised in safety, there’s a very real opportunity
of moving forward. Nobody should have to work, live or exist in situations
where they feel unsafe.
A process I’ve
seen used that works well is to get three parties in a room for as long as it
reasonably takes — perhaps over two or three meetings — to get parties to agree
on what the issues are and what can be done. Again, it’s not just about
defending the person who feels bullied. It’s about understanding the
perceptions of each person in order to develop work-arounds that work for both.
It’s not sustainable otherwise.
Obviously the
ultimate goal is to get people on the same page so far as mutual trust and
respect is concerned. It that’s not possible a difficult choice might be
apparent. For both persons’ safety, separation may be the only choice, or a
level of safe supervision. Whatever, a solution is needed. Sticking our heads
in the sand only makes the problems worse. People should not suffer in silence
and aggressors should not get away with it.
What Can We All Do?
We live in a
bipolar society. One day we’re advocating for suicide prevention (in Australia
we have “RUOK day” in September each year) and the next we’re deploring people
whinging about bullying. It’s such a shame to think that many cases of bullying
end up in suicide. And certainly self-harming is a very common response to
bullying. We cannot advocate for mental health and tell people to ‘toughen up!’ We cannot have it both ways. The
issues are interconnected.
My challenge to
the so-called strong people who want people to ‘harden up’ is to lend some of that
surplus strength they have and make real
strength out of it: advocate for the weaker person. The only real strength
is love; a strength that gives itself away.
1.
Encourage
them to overcome their fears.
2.
Empower
them to get the issues on the table so the truth can engaged with.
3.
Equip them
with the belief that reconciliation is possible.
4.
Enable them
with support if they need to get out of the toxic situation.
Advocating for the
bullied isn’t about being fearful. It’s about being fair.
There’s no reason
why anyone should be in fear of a relationship, because of the threat of
violence, or even because it feels awkward. Everyone deserves the opportunity
of working and living in safe spaces and situations.
© 2015 Steve Wickham.