This may not sound very pastor-ish, but I have seen my fair
share of damage in order to authoritatively say this: if you are unsafe in your
relationship, leave.
But you know it’s funny; the conditioning we
get as Christians, and a triple portion is granted to the pastor; the default
is to keep people together.
We’re fighting against what we think is
unbiblical—that to end marriages is diabolical. But I truly think it is more
unbiblical to do the kind of ministry that keeps people together when there is
clear toxicity in the relationship.
I am admonished by the psychology and by my own
experience; narcissistic partners have very little hope—dash it, none—of having
the awakening they need to bring insight to life. Whoever will not repent,
cannot.
Those who don’t have the
capacity to be honest
don’t have the insight nor the will to change.
don’t have the insight nor the will to change.
This is where my AA days have come in most
useful. 160 meetings in 11 months taught me some valuable life lessons, as did
the Twelve Step Program.
It is surprising the value any
human being can derive in being in an AA meeting for the first five minutes
where the chapter called “how it works” is read out aloud before the throng… if they have insight into
themselves.
This chapter, and indeed the whole Big
Book, is written not only for the alcoholic, but also for the narcissist:
“Rarely have we seen
a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover
are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple
program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being
honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates… They are naturally
incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous
honesty… [but, people do recover] if they have the capacity to be honest.” (p. 58)
The very best Christians, indeed the very best
people, are the ones who have the capacity to be honest. It is ridiculous for
any person, let alone a Christian person, to think they have nothing to learn
and to believe others are always at fault.
It is a most heinous thing for any human being to be beyond
insight; to believe the problems rest in others and not in themselves. This is
essentially narcissism, which is the mark of the beast on a person who cannot
see their sin. They are Satan’s instrument. They are damaging individuals to be
in a relationship with, and their relationships will resound with toxicity,
unless, like birds of a feather, they flock together (in feeding one another’s
egos).
When we are in a relationship with someone who
presents as charming to outsiders, and when alone are tyrants, who may
undermine us to others with their gaslighting, who will be enraged when we
‘press their buttons’, who are always right and never wrong, who constantly
leave us confused, and who hardly ever (or never) take responsibility, and who
may apologise but never change; we do have the right to leave.
We put the onus on the partner bearing
narcissistic tendencies; but if they are truly narcissistic, they won’t change.
Those who do not have the
capacity
to be honest cannot recover.
to be honest cannot recover.
Reading this article may leave you feeling
deflated and relieved at the same time. I’m sorry for that, but it is clear to
me that there are too many relationships where sensitive, good-hearted people
are trapped by the need to stay in a relationship for image-management purposes
alone.
But a final word of caution: when we do leave, we can expect for
things to get worse before they get better. The narcissist always makes it
about how bad, unkind, and sinful you’ve been. It’s very sad.