It’s tricky what triggers grief

As I watch a state basketball grand final, praying for friends who are playing, just enjoying the contest, something strikes me. That sense of déjà vu.

We were there four years ago almost to the day. And this game mattered because I had close pastoral relationships with a couple of the players and had been praying a lot for one particular player. It was good to wish her the best as the team warmed up.

That night four years ago was one of our more memorable dates we got to took Nathanael on.

It was a night when he was safe in Sarah’s womb, 28 weeks gestation and growing strong, albeit in deep trouble with abdominal organs crowding lung development and having been diagnosed with Pallister-Killian Syndrome five weeks earlier.

That period was such an intense period of our lives.

Not that we could know it on August 29, 2014, but the two weeks following, intensity would actually ramp up. We knew at the time that God was Present there with us because of how much was being thrown at us in spiritual warfare. The devil hated everything we stood for. He hated the support that God had garnered for us in preparing to lose Nathanael. We were patently aware of the enemy’s schemes. Somehow, everything that was happening against us God was using for His glory.

As I watched the Facebook live stream of the 2018 grand final, memories of 2014 flooded back, of the players on the roster back then, one who has become a dear friend even if on the other side of globe, and of the experience itself. But Sarah was already becoming very uncomfortable. It had been 17 days since her initial amnioreduction procedure, and she was due for the second one within days. But she never complained. The issues in our lives were far bigger than that.

As I cast my mind back, of the relationships we had with that team, and with many others also supporting us, it seems weird to have felt under attack like we were. Again, we knew the fight wasn’t being fought by mere flesh and blood, but in the spiritual realms, where the powers and principalities rule (or, more to the point, think they do).

And still there is this grief that we were carrying, and now there is the trigger of that emotional time.

In some ways it’s very cool, because what we would give to be back there, suffering what we were, but to have Nathanael in our possession once more, to feel him moving and kicking, to see him moving under ultrasound, these things were phenomenal to us!

So, I’m thankful that this has been triggered, but it’s not always the case in grief or trauma is it?

No, far from it. When severely negative experiences, that when converted, are meaningful to the point of trauma, we see how those things have changed us. Those experiences bore deeply into our psyches. It happens. Triggers are set. Stimuli takes place. And next thing you know you’re re-experiencing some very familiar emotions. Many of which are unwelcome.

If you have triggers, and if there are certain experiences that set you off, I encourage you to be brave, find a therapist who is safe for you, and learn ways of making those experiences part of your overall growth. I know you can and will be able to do it.  

Here’s a person to be wary of

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The world is full of lovely people, so don’t get me wrong if this sounds a bit far-fetched or gets us talking about negative things too much.

But the fact is there are people in our lives that gain far too much access to us.

Let me paint them in this way: this is the person you get into a conversation with, who perhaps begins by flattering you in such a way that their charm disarms you. Then, before you know it, they start some kind of diatribe on a topic you disagree with, but lo and behold, they have you agreeing with them, even though your head and heart are saying, ‘No, this is not on!’ You quickly learn that their approach to you was not out of wanting to get to know you, or to shoot the breeze, or to share about themselves, but they have some agenda, and you play some strategic part in it; you’re a pawn in their manipulation. Against such a person is a loser, for such a person with such and such of an agenda has already done the thinking about how you or I will be their conquest.

This interaction is not about relationship.
This interaction is about their influence.

There are no friendly conversations, just for the sake of relating with them, with this kind of person. They have no interest in fellowship or support or care. They will not be honest with you about themselves, and they won’t be that interested about what you might honestly (yet foolishly) disclose about yourself. And yet some are highly skilled in appearing to be caring and interested. But it falls away in that it’s selectively used; these people are not caring by character — they switch it on for their advantage, when it suits them.

This is a person we all know. We all know this kind of person. They are the kind of person who want to know us for what they can get out of us. There always seems to be an end goal or an agenda with this kind of person. Because this kind of person plays the manager role very effectively, they are commonly found in leadership positions, but they bear no traits of true leadership, because their objective is exploitation. Yeah sure they will cloak their exploitation of you and me in the need to do something good on behalf of an organisation, or worse, blaspheme God’s name by saying that they are discharging God’s will (yes, that’s a form of spiritual abuse right there).

One sure sign of this kind of person is we feel used
by them in having simply interacted with them.

Normal interactions don’t leave us feeling manipulated.

It may be the case that we know many sharks who are prepared to exploit us for their gain. But we are called into relationships with people who don’t desire to get something from us, but with people who will love us and accept us for who we are.

One key sign that we are in an interaction with someone unsafe is we will feel manipulated about how we respond, to the point where we may find we’re agreeing with them in our words whilst feeling coerced in our minds. There is discomfort in the interaction and not the free ability to confront them.

What do we do with these kinds of relationships?

We avoid these kinds of interactions, but when they do take place, we need to be wary, being careful what we say, and being doubly careful what we agree with. Expect that you will disappoint this kind of person, but don’t let them brow-beat you into feeling guilty.

If you confront them, don’t expect it to end well. People such as these disdain honesty and their pride despises the calm strength we bring in disagreeing. They will meet you and raise the stakes.

With such a person you need to be,
as Jesus said,
wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove.

I consider a person safe and trustworthy when they don’t require anything of me. Relationships work best when we voluntarily give of ourselves, not because we’re being controlled.

Why do we make excuses for the people that waltz into our lives and do some of the following?

-         often make assumptions, not checking with us because they care so little;

-         take us for granted by not considering our needs;

-         draw attention to our behaviour when we decide something they don’t agree with;

-         ask ‘small’ favours that are always larger than they initially imply;

-         offer ‘elegant tradeables’ (things we neither want nor need) in exchange for things we value;

-         think nothing of us forfeiting our family time for them (even with a sugar-coated apology);

-         will interrupt us interacting with someone else because of ‘something important’ i.e. to them.

You’re tough enough when it’s rough to show your stuff

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In suffering you need to be alert to the beauty in life.

— Jordan B. Peterson

There is something worse, far worse, than suffering and that something is the place of hell.

Hell is the place of utter chaos. We court hell when our lives are overwhelmed in the confusion of suffering, but hell is not a place we are directed to go to. On the contrary, suffering is just as likely to open the door to heaven, but we hardly think that is a possibility.

One of the things I discovered in my foundational grief — in the minutes and moments and months upon months of bearing something close to hell — was that my sense for beauty and goodness was also nourished.

Somehow, as I journeyed with God, even though for the largest part He seemed absent at the time, His Spirit reminded me as I looked back of the beauty and goodness in life, especially in other people’s suffering. My compassion was being nurtured. And my heart to connect with people’s suffering was being enlarged.

Suffering did not just take away from my life,
it added qualities into my life.

Somehow, I learned to trust that when things are rough I was tough enough to show my stuff.

In fact, I seem to be more easily encouraged, because I knew I needed courage.

I craved situations that would bring new life. And even after seeing this work once, I believed it could work again and again. So, even in suffering, and especially in grief, there is a need for courage, and when we need courage we are drawn toward being in situations where we can be encouraged.

These principles I talk about, here, are sound scientifically proven principles in the field of psychology, and still, thousands of years before that God spoke on these matters.

We must separate two concepts that seem to be joined.

These two concepts are the concepts of suffering and of hell. Both seem to be faced at the same time, hell within suffering, and suffering that produces hell. But if we separate these two destinations of being, we enlist hope as we recognise and run from hell into the arms of grace.

We must separate hell from suffering.

We do this in a simple action of finding beauty in life, which is to think courageously, and to be prepared to be vulnerable to be brave to be encouraged.

We will only go to hell if we submit to the idea. If we submit to the devil and willingly do his work. I don’t know many people who would be happy doing that. But there are many who don’t realise they are doing just that when they give up or when they decide to become satisfied in resentment.

If the idea of hell scares us
it will motivate us
to bear our suffering with God.

Why is it that some people prosper through their suffering, while others seem to remain perplexed?

Perhaps the only difference between the person who prospers and the person who remains perplexed is what their attitude settles for. Suffering is an invitation to maybe the biggest purpose we’ve ever had in our lives. To overcome it is our goal. And anyone who has such a goal, who fears being swallowed by their grief, will endeavour to improve on their life, simply to make their life more sustainable.

While we suffer we are not compelled to stay in or even enter hell, though there may still be many moments that feel like hell. When we resist hell and find that God is on our side to the point of investing in on our purpose, we find we can avoid or overcome hell.

Marriage is like baking a cake, by Sarah Wickham

For the time that we lived in a house with a useless oven that an owner (not us) wouldn’t fix properly, I was not able to make birthday cakes.  I’m not much of a baker, so it wasn’t really much of a hardship – but birthday cakes, well, it’s a special occasion and I didn’t want my family to miss out on a homemade birthday cake.

Finding the undecorated cakes at the local grocery shop was just the answer for me and in fact it was liberating for me for now I did not have to waste all that energy and thought time on making the cake. Instead, I had more time to consider how I would decorate those cakes, or cupcakes. I was able to do the fun stuff, and not the boring work of making the cake and doing the dishes from making the cake (actually, Steve did the dishes – still it was a chore to get done). Actually, I’m quite enjoying decorating cakes – that I may not bake another cake, maybe.

I recently discovered a Facebook group dedicated to showing off people’s creations made using these pre-made plain cakes from the grocery shops, and no doubt there’s other groups that do the same thing.  It’s now a thing!

But marriage is not like this.

No one else can bake your marriage cake.  Wise counsellors can assist with the selection of ingredients and perhaps help with working out the method, if you’ll let them.  And it might be necessary to have the assistance of a counsellor or other professional to help if certain ingredients are having a problem mixing together.  But you and your spouse have to do the work – no one else can do it for you; you and your spouse have go through the fire. 

It is not until the cake is properly cooked AND cooled that you can finally put the tasty icing or butter cream on it and enjoy it – the bits of the cake that are really satisfying.

So what ingredients do you need in a relationship. Well, consider your marriage vows for starters – what did you promise your spouse that YOU would do.

Then perhaps consider Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance [patience], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

Can you say that you are ALL these things, ALL the time?

And when it’s not working out, because there will be plenty of times when it doesn’t, an important ingredient is the humility to do the work of “getting the log out of your own eye,” (Matthew 7:1-5) to understand what just happened and to say sorry. But not just say sorry, but to also to forgive.

It all takes time, effort and perseverance.

If we only had to ice our cakes life would be so easy. If only marriage was just about the tasty bits. Unfortunately, (or fortunately) we have to mix and bake our marriages from scratch.

What must be understood to engage MEN in therapy

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There was a time when I hated the concept of counselling. Now I do it.

There was a time when I felt there was no work to be done. I wasn’t denying my problems; it honestly didn’t occur to me that I had any. And even if I had, back then, I would not have taken kindly to being told what to do. And that’s what I thought counselling was — another man or woman telling me how to be a better man or a better husband. That wasn’t going to fly.

Of course, these days I recognise that counselling isn’t centrally about telling people what to do.

Counselling is about helping people
to see what the counsellor can see.

These days two very diverse extremes I straddle are challenging men to do their stuff and understanding why men don’t want to, or can’t, do their stuff. There are compelling reasons why I find I’m continually challenged to hold these two tensions together. It’s true that men ordinarily struggle to gain access to and express their emotions. And it’s too easy for any of us to imagine they are just being obstinate.

I don’t know, but it just could be that being a man in today’s society is harder than at any other time. I don’t know for certain, but it’s worthy of consideration. One thing I know that does not work in calling men to be honest about their mental and emotional health is to ridicule them.

There is no love in ridicule.
There is no love in being pushy, either.

It is certainly true that women generally work better in therapy than men, and they have certain biological and psychological advantages accorded to them. 70% of the people who follow me on social media are women above the age of 35. Overall, men only represent 24% of those who follow what I write. It’s not because I write for women, it’s just that the material I write is generally better received and more sought after by women.

So many times I’ve asked myself,
how can I better engage with men,
for men are my heart and my calling.

At some point we need to realise that if we want men to engage in therapy we need to make it attractive to them. We need to make it worthwhile.

When I asked my wife what could help in this regard, she replied, ‘Women need to do their own work, pray, and then get out of the/God’s way.’

It is one of the things that I have come to respect about my wife: in wanting the best for me she practices humility in not making matters worse when I’m behaving inappropriately.

She is not the sort of woman that would take abuse. But she doesn’t goad me, either. We are so conditioned in our society to expect men to be rough and tumble that we think it is a bit too much when a man asks to be treated with gentleness. Yes, and I know that narcissistic men will use this as a ploy, and this is why discernment is so necessary. Men who are not given to narcissism do require gentleness and consideration that we could call respect.

This article should not pretend to be a one-stop shop on the topic of engaging men in therapy. Instead, it is part of the discussion, simply realising that men are easily turned off therapy, just like in other matters (like crassness) women are.

If we want men engaged in therapy, we should do what is reasonable to remove the barriers. We should not poke fun at men for being awkward about their emotions. And we should recognise the courage it takes a man, just like it does for a woman, to be open to exploring the pain in their psychological and spiritual being.

Keep moving forward anyway

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There are times like now when I wonder how to respond. When there’s no explanation for what has taken place. I’m left wondering, without answers, not even knowing the right questions to ask. Situations like these are littered throughout life.

At some point we must ask, ‘What is the point?’

What is the point of despair? What is the point of it, Lord? To keep moving hopefully forward anyway. ‘What point is there, son, to stay in the place of powerlessness or pity? I can do more in you as you bear your pain hopefully, choosing to trust I am still, and always, in control,’ says my Lord, ‘Keep moving forward, anyway.’

The pain won’t kill you…
but it will help you to grow…
if you keep moving forward.

What about betrayal? ‘Well,’ says God, ‘You’ve done it too, haven’t you? Do you not all have the capacity to let people down?’ Why, yes, Lord, is the sound of my response. I have certainly betrayed others. You mean they felt like I do now. It never felt nice. ‘So,’ says God, ‘can you just keep moving forward anyway? I’ll forgive your lapses into feeling hurt, as long as you’ll endeavour to come back to the peace you can only get from me.’ God, you’re so good.

Disappointment and rejection, well they’re just the pits. And yet, in this world there will be times we don’t get our way, so many we should expect them to occur. Why are we so shocked? ‘Son, why do you expect everything to work out well in this fallen world? Plan for the best, but expect the worst, and you’ll be ready, come what may,’ says God.

If disappointment can’t knock you off course…
and rejection doesn’t reset your identity…
you will recover, and you will endure.

What about these addictive traits of mine, Lord, will You ever heal them? ‘Oh, my son, as you trust in feeling your pain, in the truth I’ve given you from eternity, you will overcome,’ says God, ‘and continue being honest, for in honesty is healing, and in healing is hope.’

‘Do you get the idea yet, my son?
Keep moving forward,
and you’ll get My work done.’

There is a purpose beyond the pain, a justice beyond the travesty, a love beyond the fear, and we will see all these and more, if we just keep moving forward.

This is all about taking the Lord’s side and remembering that in taking our own side we choose wrong.

It seems counterintuitive to go against ourselves, but to bear the pain of reality whilst we keep moving forward is the greatest wisdom.

Dropping the Double-Mindedness in Grief

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There is a fact about grief, especially grief that comes as a relationship ends, that sends us into double-mindedness. We would say there is no favour in the loss of a loved one, but at least that grief is final. They’re not coming back, shocking as that is.

I recall when my first marriage ended, there was a truth there that I could not yet handle. It was over. It took me nine months of trying everything to change my life, but my former wife was done, and that is the way of grief — she was long over hers, and mine, due to my ignorance, had only just begun.

It took me those nine months, and countless conversations with myriads of people in all kinds of situations and places, as I searched for a way to put the marriage back together, to understand what I could have understood straight away if I weren’t so emotionally invested.

That’s the trouble. We are. Our emotional investment is our all. We’ve given the relationship all we have. Perhaps we haven’t even realised exactly how ‘all in’ we are. Now we know, because the war exists between the logical mind and a heart that cannot let go. The heart pulls the mind in the direction of ‘do not give up here, we can win this!’ — in the vast majority of cases we cannot. The other person is done.

Dropping the double-mindedness of grief is a major challenge. It’s fatiguing and exhausting.

The first thing we must realise is that grief is its very own master. It always takes longer, much longer, than we’re comfortable enduring. We would have it over as soon as possible. But it takes months. And in so many cases it can take a year, or even years, with certain aspects unresolved.

Accepting the double-mindedness, and not getting angry with ourselves, is important. The double-mindedness of flipping-flopping thinking is its own sign of our grief — a mind that wants to let go, but cannot, tussling with a heart that knows it must let go, but cannot.

Double-mindedness in grief is the sign of crisis.
In the land of indecision, grief takes its toll.

It seems counter-intuitive, but the only way to drop double-mindedness is to stop judging it. It’s painful, and it costs us our peace, but it is what it is, and we need to allow ourselves this time.

We would either allow anyone else time to adjust or we would wonder why they keep rehashing things.

It’s the same for ourselves. We try to straddle two incredibly diverse poles and hold them as truths simultaneously. That’s impossible to do, but that’s the task grief gives us.

Accepting that it is over is the hardest thing to do.
Inevitably, however, as we let go of our struggle to let go,
we do ultimately let go.

In the in-between time after the shock of loss has hit but before grief is resolved we’re catapulted between two poles, thrown from one to another — it’s over, no it isn’t, it’s over, no it isn’t.

Men, please understand a woman’s apprehension

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The gender differences that are apparent because of the biological differences between men and women mean that, at least in general terms, women are more inclined to be apprehensive than men are, and particularly with regard to dealing with the opposite sex.

I say in general terms, because it is not something that’s across the board, for there are exceptions, but this article desires to communicate something to men about the women men are in relationships with.

This article may in some ways be hard for some men to read, and I respect that, because not all of us have had positive relationships with the women in our lives.

In my experience, there are men who don’t want to acknowledge the fact that there are certain gender differences that can put women at a disadvantage in conflict situations.

I know that women can abuse men, it’s just that 85% of abuse occurs the other way. And while men can feel demeaned and humiliated, women tend to feel intimidated and fearful, even terrified. This is not to say that men are immune from these feelings. It’s just more likely that a woman will feel petrified.

In general associations with men, women often feel apprehensive, and it’s not because men are untrustworthy, it’s just that it takes a little while for many women to feel comfortable. And that comfort level can only be maintained if the relationship with the male features trustworthiness.

Importantly, it is the woman
who must feel that the man is trustworthy.
A man can never insist
that he be perceived as trustworthy.
If that were the case
he would prove himself untrustworthy.

I can attest, as a husband, how easily the furniture inside my wife’s heart can be trampled. And it’s not even as if I am aware of it some of the time, until I find afterward I have been harsh and foreboding.

It’s a tremendous opportunity for men to partner with themselves in reflection, in understanding how we impact the women in our lives.

We men have the opportunity to not disparage women when they are realistically and sensibly apprehensive. From a man’s viewpoint, women can even appear suspicious of men’s motives.

But we must learn to trust the radar that God has given women in a world that does not deserve the implicit trust a man can foolishly demand simply out of his own interests.

From personal experience I find it takes diligence every day to respectfully care for the women in my life. This is never an area where I find I can relax. The women in my life mean too much to me for me to miss the mark without making adequate reparation.

To my mothers, wife, daughters, ex-wife, sisters-in-law, aunties, nieces, sisters-in-Christ, and to my female co-workers, I salute you and your lady friends for being women.

Chasing the light to cast out the darkness

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Suddenly, as the Spirit turned my head, there it was: The Screwtape Letters.

Just when devils were looming large on my horizon of discouragement. Just in time, like always, is God. Thumbing through this classic of C.S. Lewis’s my hope was honed.

Even as I wrote about my irregular relationship with compassion fatigue, I sensed that renewal and revival was not far away. Even as I woke the following day there was still a cloud over me, yet I knew a resurrection experience was just around the corner, even in the forlornness of my spiritual gait.

Soon I was prepared
to chase the light that would cast out the darkness.
My mind was readied.
My heart was keen.

I was ready to do what only I could do, to chase down at light, and in the very same movement to cast that hideous darkness out.

Even as I pondered that, I sensed something move in my spirit; something entirely beyond optimism; I recognised it, like a good many Christians probably would too, as the uplift of the Spirit’s Presence beneath the wings of my countenance, pulling me higher, through the turbulence, above those dark storm clouds, away from the squall of my spirit’s indifference.

Then I was reminded of the truth that says, that those who know the Son have life (1 John 5:12). In being revived, with the light shed abroad in my heart, with no darkness left apparent, and no more excuses not to move forward, God again removed the scales from my eyes.

His light beamed in.

Suddenly, again, there is vision for other people. He revived that heart that He placed in me, to wish to see and to feel and to think about and to understand the other person. To share their perception, not so much to agree, just to see. To comprehend the passion in their heart. Even the grace to bear with those I could reasonably be impatient with. And even the person I am charged to admonish is held as precious even as I do the admonishing; an admonishment for their building up.

When God has filled us with the light that expunges the darkness there is one sure result:

We positively beam encouragement.

We become kindness, and patience, and self-control around others, and, with grace and compassion we bring others into the light with us, such is the majesty of the Holy Spirit.

What could be wrong with setting our hearts
toward encouraging others? Nothing. Ever.

It doesn’t mean that we cannot challenge people when they need to be goaded. But our frame of interaction is hedged in encouragement.

Like how I recently saw my child’s class teacher rebuke a child for doing the wrong thing, before giving a strong encouragement about ten minutes afterward when they had done the right thing. It was a powerfully redemptive moment within a coaching moment.

We may quickly find that if we are committed to encouraging people, that trust we develop with them means we have a relational currency with which to spend on challenging them, and our encouragement has built a bridge they can cross in being honest with us. They may see us as people who can admonish, and who can receive admonishment.

When we are full of light
we come to understand
that the reality of light is what it is
because we are full of truth
in that moment.

Yes, as light casts out the darkness, truths cast out falsehood, and behaviours of integrity become the holy standard we abide by.

Chasing the light to cast out the darkness is one’s spiritual search that cannot fail, for when we commit to searching we cannot fail to ultimately find.

God uses others in our lives, through our encouragement, to build upon the light He has given us. The more we engage in giving generously to others our encouragement, the more pervasive the light of God indwells us.

The more we see others blessed,
the more we ourselves are blessed,
and the more God’s heart is blessed.

***

In a dark world,
we’re called to be light.
In a world that does not see,
we’re called to be sight.
In a world shackled to death,
we’re called to freedom to live.
In a world where hurts drive hate,
we’re called to passionately forgive.

Relational silence that sabotages or Restores

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As a counsellor and a champion for peacemaking, I find there are two noteworthy kinds of silence that occur within conflict. One is very dynamic, but the other is very destructive.

We have all engaged in both types. But we are not all yet characterised for the application of the dynamic type.

Destructive silence leads to frustration, anger and despair.
Dynamic silence leads to hope, healing and restoration.

The destructive silence is that which occurs when conflict cannot be resolved, and either the conflict is swept under the carpet, or it produces passive aggressiveness in one or both people. This latter form of the destructive silence is particularly problematic, because one or both get involved in manipulating the other, and it is not unusual for a pattern of abuse or toxic relationship to form. The former kind, whilst it is understandable, and incredibly common to the family experience of so many, ensures that poorly negotiated conflict negates the opportunity that well negotiated conflict presents.

If we insist nothing gets resolved, then we insist that at least one person stays frustrated, and that can never be good, and it certainly isn’t demonstrative of love.

One person’s insisted-upon silence,
(their silence of control)
is never an action of love.

Many people do need time
to reflect and recover,
however, they ideally reinitiate
without their partner thinking
they’ve been abandoned.

Some people, indeed some couples, have no frame of reference around dealing with conflict in the safe way. Their families of origin gave them little to work on and were perhaps either violent or denying when conflict around the home got hot.

But if relationships have any hope there must be a commitment to work through conflict — to believe, as we say in PeaceWise, that conflict is an opportunity. But conflict can only be an opportunity if wise and loving minds apply mutual submission by each getting the log out of their own eye. And, as a husband in an egalitarian marriage, counselling marriage partners to apply egalitarian principles, I ask the husband to lead by example. I guess I do this because I acknowledge that, in many cases, wives are already doing it better. (I do concede this is not always the case.)

If the destructive silence turns bitter, one or both engaged in it don’t look like they’re hurt by the conflict, but it can simmer for hours, days, weeks, forever. It is children in the home that particularly notice it.

When nothing gets resolved,
nobody has any peace.

A silence that fails to resolve conflict,
only serves to infuriate all parties.

But I want a focus on the dynamic kind of silence.

The form of relational silence I want to focus on is that cherished moment when one or both cease to argue, where they both sit in the awkward silence and ponder what could be from what is.

It takes one to initiate
what both need: silence.

For those who believe in God, those who believe in the power of the Holy Spirit, there may be faith enough to trust that more said is not necessarily better said. There must come a time when hostilities cease; a time when the spirit of a soul surrenders its strong desire (the desire that has become a demand) for its own way. If one is content to sit in silence oftentimes the other is content, also.

Desires taken too far become demands,
and when demands aren’t met,
the person judges the other person,
and then punishes them.

In these moments, a wise couple or good friends or co-workers or parents with their children, may sense the opportunity to look inward, to enquire why their desires have become demands, and to also become curious about what the other person’s realistic desires are.

The only hope two have
of winning in conflict
is if both win.

If one wins, both lose.
That’s certainly the way
that negotiators see it.

This dynamic variety of silence has the power of God about it. There is a much bigger chance that true resolution and reconciliation can take place from the safer ground of the ceasefire.

There is a time for silence,
but silence should never be weaponised.

**This article does not include situations of abuse. Peacemaking does not apply in situations of abuse.

***Training in Perth for biblical peacemaking, link here.