How to detect the sincere heart in apology

For any who have received apologies that seemed good at the time but then fell flat for some reason—lack of follow-up and behaviours aligned to the apology, for instance—evaluating the sincerity of an apology is key.

Let’s start by acknowledging that judging an apology is okay because that’s essentially the task.  Does it measure up well enough for the wrong to be forgiven, is essentially the question?

Much of the time we can judge an apology on how serious the person is, on their approach to us, and on their unconditional language—no ifs, buts, or maybes.

Sincerity is about a person staying in the heart of their own wrong, without thought of anything or anybody else.  It’s a heart that earnestly seeks to clear their name the only way they can—by being honest and doing “the business” required to recompense the person and situation.  There’s a directness and a willingness to stay in one’s own stuff in sincerity.

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Sometimes people are nervous in their deployment of their apology—many people fawn their sincere apologies and it’s a risk where we misjudge their smile or even a giggle for them not taking the matter with the utmost seriousness.  It’s good to remember that fawning is a trauma response, and that the person doesn’t even know why they do it; they find it annoying and disempowering.  So assessing the sincerity of an apology is complicated by the fawning response, and inevitably we’ll need to look beyond it.

Obviously, the trouble with sensing a lack of sincerity in the apology is we’re probably in a state where we’re more sensitive to it as we’re hurt.  The onus really is on the person apologising, which we can empathise can add a lot of pressure.

One thing to remember is if we do sense there’s even a semblance of sincerity, that the person has some earnestness about them, that heart in itself is a gift—think of all those times when people refused to apologise to us or didn’t care how we felt or refused to accept their responsibility.  A person willing to apologise, to care, to own their wrong is a massive thing.

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Part of all this, also, is preparing our own apologies and ensuring they’re truly sincere.

Sincerity, then, from our own personal viewpoint, needs to be about having the fullest understanding of what was done wrong, how much hurt was caused and importantly WHY, as well as having a desire to be forgiven.  Forgiveness can never be demanded only requested.  Usually if understanding is demonstrated, forgiveness is easier and more natural to give.  It’s like repentance, which is a heart that says, “I understood what I did was wrong, and I won’t do it again.”  Many situations demand a heart that is willing to commit to not repeating the wrong.  Sincerity, therefore, is measured on not repeating the offense.  It’s like restitution—the heart that is prepared to put things right as far as possible.  Above all, a heart that’s prepared to own its wrong is crucial.

Importantly, in peacemaking terms, the heart that owns its wrong isn’t owning ALL that was done wrong, but it’s owning its OWN wrong—all of it.

The heart of sincerity is detected best by a person willing to listen to the heart behind the apology.  The apology may be clumsy, and it might even involve some misshapen language and perhaps some ill-advised words.  It is best people don’t get hung up on little matters that can be picked at and criticised.  It would be more important that the person apologising is convicted enough to learn about what not to do in future.

It’s wisest to hold out for the overall heart of the person because words can rob the moment of its sanctity.

The gift of forgiving someone or of being forgiven is a grace that gives the life of a second chance.  Not a second chance for more abuse, but a second chance to get it right.  It’s the heart in a person who seeks to do right that is good to honour, to encourage, to give grace toward.

NOTE: this is only a 700-word article.  A whole library could be written on the topic of reconciling wrongs in conflict.