From whom do we seek help?

People don’t always need care, but they do always care about what they need. And when people need help, their needs can be aggregated in the combination of three questions. For, people generally only willingly accept help when a few preconditions have been met.

If you’re someone that answers each one of these following questions in the yes, your friendship or relationship is a high priority to someone in need:

Do you understand? There is nothing to offer a person who needs help if we don’t first understand their plight. Those who seek first to understand rather than be understood, per the line in the Saint Francis of Assisi Prayer, are an immediate help, principally through listening — that dynamic art of discerning all of what another person is saying, only some of which is hearing with one’s ears.

There just aren’t enough people in our world that fit this criterion. Too many people in our world are just too absorbed in their own world, not to mention their own problems, to genuinely seek to understand another person. And the paradox prevails, that those who seek first to understand rather than be understand generally have fewer problems, simply because their humility places a higher priority on serving others than being served.

To understand another person is to walk with them as Jesus walks with us. It is a genuine feature of the abundant life that someone can put off themselves and put someone else on. It’s not denying our own needs as much as it’s seeing others’ needs as just as important as our own.

But understanding someone isn’t the be-all-and-end-all as far as help is concerned.

We need to be able to answer someone affirmatively with their second question.

Do you care? The old saying holds; people often don’t care what we know until they know that we care. We may understand, but if we have no empathy, whilst we understand perfectly, we don’t care one iota, as far as they perceive us. (You could argue that not caring is not truly understanding.)

The question, do you care? involves the first step in vulnerability. When someone asks this question they’re saying, I need you to care. That’s not such an easy thing to say. It’s not an easy state of being. But when we need care, we must be able to say we need it. Indeed, people do say it. And they’re hurt when they don’t receive what they need. If someone says it, and they don’t receive the care they need they may stop saying it. And there are so many ways that people ask that we care, and not all these are verbal.

The trust given to the person who understands and cares cannot be underestimated. Even if someone cannot answer the third question affirmatively, the sheer fact that they understand and they care is powerful. They’re already a cogent ally.

A good way to communicate that you understand and you care, is to say, “Wow, that must be hard for you,” or words to that effect, obviously communicated with sincerity according to their perception.

Additional to understanding and caring, the third quality answered in the positive in those who are sought out for help is the question, “Can you help me?”

Not everyone who understands and cares can help. For those who can, an extra premium is placed on the relationship. Sometimes people can help because they’re good problem-solvers. Other times, people are resourceful and can put us in touch with what we need or put us in the right place at the right time. And there are people we go to who can help us directly with the problems we have by the skills, knowledge, experience or expertise that they have. Again, some help purely because they understand and care — when that’s all we need.

There is a saying that “a friend in need is a friend indeed.” A friend’s niche is for times of need. It’s when we find who our true friends are. Always, when we’re in need, we’re destined to be surprised who they are and disappointed who they aren’t.

If you’ve helped someone in need,
anyone at their call,
you’ve been a friend indeed.

~

A good friend will
seek to understand,
show good care, and
help as much as they can.

Acknowledgement to Steve Frost, peacemaking guru, social justice lawyer, and all-round great guy for the idea behind this article.

Photo by J W on Unsplash