Never trust a person who never says sorry

“Stop leaving out the part of the story where you f…ed up!”

I laughed, even if I find four-letter cuss words a little unnecessary. Sometimes, however, such words convey meaning other words cannot. And, as you may know, words fascinate me. This single sentence is compelling for some of the relationships we’ve endured — and some that have eroded us.

People who cannot bring themselves to look at what they did wrong are toxic for everyone they come into close contact with. And by close contact, I mean close enough that conflict is inevitable.

All close relationships bear the characteristic of conflict.

Every single close relationship bears the quality of conflict. No relationship can mature without it. The prime ingredient in marriages and friendships and working relationships is conflict. Misunderstandings are inevitable. Miscommunication occurs eventually. Those we know well will ultimately madden us. And we will ultimately madden them.

If two can tango toward mutual understanding, they will dance a breathtaking performance. Each will compensate for the flaws of the other, never leaving one to always compensate for the other. Neither will claim the perfect performance alone. Both hold their hands together and aloft at the end of the routine.

The mature relationship will bear conflict well,
working it through in humility to resolution,
committed beyond divisive issues,
for the wealth of the relationship.

It is our capacity to handle conflict and our ability to own our contribution that sets us apart as safe people; who are trustworthy to relate with.

We would never introduce a loved one to someone who cannot bear to be wrong. That would set our loved one up for the despair of an unworkable situation. That is not how you love someone! But I suspect we haven’t always truly known the people with whom we’ve introduced our loved ones to, have we? We want our loved ones to be respected and loved, just as we would wish they would treat people that same way. Period.

What kind of person never says sorry?

There is no such thing as a Christian, for instance, who never says sorry. Hear me out.

Christians, by virtue of their decision to follow Jesus, admit they’re sinners, so there is one thing we can know about them: they know they have done wrong, and they know they will keep doing wrong. Yet, they’re thankful that their wrong no longer separates them from God.

Christians of all people will, by admission of their sinful nature, be self-motivated to reflect on what they did wrong; if they are following Jesus, they endeavour to get the lot out of their own eye before they attempt to get the speck out of another person’s eye.

The kind of person who never says sorry
is not a Christian, but a narcissist.
The narcissist is also the master
of engineering apologies from others.

Many Christians need to face this truth. They will look God in the eye one day. And on a day that will not be able to deny the truth that their own soul bears!

Heaven forbid, that any of us would cry out, “Lord, Lord! — did I not do all kinds of service in your name?” where Jesus might answer, “Get away from me, you who didn’t respect my commands… one final command I gave you — love one another…”

Real Christians bear the fruit of repentance
— at conversion and ongoingly.

It is impossible to have a relationship of any proximity with a person who never says sorry. If there is any conflict, and you are the only person who is ever wrong, you are in a toxic situation; it will erode you until you can bear it no more. And such an erosion of self takes place in anyone who is continually embattled by relational injustice.

If ever you find yourself in the situation where you are in conflict with someone who never says sorry, you can know that you’re in an abusive relationship. How much worse is it when the conflict you are in is in no way caused by yourself? — where the sin is all theirs, but the apology is all yours!

Spiritually healthy people bear conflict well when others desire resolution. Commitment to the relationship extends beyond the issues to the health of the relationship itself. To this end, every person is tested by their capacity for apology.