What we never expect is sometimes what we get

“Just stay where you are mate! I’ll come and get you when I need you!” the vehicle examiner barked. I didn’t know whether he was always like this or not, and, because I was only dealing with him for a short time, I just let it pass with a smile. But I kind of knew who I was dealing with.

I wondered what kind of son, father, husband, sibling and friend he was, if he treated strangers like he did me. I did ask him what how his day was going. He just grunted and said, “It’s crazy around here.” I’ll say.

Now, what about the people we’re in ongoing, close relationship with?

There is something we need to know
about people straight away,
but we’ve got a big problem.

Many of the most important relationships we’ll ever form — those we will spend considerable time with — those with whom we will invest all of ourselves — start without us truly knowing them at all. It will take some time before we truly know who we are dealing with. On the other side of things, on the side of regret, we may recognise the red flags; those things we didn’t take too much notice of, but are now big issues.

Whether it is a romantic coupling, the finding of a life partner, or a family relationship that lingers because we are blood kin, or it is a work or church relationship, there really is no difference.

Until conflict emerges, we don’t know
who we are dealing with.

If it is a family relationship, perhaps it is a narcissistic brother or sister, or mother or father, or perhaps the narcissism runs deep in the DNA of the family. Either way, there are family roles, and assuming you’re the victim or survivor of toxic family dynamics, you will find that associated with the concept of family is pain. You know the nuances of narcissism all too well. As they say, you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.

If it is a romantic relationship, where you’re both choosing your life partner, be especially wary, because romance blinds us to the realities that either others may see, or we will just overlook because we are swept away with how we feel. “Charm is deceitful” when charity cannot be maintained in, or very soon after, marital conflict. It takes some time for the shine of idealism to wear off. The more you can anticipate these mushy feelings as false, the less of a crashing thud you’ll experience when the relationship lands. Because, all romances land! Reality can be a very harsh revelation.

If it is a work relationship, and you will probably be on probation initially (usually three-months), make sure part of you also sees that they too, your employer I mean, are on some kind of probation. I mean, within your mind. That you’re watchful for how other employees are treated, for the excuses and the ethical and moral lapses your employer engages in. How do people talk about the employer, and how does the employer talk about others? Be objective. Don’t be swept away by how nice they’re being to you. Far too much employment abuse occurs. We need to be faithful employees, but the last thing any of us needs is to work quarter of our whole life in a toxic environment. Decent employers will continue being reasonable and respectful in return for your reasonability and respectfulness. The best employee-employer relationships are like any other great relationship; there is giving from both sides, without us, as employees in this case, feeling entitled to receive.

If it is a church relationship, and abuse in these relationships is most astonishing to us because we naïvely believe we are dealing with safe and loving people, we can check our glowing perceptions of them. Until there’s been some conflict for us to negotiate, we don’t really know who they are. The added dimension for church relationships is the matter of spiritual abuse — when one party claims that “God is on my side” or “I’m biblically right… and biblically, you’re wrong.” Anyone pulling these tricks is playing upon an evil.

~

Here is a little clue on the way, however. If we watch their lives and try and gain some perspective of the role conflict plays, we might see who the new person we’re relating with is like when the chips are down. Anyone who deals with conflict in as balanced a way as possible, who respects those opposed to themselves, is, by that measure of observation, a safe person. But, also be careful — some of the most manipulative people are masters of creating such an impression.

We need to be particularly wary
if we are sensitive, empathetic types.

We must see this character strength (sensitivity and empathy) that we bear as literally a magnet for those with the opposite tendency: narcissism. Those who have suffered abuse often feel they have a sign on the forehead but says, “Come and abuse me.” It is perhaps more a case of us being sensitive to the charm of a person with narcissistic personality, as well as them consciously or unconsciously seeking out a sensitive person with whom to play out their tricks.

~

When entering any new relationship — family, life-partner, work or church — be wary. Not that you don’t trust them, you just don’t know them yet. It may take a full year, sometimes longer. Not until you’ve experienced conflict together will you know, and they know of you, what you’re both really like.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash