Those behaving narcissistically self-select

Here it is in the first line: call someone narcissistic. If they’re upset, yell, kick and scream, sob pathetically, and more so, refuse to look at their behaviour that bears narcissistic qualities, i.e. they are behaving narcissistically, then they’re behaving narcissistically. (The repetition is intentional.)

I am deliberately avoiding the term “narcissist” for the purposes of this exercise.

Narcissistic behaviour is
entitled in exploitative ways
revealing zero empathy.

But the darkest narcissistic behaviour
feigns empathy majestically,
exploits covertly,
even as it appears to care greatly,
and is founded and grounded in entitlement.

Now, if someone is mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy, this can be checked; we see it in their behaviour. They are perfectly willing and able to go within.

What do I mean by going within? Not to those safe and warm places where the tentacles of feeling are soothed, where all manner of drugs will stimulate; not where gooey poetry streams forth in fleetingly joyous overtures (interspersed by fits of rage). No, by going within, I mean going into the pain, to bear the presence of ugly realities, to be true to trauma experienced, to bear one’s shame and guilt and fear.

By the particular context we’re in, this means going within to genuinely and humbly explore and actually investigate for the presence of narcissistic behaviours that might reveal narcissistic attitudes that might be a beacon for narcissistic character traits.

To go within is to go on a quest for healing, admitting and accepting that healing is needed. That, in and of itself, is antithetical to narcissistic character. To be able to admit and accept the need for help.

That takes humility, courage and honesty. Not everyone can go there, and certainly not the person presenting narcissistically. And if they go there, can they stay there?

The person behaving narcissistically cannot go there and stay there. Well, it’s a toss-up whether they cannot or will not. The money’s an each-way bet. They cannot see it, nor are they prepared to.

Now a person who is behaving narcissistically may or may not be characterised as narcissistic. It all depends on their response. If a person who is called narcissistic takes it on the chin (they’re allowed to be disappointed and hurt), and they resolve in humility to take an honest look, to do what the AAs call a rigorous moral inventory, honest enough to find some things to work on, then they de-select themselves from the narcissistic cohort.

Importantly, however, they need to be characterised by having the ROUTINE ability to go within—they can and do go there routinely—and honestly self-assess their behaviour, especially as it impacts on others. And then they don’t leave it at self-assessment; they seek honest feedback from others. They feel sorrow for hurting others to the degree that they change their behaviour. It’s no good if they see the hurt they cause, yet cannot and do not change. The hurt is simply repeated. No, they seek to make restitution and they ensure they make amends.

Do you see a fascinating paradox emerge?

There are times when we can appear to behave somewhat narcissistically; but there needs to be a check on the three E’s: Entitlement, empathy and exploitation. A certain entitlement in abusive spaces is to be expected. Entitlement to be respected and understood, for instance, in environments where there is scant, fleeting or conditional respect, and no desire from the other party to understand.

But the tell-tales of true narcissistic behaviour are the capacity to exploit situations and people, caused from a lack of empathy—an intrinsic lack of care and concern that translates into impact upon people, especially loved ones, which further translates in them being a bringer of pain.

So, the characteristic of looking entitled, in and of itself, isn’t enough to pinpoint what would be considered narcissistic behaviour. Again, there are a range of motives for why someone would act entitled, including, as a response to abuse.

Only the one who sees themselves honestly, their real flaws, can refute the tag “narcissist”. Only the one who cannot bear the exploitation of others; who cannot help but be empathetic; who can see when they’re acting entitled.

Those who behave narcissistically self-select the label “narcissist” by behaving narcissistically. It’s the behaviour itself that speaks for itself.

We can and should trust what we can observe.

Photo by Jeroen Bosch on Unsplash