My fiancée sat there silently with our psychotherapist. She had been in tears. Utterly unable to comprehend the situation. I’d left for the bathroom. I cannot recall the incident itself. But while I was away, a poignant sentence was spoken.
It was possibly one of those moments, as a counsellor now myself, where you’re quietly praying madly for something truthful yet hopeful—a nugget of wisdom—to say, when an awkward and despairing silence continues to prevail.
(Not that awkward silences are bad in counselling. They can be very worthwhile, even game changing.)
Lingering long into the slowing of the seconds, but before I returned from the bathroom, our therapist broke the silence with a quiet whisper through characteristically steely caring eyes and a hopeful smile: “He does have potential...”
I imagine that moment was one for the ages. Neither my now wife nor I, nor our therapist, would possibly have imagined back then just how important that sentence would become to us.
Somehow there was hope even amid a pre-marital impasse, in a moment laden in despair.
When my wife calls me “a husband with potential,” even as I’ve often coined the term, it has come to mean so much as far as hope is concerned within our marriage.
Where potential frustrates & is never fulfilled
Indeed, the concept presented in the previous sentence also holds open a key to understanding narcissism—those who have potential from those who do not, if only we could draw a line of differentiation between them, as we in being human tend to do in categorising people.
The assumption or evidence at that time was that I, in the midst of disagreement and conflict, still had the capacity to learn and for change. Teachability. Our therapist was reminding my then-fiancée that all was not lost, and that she had the option to believe I could change. And I needed to.
As it happened, on that issue, I did change. It took some time, but change did occur.
Most people have the capacity for change. In the context of relationships, I mean. We’re not talking change that has no impact on anyone.
And this is the difference, when all is said and done, between a narcissist and someone who’s not. Someone who can learn, a person who can change, is someone we can say isn’t narcissistic.
The one characteristic of narcissism in the Bible
The narcissist is conspicuous in scripture.
He is Pharaoh, the one whose heart was hardened by the Lord (Exodus 4-14), like those also at Meribah at Massah (Psalm 95). He is the grass-eating Nebuchadnezzar (Daniel 4:33). She is Jezebel who cursed Elijah (1 Kings 18-19). He is the legalistic Pharisee who, whilst jotting the “i’s” lacked all compassion. She is Herodius who orchestrated the beheading of John the Baptist (Mark 6).
A key characteristic of someone who is narcissistic is their hard-heartedness. They can’t change because they won’t change. They’re strong-willed and won’t be convinced otherwise.
Anywhere the Bible shows us a person who remains stiff-necked and is therefore unwilling or unable to change—who cannot or will not learn—who has set their face like flint against the purposes of God.
This is why the narcissist cannot or will not apologise sincerely. They cannot be wrong if they cannot change. They cannot be wrong if they cannot learn. They cannot learn if they’re already right (in their own eyes). If they’re right (in their own eyes) why would they apologise?
They are locked in to being right. And the key check on this is whether they’re truly admitting they’re wrong, because many a narcissist will happily be SEEN as wrong IF they will earn something better for it; if manipulation will deliver the bigger bang for their buck!
In these situations, they still do not see themselves as wrong, but if it will help their image—that people may see them as humble or courageous or admirable, for instance—they will endure it.
But the key test is an apology that requires vulnerability AND change. They won’t go that way because they can’t go that way. It is too exposing, even for the potential image win. They would give up too much control.
Potential is such a key flag, as is the type of Change required
Getting back to that word “potential,” we can see that in truth there’s a conundrum in the narcissist.
Because we all have the potential to change, the people in the narcissist’s life live in the false expectation that it can happen, and yet they never see any fruit.
They may see attempts made, but none of these stick for very long, because the narcissist doesn’t deeper down see the need for change. And many narcissists never make any reasonable effort to change.
Now, nearly all of us have struggled to change. It doesn’t mean we’re necessarily narcissists. I think I would have tried giving up smoking hundreds of times, and only succeeded a few times—the final time, 17 years ago. Or diets. I’ve tried and failed many more diets than times I sincerely tried to give up smoking.
The difference is at least twofold. The type of change, in terms of relating with people, and the level of contrition shown.
Narcissists don’t change on those changes that damage others. And they are never remorseful, for instance, for failing to respect boundaries, even if they may appear fleetingly to feel sorry for the purposes of manipulation.
The clearest indicator that narcissism is real in a person is they won’t learn and can’t change.
They won’t learn and can’t change because they see no need to. It’s others who must learn and change, never them.
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