I’ve heard so many stories from wives who have come to the point of being fed up with their husband, and in desperation they asked him to leave to go and work on himself. The issues that lead to such an impasse are as many as they are varied, and of course, there are symptoms and there are causes.
Symptoms inevitably relate to issues like mental health problems that produce abuse or addictions or of not contributing or of being the source of endless conflict, and infidelity in many instances, and this isn’t an exhaustive list, and the issues usually manifest in combination. The causes are a lack of taking responsibility for one’s own life, including not having the capacity to deal with one’s inner pain and failing to recognise the role of privilege. For the wife, taking the decision to separate is a circuit breaker, and what it really says is, get your life sorted out, and if you can, then we might talk — BUT not beforehand!
I do, of course, know this situation more intimately than I would ever have preferred or expected. I have lived it. I have experienced firsthand the implosion that occurs as a husband being asked to leave, to lose one’s home, wife, unlimited access to the children, the house — just about everything of that life. That happened to me on September 22, 2003. 8pm that evening was dividing line between a life that was and a life that was to come and spliced into it was an in-between time of both pain and growth. In so many ways, my old life ended at that point, and a new life beckoned, but a process of the most excruciating grief had to take place in the in-between. But it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was given the choice to take responsibility and I took it.
It is difficult to put into words the grief that the wife goes through in making a decision like this. She’s put up with far too much garbage. The husband is way behind. He is only learning now what he should’ve already seen. It is obvious from hindsight. If only he can see beyond his felt level of injustice, he might well be able to grapple with taking responsibility — indeed, no matter whose fault it is, taking responsibility for him is the only way forward. Taking responsibility is his only chance, and I’m not talking reconciliation — for that’s a fanciful presumption when he’s left it too late, but it’s his only chance for life.
What do I mean by life? I mean hope, peace, joy, the capability to love, and a whole lot more fruit of the Spirit, like the capacity to be patient and kind and gentle and faithful and self-controlled. By life, I mean both the will and the ability to resist being obstinate, and to genuinely engage with the issues that you as a husband — and as a human being charged with the care of others — are responsible for. This requires humility and courage, underpinned by honesty. It’s the acknowledgement that you got it wrong; that you have failed to care according to the covenant nature of your relationship. There’s no shame in admitting failure. There’s only shame in not owning up to what’s yours.
Only when we can look our failures in the face can we improve. Only as you are set on your backside, recognising finally that it has now come to this, are you truly motivated to take the responsibility you should’ve always taken. Take it now, before it’s too late, is what I’m saying.
For the husband who is reading this, for the one who has perhaps taken their wife and family for granted, who has been sitting on their hands for a while, now is the time to recognise what you’ve got. It is so regrettable that we don’t know what we’ve got until it’s gone. Too many husbands I know of, and I include myself in this analysis, have no idea how close their wives may be to saying, “Too late, buddy, I’ve had enough.” Experience tells me that most wives, though they’ve been immensely dissatisfied for years, don’t know that this moment is arriving until the moment it does. And when it has, it’s there and it can no longer be denied. The only defence husbands have is to work on their marriages now, while they have time.
Now is the time to be diligent and thankful, grateful for what you have, willing to go the extra mile, which for you is an extra mile, but for her it’s probably just meeting minimum standard. Her standards aren’t lofty, though you may think they are. You only have to look at what she contributes to the household, and it is consistently higher than what you are willing to contribute.
Husbands, don’t leave it too late. Deal with your addiction. Admit your narcissism. See where your contribution has been lacking. Comprehend the impact of your behaviour on those you love. Now is the time for life, if you are strong enough to admit the truth. Draw on your support. Man up in the only way it applies — be humble enough to apologise. Only the guy who looks genuinely and humbly has the right then to say, “I’ve got no issues,” if there are no issues.
It’s not just the husbands who have marriage problems that need to read this. It’s all husbands. Husbands anywhere who are not only chilling out now, but those who in future times will be tempted to check out. I implore you, as other men might also; don’t leave it too late. Only good can come from humble reflection. The irony is, those who do look deeply within don’t usually have the issues. Those who refuse to look won’t see what their lives would plainly tell them if only they looked.
As much as it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with your wife and children. Do them no harm and take responsibility. Only you can do what they need you to do.
Fortunately, I’ve known many men, including several good friends and some dear family, who heeded the warnings to sharpen their game before time. Almost without fail these men are incredibly thankful that they saw the warning signs, that they didn’t wait until it was too late. Don’t follow my example of marital failure. Be like these men.
Photo by jurien huggins on Unsplash
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