Under the control of, ‘I know what you need... just trust me!’

A most problematic abuse of power is anyone assuming they know what is best for the other person — particularly someone who assumes leadership in/over someone’s life.  This is most noticeable when, by hook or by crook, they insist on having their way; and the person is therefore beholden to take advice and to implement what is being demanded of them.

If someone demands you do something, and they have no legal or moral authority to do so, and their demand isn’t for some legal or moral reason, some pushback is certainly within your grasp and opportunity to do, and it is wise to do so — though it does involve courage and risk in terms of facing off with someone who is possibly very forceful.

In all reality, there are few situations where anyone could truly know what you need.  Only God will truly know what you need, though there are people we trust who have also our best interests in mind.  Remember trust is earned.  Nobody can force you to trust them.

Sometimes we can be tempted to go with advice we’re given because we, ourselves, are unsure how to do something, or why, or what to do.  Just because you’re uncertain is no reason to be bullied into taking a course of action that you’ll ultimately be responsible for; that’s like driving a vehicle with your eyes closed.

When people are uncompromising with you — where they demand something of you through coercion or manipulation or blackmail — a slippery slope of threat is being encountered.  You agree to submit at your peril, but you also face a clear and present danger in resisting them.  From both situations, escape is difficult, but at least if you take courage to resist, you forecast your truth even if it’s scarier.  To not forecast your truth leaves you liable for, “How come you trusted me and now you don’t?”  It leaves you wide open for any number of accusations — “You’re untrustworthy,” “You don’t know what you want or what’s good for you,” etc.

If you face a tyranny where it’s an authority misusing their power — where you may be unsure if you’re being seditious of not — it’s best to get some wiser, impartial others around you in an attempt to understand the intricacies of the situation, to unravel right from wrong, as a means of finding a way forward to safety.  Nobody ought to make matters worse by ignoring a legal or moral requirement, but just the same, nobody should be forced to kowtow to belligerent control.

None of this is about not taking good advice.  But good advice is inherently positioned as a choice. When people give us the choice to do something wise or not, it’s up to us.  There is a nuance to this that needs to be understood though: if someone gives us a choice where one choice carries with it a threat, there is still a veiled demand there; (unless, by clear example, of breaking the law or moral code).  The best advice we can receive is, “This is what I think, and it is up to you whether you listen to it or not; whether you listen or not won’t affect our relationship, but now that you know I won’t feel responsible for not telling you.  It’s up to you.  And I won’t even say, ‘I told you so’.”

What I’m forecasting here is the nature of some relationships that are wholly contingent on doing something.  “Do this or I won’t be your friend any more...”  The exception to this, however, is, “If you don’t do this [thing to keep me safe] I will leave you.”  So, it’s not my intent here to make it easy for an abuser to gaslight someone by saying, “You can’t ‘threaten’ me like that,” when they’re not really being threatened, but they’re being appropriately warned.  Everyone has the right to be treated with respect, to be listened to, to seek to be understood.

It is a red flag for anyone to presume to know what you need without taking your thoughts into account, without listening to you, by rejecting your own thoughts about your own life.  And this is where you enter gaslighting territory; when the person continues the attack to the point where you feel you must justify your position about your own life — especially watch for them going in for the kill if you show one sign of buckling to their ‘reason’.

Love, on the other hand, seeks to convey truth, always recognising each life is its own life.  Love also recognises that it fails to love whenever it demands control.