When a gaslighting narcissist attempts to dupe the therapist

Not many therapists will admit they’ve been tried on, but it’s all part of the territory I’m afraid. Narcissists come in so many different shapes and sizes, from the outright convincing types to the humorous, charming types to the belligerent types to the wearing down, false-repentance types.

It’s not always easy for counsellors, pastors and therapists to detect what’s ‘going on in the room’ even if their psychopathy antenna is fully extended in discernment.  Sometimes it takes a few sessions to add up the all the stimuli of manipulation because of the subtleties involved, especially as the narcissist is adept to groom the one they weaponise — yes, the professional who ought to see it coming — against the partner they’re actively though perhaps are covertly abusing.

Many counsellors, pastors and therapists assume the best of both parties, especially as they’re there to advocate for both, even to the extent of calling both into the realm of challenge and growth.  The only problem is, in the dynamics of psychopathy in one, there will always be the wearing of blame, incompetence, failure, etc, in only one; the other getting away scot-free two minutes to midnight.  It is amazing how late the phoenix rises from the ashes at times, especially when the therapist thinks they’ve had it all under control until just before the session closes.

This is a warning for anyone who’s eventually had their partner submit to the process of ‘getting help’ only to find it backfire on them.  The other scenario of course is when the gaslighter insists they’re the ones being constantly maligned, and despite every effort made under the sun, the one who is abused psychologically in so many ways is under the tyranny of not only the partner, but the therapist who’s being duped.

One thing I’ve come to appreciate is that therapy completely doesn’t work with some people.  They will never submit for the betterment of their relationship.  It must always go their way, even if they make ‘elegant’ concessions that look like they’re fully invested.  It’s like the half-dozen or dozen sessions and there isn’t a skerrick of a shift.  It’s a waste of time because it’s a deeply conflicted relationship — both blame the other — or one is genuine and doing too much and the other is skating along, seemingly doing their work but ultimately there is no fruit of change; zero repentance.  This is such a tragedy for the other person who is fully invested.

Counsellors, pastors and therapists need to be wary of:

§     falling for compliments, politeness, and even reverence that are based in jelly flattery – being worked over is a very common ploy, and the confirmation of this is achieved in the the pushback of, “I see you,” which meets with the response of, “Gee, I was only being polite!”

§     demonstrative performances of dismay, disgust, non-acceptance of process, and anything that reeks of pride OR excessively expressed sorrow that doesn’t remain – whilst everyone is allowed to overreact occasionally, patterns of behaviour are indicative, and observations should be trusted

§     use of the Bible and theological principles to ‘school’ the pastor or counsellor about how bad the partner is (“Look how bad she is”) OR the use of the same principles to hide within self-righteousness (“Look how good I am”) OR to feign a wrong and practice/demonstrate a fake repentance in order to ‘lead’ the pastor or counsellor toward coming down hard on the other person to repent in response – therapist: “Look how sorry they are; why are you not forgiving them?” – so much spiritual abuse is possible in a so-called therapeutic session

§     compliance in one by silence – the less they say, the less they incriminate themselves – in other words, the therapist may unfortunately impute good behaviour (and worse, good motives) in the one who silently hides within their silence

§     compliance in one by silence where the therapist does the opposite – “Oh, I see, they’re not saying much because they’re not trying/full of resentment (etc)!” – then we have the possibility of abuse occurring if the therapist or counsellor or pastor senses an affront to their role, and hence, because of indignant pride or fear, they endeavour to take control (therapists, counsellors and pastors must be beyond personal affront or offence)

§     out and in the clear gaslighting takes place and the counsellor, pastor or therapist fails to see how their own reality caves in OR they fail to detect the presence of the act of gaslighting right there in the room!  Again, this can be so subtle it’s occurred to the counsellor at 2 AM the next morning when they wake up in a cold sweat and know they’ve been had – and it is ever more tragic when the non-abusing partner knows what’s being done in the room and the professional is clueless!

I could go on, but for the purposes of brevity I want to herald the warning that these are very real and common dynamics that all counsellors, pastors and therapists encounter frequently.  It has to be called.  If it is called and the person who’s trying the manipulations on recognises it and responds by getting onto the agenda of the shared goal, all well and good, but very often they don’t.  If they appear to be repeat offenders, where it’s discerned right there in the room, the process should be paused — and a moratorium implemented.

Quite frankly, narcissistic gaslighters will either attempt to control the dynamic or they will.  Most often they succeed, because they expect to succeed and by their character, they’re relentless.  There are no winners.

Photo by Aman Shrestha on Unsplash