How narcissists use manipulation to exploit misunderstanding

One of the malevolent forms of manipulation is the intentional use of misunderstanding, so that the person being abused is told they are: 

·               this ‘kind’ of person when they aren’t; 

·               not that ‘kind’ of person when they are; 

·               not experiencing something they are; 

·               experiencing something they’re not;

In sum, the person abused is gaslit to the maximum of being misunderstood.  Often, they’re gobsmacked, and at a complete loss to respond.

At times there’s a reaction, but much of the time it’s delayed, even as it triggers the victim sending them reeling for days afterwards.

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The goal of human connection is mutual understanding and empathy.  It’s in achieving mutual understanding and the giving and receiving of each other’s empathy that intimacy is founded.

Narcissists, the cleverest of them, however, subvert this human need and exploit it through the craftiest of manipulation that gaslights the target to their face.  They load up the shot with a straight face and deliver the charge knowing full well there will be a reaction — sooner or later, and sometimes the later the better.  And the person receiving what SEEMS to be at least half true is simply undone by the self-assured appearance of the delivery of the manipulation.  It’s a wily masterstroke that has deft stealing, killing, destroying effect each time.

In knowing they’ll cause their target to overreact and knowing that causing them to overreact is a win, they are super cool and appear to then be the victim when the true victim reacts.  But remember what they used — a LIE — to exploit the vulnerability of their victim.

Now, if a person overreacts because they’ve gently been told a truth for their and others’ benefit, and they’re cared for in the moment of overreacting and afterwards — and the person themselves FEELS cared for — there’s an example of investing for human connection.

There’s no harm in someone reacting out of hurt if the interaction can be calmed — if both people have a heart for reconciling the moment.  Abuser’s don’t, plain and simple — their heart is bent on exploitation. 

Abuse always seeks to disconnect.  The manipulation of understanding is a key technique in the narcissist’s armoury, because deep down they need to expose flaws in others that exist so centrally in themselves.

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There’s nothing sinful in reacting to being misunderstood.  If a caring person who’s interacting with you sees you feel misunderstood, they endeavour to further clarify what they’re saying and try to understand what they’re missing.

If a narcissist feels misunderstood — and remember, that’s their characterisation especially if they’re a vulnerable narcissist — they cannot be reconciled with.

Anyone who genuinely seeks mutual peace isn’t a narcissist.

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Relationships that are treasured feature a mutual desire to make peace, and relief’s experienced when mutual understanding grows, and trust deepens, and respect is felt jointly.

But a narcissist will never work toward such goals, because intimacy requires vulnerability, and there’s a vacuum in the narcissist in that regard.  They cannot tap into their vulnerability, but instead exploit others’ vulnerability.

Narcissists love to sow discord and a great low-risk way for them to do that is to position their victim in a place where their victim’s reaction draws the negative attention of others and shame from within themselves.

Quite an irony then that the narcissist has the most impressive inventory of shame.  Their stock in trade is to create shame in others.  This is how you know the narcissist: they want you shamed and far from peace, because that’s where they sit.

Photo by Hannah Xu on Unsplash