When there’s merit in couples counselling and when there isn’t

Thankfully, it seems, more therapists and pastors are becoming wary when it comes to couples counselling.  It definitely has merits for couples who have the same goals, and equivalent willingness and power in the relationship, but there can be red flag issues, and they’re not always obvious at their first presentation.

Often times there’s more initial merit in doing the deeper work at a personal level.  That’s actually one red flag — when partners are not prepared to do their own inner work with a counsellor.

A victim of abuse will generally be keen to do such work, for obvious reasons of personal support, but their abusive partner will be far less willing for a counsellor to get access to themselves or their partner.

Sometimes it’s imperative to meet with one partner early on to establish (without asking directly) whether there is either a safety issue or an issue of aggression.

For some, the inner work is about working on why they’re actively or passively aggressive, and for others the inner work is on boundaries and responses of assertiveness and safe resistance.

All persons who present with conflicted relationships can do with inner work in terms of trauma — because unmet, unacknowledged, unprocessed trauma can create dynamics of both aggression and submission, usually one in one, and the other in the other.

All this in terms of couples counselling blurs into oblivion when there’s abuse.

I can’t counsel someone to be more assertive when I know they’re entering a situation where their partner will use that ramp up their aggression.  It only makes relationship situations more dangerous.

It’s better for me to equip them with tools to see potential abuse situations — and, when you’re talking about the less obvious abuse dynamics, these are always subtle nuances.  If a person can see what their relationship is really like — and it’s THEIR eyes that are important — they’re in a better position to decide what’s next.

Equally, I won’t counsel someone to be less aggressive when I feel they’re only going to work me over and manipulate my perception.  That can often be the goal of aggressors — to have their way by justifying how ‘reasonable’ they are; to be seen as the ‘good guy’ (gender inclusive).

The thing to note is there’s always a high conditionality about their cooperation in the counselling process.  They cannot and do not give ALL of themselves to it.  They will show this by their wanting to steer and manage the process.  Counsellors can often feel this coming from a mile off.

There’s a big difference between someone who is making mistakes and wants to correct them and someone who feels entitled to do as they please.

It’s not hard to tell one from the other.

The test is in the genuineness of a person to STAY in their own work.  It’s demonstrated by constantly wanting to understand and work on their own stuff.  It’s a dream when both partners genuinely are doing this.

But apart from a partner waving the flag of desperation, I’ve seen some people be so intent on proving they’ve done great staying in their own work only to throw their partner under a bus.  It’s an obvious and a visible abuse done right there in the counselling room!

The key test is no self-justification, no coercion, no trying to manipulate things.

If a person feels unsafe in their relationship, they’d be better to see a counsellor on their own, in secret if necessary.  There’s no betrayal in doing this.

So often the one who’s being abused is not only protecting themselves but others too.  But for their own life’s sake, a person’s safety is more important than a relationship’s status.

Photo by Bruno Aguirre on Unsplash