There are TWO in this relationship

We have all been in relationships that went one way—their way.  Yet, whether relationships thrive, survive, or die, there are two—there are always two.

Relationships cannot be a one-way street 
where one person always has priority.

Relationships are the opposite of the system enshrined in criminal law, which is “innocent until proven guilty.”  Relationships always work on the premise that others are guilty until they are proven innocent.  This is shown by the fact that we must ordinarily EARN the respect of another to be respected.

We must always win their respect 
before we are trusted, 
and there are good reasons for this.

We err and set up boundaries for those who have not proven their trustworthiness or who have a record of untrustworthiness.

It only stands to reason that, being creatures of choice and free will, we would set up our lives to ensure they can succeed.  An inherent part of this success is our personal psychological safety and that of those we care about.  Wherever we cannot guarantee that psychological safety, we create systems and barriers like boundaries to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe.  Everyone does it.  

We cannot get upset if we feel closed out.
If someone does not trust us, 
they have their reasons.

Part of being capable for relationship is 
being able to respect and accept boundaries.

This requires the psychological ability to be ADULT.
Not all adults have the psychological ability to be ADULT.

The psychological ability of an ADULT 
is the capacity to be these five things: 
LOGICAL
REASONABLE
RATIONAL
RELIABLE
REALISTIC

Wherever we cannot accept or respect another person’s boundaries we stand to be further sanctioned.  It’s not that the sanctioner is bad.  They are just protecting their lot, and that’s their role.  Again, everyone who demands their psychological safety does it.

To be in a relationship—any relationship—and not respect boundaries is relational treason.  People who cannot respect boundaries are betrayers of what is good and decent.

When people transgress boundaries at will, they say to the other person, “Look, take note, I cannot and will not respect your boundaries, so live with it!”  Any reasonable and good thinking person will create distance between themselves and someone like this.

What is maddening about this phenomenon is those who insist that people bend to their whims at all times also will NOT receive any feedback and don’t have any capacity to change.

Only those who can understand and accept when a person does not feel psychologically safe proves they are capable of holding a trusting and mutual-satisfying relationship.

It’s like we must scream it from 
the rooftops for it to be heard: 

There are TWO in this relationship, 
so why is everything going one way?

And yet, as I said, it’s only those who are capable of relating who can hear this.

If you are a person who has had people push you away, give yourself some introspection time.  Could it be?  This could be your time to see the truth and repent.

My motive in writing this is to equip people to relate better, more safely, and in ways that respects the space they are entering.  I’m prepared to risk upsetting you if it will mean you might move into a space where you are psychologically safer for others.

The irony in all this is those who are psychologically safe for relationships already reflect and see their wrongs and they are avid in correcting those wrongs.  But people like this cannot do ALL the work in the relationship—they can only do their own work, and the shortfall cannot be left as theirs.

I’m at a place in my life where I simply won’t relate, or waste my time, with those who have an agenda where there’s room only for their exploitation of me and the situations we share.  Entitlement is the square peg in the round hole of relationships.  Empathy must run two ways if the relationship is to be sustained longer term.

The role of responsibility in love relationships

This article has been brewing for a little while.  It is birthed out of an article I wrote last year titled, Unequal Yoking of Love in Relationships.  The essence of what I’m discussing here is marriage relationships only survive, and deliver the happiness they promise, when both partners follow marriage as a lifelong calling to be responsible persons.

Four features of responsible persons in marriage relationships are:

HONESTY – a responsible person takes responsibility for their own emotions and behaviour, for their thoughts and how those thoughts turn into words and deeds.  Acknowledging they are imperfect, the responsible person apologises promptly and sincerely when they get it wrong, and they engage in the work of change when bad patterns arise.  Of all characteristics, honesty is set apart as the superpower of capability in the field of relationships.

Honesty at its source is the one and only capacity needed to maintain a life of integrity, in unity with, and in service to, others.  It is key to good character.

Honesty ought to beget honesty.  If one partner’s honesty doesn’t elicit the other partner’s honesty, the honest partner (the responsible one) misses out, and the marriage is unequally yoked in its capacity for the taking of responsibility.  An honest marriage partner feels alone when coupled with a dishonest partner.

TRUSTWORTHY – there is sufficient integrity in a responsible person that they are capable of being trusted, that they carry out their promises, that there is alignment between what they say and what they do.  A responsible person’s trustworthiness affords their marriage partner a level of confidence that delivers freedom and safety.  There is nothing like feeling you “belong” in marriage with an actual partner—someone who is capable of giving like you give, who desires to be generous as you do.

Trustworthiness ought to beget trustworthiness.  If one partner’s trustworthiness doesn’t elicit the other partner’s trustworthiness, the trustworthy partner (the responsible one) misses out, and the marriage is unequally yoked in its capacity for the taking of responsibility.  A sole trustworthy marriage partner often feels betrayed and cheated in what is supposed to be a partnership.

EMPATHY – a responsible person given to marriage has sufficient mental and emotional space for another person and, indeed, other people (plural).  They are capable of trying on their partner’s shoes, of being “in” their partner so-to-speak that they can feel for and identify with what their partner is dealing with.  Without empathy, a marriage struggles, for partners need to feel like their partner feels what they feel—that they understand.  Empathy is different to compassion (which is also important) in that it compels compassion into some sort of responsible action.  Empathy is compassion made visible.

Empathy ought to beget empathy.  If one partner’s empathy doesn’t elicit the other partner’s empathy, the empathetic partner (the responsible one) misses out, and the marriage is unequally yoked in its capacity for both partners’ taking of responsibility.  A sole empathetic marriage partner feels used and abused in what is supposed to be a partnership.

One sign of an unhealthy relationship that is unequally yoked is one partner is characterised as being more or less empathetic and the other is characterised as being more or less entitled.  At the extremes this is the coupling of empath with narcissist.  The empath enables the narcissistic behaviour, but the narcissistic behaviour would not surface if they were capable of being a responsible human being.  Empaths are exploited by the entitled.

DILIGENT – responsible persons are intrinsically capable of being diligent.  They take care to do what they need to do to ensure their life serves and the lives of those they love are served.  The diligent person is not a workaholic.  They do the RIGHT work, which often means they do the unglamorous things.  Whilst many fathers are like this, it is mainly mothers who are in this set.

Diligence ought to beget diligence.  If one partner’s diligence doesn’t elicit the other partner’s diligence, the diligent partner (the responsible one) misses out, and the marriage is unequally yoked in its capacity for both partners’ taking of responsibility.  A sole diligent marriage partner feels alone in what is supposed to be a partnership.

The irresponsible partner is essentially lax and lazy.  They do not do what they could do to ensure the family is prepared to succeed.  They don’t respond well or quickly enough.  The family does not thrive if there is one partner who is diligent when the other isn’t.  The diligent partner just gets burnt out.

~

Good marriages feature two responsible persons in partnership.  Both are of good consistent character.  Both are capable of honesty, trustworthiness, empathy, and both work hard in the marriage for the marriage and family.

Prayer for International Bereaved Mother’s Day

Our Lord,

We are thankful for the blessings of children in our time, though we have not always appreciated this gift.  We confess we have not always acknowledged bereaved mothers.

We are thankful that there is now a place in our calendar—the first Sunday in May—that acknowledges women who have suffered loss through infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, or the loss of a child of any age.

Especially for mothers who have not been blessed with a child, at this time at least, Father, we ask that Your peace, Your hope, and Your comfort would be palpably felt by them in a tangible way; for their healing and wholeness.  That in their sorrow and bereftness of soul, they would feel SEEN by You.

For mothers who have been graced with a child after loss, we praise You, our Father, for Your provision in their lives, whilst acknowledging the losses they have suffered are not diminished in any way.  That children lost are always preciously grieved for the rest of one’s life.  We pray Your comfort and Your peace for the mother and their family who has not been graced with a subsequent child.  Give in this ambiguous loss and complicated grief a comfort and peace that transcends all human understanding.

We include in this prayer, Father, those who have not lost a child but whom have not had the child they desperately have tried to conceive, whether there are other children or not.  We ask that they would feel seen by You, too.  And for all women who identify with having never had a child—who feel excluded from the concept “mother” who would dearly love to be included—we pray their identities are filled as mothers-of-spirit.

We are thankful that every loss—whether actual or felt—is equally significant, as is every life, and for a loss to be grieved is for a loss to be honoured, each loss sacred and eternal.

For mothers who have lost a child, we ask, our Father, that You make for them a place of honour for what they have suffered.  We ask, where possible, Father, to compensate them somehow by Your compassion that they could experience Your compassion such that they could give Your compassion to others, when and as they feel strong enough.  Make them esteemed ministers of eternal compassion if that is their wish for Your sake.

Finally, Father, we ask that You would help us all accept just a bit more what cannot be changed, the mysteries of life that seem so cruel.  Help us to know that You feel ever more distraught than we could ever feel because of our losses.  Help us to trust You.

AMEN.

* * *

Many women cannot identify with those who dearly enjoy Mother’s Day—the second Sunday in May.  Their own losses, inability to conceive, and fractured relationships with their own mothers or children are but a few reasons.

On May 7th, one week before Mother’s Day, there is a very special annual International Bereaved Mother’s Day.  This is a prayer for those women, and for other women who struggle with Mother’s Day; those who struggle with Mother’s Day for any reason—it’s a day when your pain is acknowledged and recognised.

For those who love Mother’s Day, like me, May 7th is a good opportunity to take a moment to think of and pray for those for which the concept of Mother’s Day causes pain because of all varieties of loss.  Even on Mother’s Day, let us hold space for those who suffer just because it is Mother’s Day.

International Bereaved Father’s Day likewise occurs the week before Father’s Day and is the last Sunday in August.

IMAGE: my wife’s hand holding the feet of our stillborn son, Nathanael Marcus (2014).