ELEVEN years ago, on a cool, sunny Tuesday morning, we endured the worst surprise — news that changed the course of our lives. This year’s July First is a Tuesday morning, as it was then.
11 years ago this July 1st, about 11:30 AM,
our world changed, for disaster had struck.
Not only were we destined to lose our precious Nathanael four months later, that period of life was to become an uncertain storm-tossed journey — yes, 122 days of occasional numb and often sad days, some with the most harrowing hours full of tortuous minutes.
As that massive storm approached, dark melding into dark on the far horizon, clouds of uncertainty combining with clouds of tempestuousness, building layers bleak upon bleak, with peels of thunder and lightning flashing all around us at times, we staged ourselves for danger, our faith and many prayers carrying us through that four-month series of crises, and in the months of grief that followed such a traumatic stillbirth.
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JULY FIRST each year is special. The pain felt in 2014 is very different to the redemption of peace within the sea billows of sorrow that roll wistfully now. There is something irrepressibly healing in the sorrow that can only be redeemed in the peace of the Lord. We can say this having heard the powerful story of a pastor friend and his wife having had their perfect baby boy having been told their baby may have had abnormalities. We didn’t get that kind of miracle.
When Prayers Aren’t Answered
There is much more to be experienced in the life of faith than any of us are prepared to expose ourselves to. But, as we know with grief, life exposes us to some things beyond our capacity to bear. It wasn’t losing Nathanael that revealed to me what I’m about to share, but losing him reinforced this holy principle that is forever set apart from those who have never suffered. I learned this principle I’m going to share through the grief of having earlier had God say ‘No!’ to my prayers for healing — for my first marriage. When God also said ‘No!’ to healing Nathanael as he grew in my wife’s womb toward that fateful day he was stillborn, we were granted entry into the deeper secret faith life that is available only for those whose prayers aren’t answered. Yes, you read that right. In not answering our prayers for healing and comfort to be given to us the way we wanted it, God gave us a comfort and a healing that blew apart our superficial notions of healing and comfort. God blew those superficial notions away so we could enter something eternally deeper.
Today we are invited to sit and ponder our grief and to ask the God of the universe to show us the way to peace, even as grief threatens to tear us apart. Peace doesn’t come overnight, but that journey of a thousand thoughts and million feelings along the way starts with that first, most bravest step today. And it continues by humble patience and solemn acceptance of faith as each storm rises up within us, often when we least expect it to.
Over the years, I’ve written the following articles on the July 1st Anniversary:
Nine Years — Redemption of Peace with Sea Billows of Sorrow
Eight Years — The Longest of Afternoons, Evening, and That First Morning
Seven Years — The Impact of Those 8 Amnioreduction Procedures
Three Years — A Day That Changed the Course of Our Lives
Two Years — When a Routine Ultrasound Makes Ultrasounds Routine No More
It happened. It was harrowing. Yet in so many ways, and so many times, our experience has proven of value to others over the years. This year, I just note that it’s the same weekday that the anniversary falls on — a Tuesday. I’m so thankful for God’s presence with us at that time, and always, throughout the 4,018 days since 1 July 2014.
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How to conclude? The reflection is this: you do not know what tomorrow will bring, and you cannot prepare for the emotional and spiritual cost of that. You’re eligible too — for pain that has no answer. I have seen too much loss that swept into people’s lives like a whirlwind.
Holding the moments of our lives lightly is the secret, knowing that one day it will be our day.
Wherever you are, live it. Wherever you are, be all of you, there. Make the most of the precious moment, boring or relentless. Knowing one day it will be all over.
Living as if life was all we had is the most important life lesson. Wear your nice clothes. Ask the riskier questions. See what you can. And always do the right thing, as much as that’s possible, for nobody is perfect. Forgive others, and forgive yourself. Never be lost in stolen moments. And thank God for a good conscience, and for the power of apology to right a relational wrong.
