For those who want to help, what do people need?

An Easter reflection: when we consider what Jesus gave to all humanity on the cross — a staggering thought that leaves us staggered — it inspires us to give.

A question on the heart of all those who love to love people right now is what do people need?  There are practical needs, just as there are more clinical needs.

At desperate times, it’s a normal response of a caring society for citizens to ask, “how may I serve?”

The following is a list I’ve compiled, and I would love to hear of others, too.

What do people need?

·                   hope in their fear; faith as the way

·                   purpose for now and the future; purpose preferably with income

·                   the ability to FEEL without hurting themselves or others

·                   the capacity for courage in staying well in their adversity that they cannot change

·                   food, clothing, toiletries, shelter

·                   a place to be heard, to be ‘met’, to be encountered – human connection

·                   reassurance, even if or when they may be on the wrong path – grace in one word

·                   comfort in their grief; to be present with them, and to be tended to emotionally and practically

·                   a place where their joy may be expressed

·                   a place to connect and a way of connection

·                   people they respect who they can trust – so many people don’t have this!

·                   a way to live selflessly – that is personally meaningful

·                   to be shown the real Jesus – real human hands and feet

·                   permission to live as free persons, not bounded by shame, guilt or sin

·                   insight into who they are, who they want to be, and why AND especially about how realistic those aspirations are – with dignified gentleness

·                   power over their mind in order that they may use it to govern their behaviour

·                   an advocate, first and foremost, who will believe in them

·                   an understanding of their heart; people who build them up and don’t tear them down

·                   people who won’t manipulate or take advantage or exploit them or their situations

·                   people who will really listen to their point of view and trust their opinion

·                   people who actually seek them out – to consult with them on matters that affect them – how little this happens in the rush and tumble of life nowadays

·                   role clarity so they know with some assurance what is expected of them

·                   a place to grow, where criticism is minimal, where people invest into their lives

·                   their place in the world

·                   to be helped when they need it

·                   to be valued for who they are, not just for what they do

·                   to be recognised and appreciated for what they do

·                   to find identity in BEING rather than through achieving, possessing/having or needing to be liked

·                   to be contented and to feel safe when they’re alone in this world

·                   to be able to raise their contentions and disagreements without fear of reprisal and in the hope of not being blown off

·                   to operate in communities that are committed to peace

·                   to be valued for WHO THEY ARE in the community and not just for what they do (here’s looking at you, workplaces)

·                   to have access to community where the culture embraces conflict and seeks to resolve it proactively and respectfully and appreciatively

·                   to be loved and to have opportunities to love

Obviously, there are many more I could add to this list.

Could you help by adding some in the comments?

This would help very much as we seek to identify all the ways we might be of service to everyone in this time of enormous challenge.

Thank you.

Photo by Erik Witsoe on Unsplash

Love opens the teary gate, it heals all fear and hate

Out of the blue I get a text message from one of my daughters.  Realistically it could be any one of the three of them, but this particular message really stirs me up.

I am overcome with love for the simple yet powerful message that she communicates.  It’s a message of joy for the memories of happy childhood days she has.  With the message comes a song that depicts this joy.  I watch the song and about midway through tears are running down my cheeks, my chin’s quivering and I’m a mess in seconds.

I’m not an unusual father.  I have so much love for my children, and I’m constantly inspired by them, by what they’ve made of their lives, and who they are.

I think ever since they’ve have grown up, I have carried a grief in my heart, because they are no longer little girls, and they have their own lives now.  Even though I’ve done my job, it’s somehow sad that that job is done.  Not that support isn’t still needed.

When my eldest turned 18, which is nearly 10 years ago now, I carried a baby photo of her around with me for two years, and I genuinely grieved the fact that perhaps I’ve done such a good job at being a parent, she didn’t need me anymore.

There is something wonderfully deep and mysterious about love.  It is a far more pervasive power than fear or hate or anything else that’s negative.

A powerful dose of love heals us in a flash.

In some seasons of life, we can very well become quite hard of heart.  I’ve had that occur to me a bit in the past 10 years.  We can become so tormented by such a process of bitterness and resentment but notice what the purity of love does.

As I look back over the years where my daughters and I had many precious dates and living experiences together, there are so many memories. Like whole day tours of window-shopping, trips to the beach, cricket games, school drop-offs and pick-ups, graduations, pamper parties, wheelbarrow rides, etc. One of the best memories is sitting there and listening, especially in painful times, and so I have counted it a privilege to be their father.  More than that; it blows me away.

The giving and receiving of love is such a potent elixir for the trials and travesties of life — for which there are many.  When the apostle Paul encouraged the Philippians to focus on whatever is pure and wholesome and praiseworthy and noble — and to “think on these things” — I think he had this thing in mind: there is the potential in love to heal anything in an instant at least for that instant.

Love melts the heart, and so long as pride is quashed by the sensibilities of understanding, where we experience the feeling of being valued, even prized, love makes a way through to forgiveness and wholeness with much ado about nothing.

It’s just like Jesus on the cross.  What Christ did for us two millennia ago that we could not do it for ourselves is such a compelling statement of love that it heals us for all time.

One event in history does all that. One event in history heals all of history itself. And though it cost Jesus his life, the cross itself gives all humanity harmony with God.

This is the power of love.  One taste of this love can heal all the hate and fear in the world.

It took a daughter’s love, communicated in a fresh way, to open the teary gate of love.  I’m so glad for that portion of God’s healing through the simplicity of being so valued.

God values each one of us more than we can imagine.  There’s nothing we can do to change God’s mind or history for that matter.  We are loved.  That’s all that matters.

Jesus showed us with outstretched arms on the cross just how comprehensive is the love of God.

Image: Daughter date c. 2008.

When an adult in a family abuses another

When I talk about death in this article, I talk about it in ways of repetition.  “How do you die more than once?” I hear you ask.  Well, there are as many ways and times to die as there are soul-destroying realities in the living of this life.

Let’s talk spiritual realities of life and death.

When we talk in terms of the abundance of life, the eternal life, the life of streams of living water, that Jesus came to give, we’re talking about the absolute opposite of a death we endure each time a life important to our own does things to take life from us.

Think of a parent who feels perfectly entitled in doing what they choose to do.  They will, of course, expect their children — yes, even and especially adult children, right through the lifespan — to serve their whims, which is anything they choose, simply because they bought their child into the world.  They abuse the child out of a right to do so, more as much out of ownership than anything.

It cuts both ways.

Some adult children turn on their parents, especially when they become frail.  As if holding out to some vendetta, they may disown the parent, or criticise or belittle them, or create havoc in the family.  All, again, out of some inordinate entitlement to do as they please.

Narcissism runs at the root of both these problems of family abuse.

The parent of the adult child who is now their own person has some enduring power over their young, and they will try it on until the adult child discovers their agency in saying, “Uh-uh, not any more on my watch... you have no right to do that and hurt me and others more.”

It always feels cold to the empath to need to do this, but in refusing to look for healing at the feet of the one who broke us, we find we have acknowledged a powerfully perennial truth.  Healing will never come until we take hold of it in both our capable hands.

The adult child who just seems to live to hurt their parent is belligerent.  Let’s not let gaslighting exist in this space for the narcissist parent though.  The adult child who lays waste their parent in a pattern of hurt exists as a constant threat always outdoing themselves in the offensive.  Theirs is the right to ‘pay’ the parent back for the failures of the parent, which truly is the wickedest vengeance.

For a parent under such tyranny to expect compassion is ludicrous.  Healing cannot come through the source of narcissistic abuse, only more horror and terror and destruction.  It is better to takes one’s agency, to decide it’ll never change and to implement the change one can.

There is no sense in grovelling at the feet of one who will just break you again and again and again.  There’s no healing in that.  No healing whatsoever.

But healing comes in the acceptance that a narcissistic parent, son or daughter has made their choice and so can you.

In troubled times, kindness rises, and love conquers fear

It’s not all bad.  Not by far.

More than ever now, from safe distance, I see people genuinely inquiring of me; “How are you doing?  Are you okay?”  I really want to say, “Hey, those are the questions I’m normally asking...” but I quickly realise this is how people are saying, “I love and care for you.”  It takes humility to stand there, look them in the face, consider the question, and answer it and them honestly.

More than ever, now.

Practical needs, too.  I don’t know a single toilet paper hoarding person, but I know so many who have offered me and others I know toilet paper and other such necessities.

I know people who ordinarily would have no interest in being kind — not to say they’re unkind, they are just the types who get on with life — who have ramped up the kindness stakes.

In terms of kindness of deeds done, everyone is thinking creatively, as if to outdo others for all the right reasons, in deference to the need to be supportive at such a tough time for so many.

People are doing things for free that they would have charged money for, because they genuinely see that we’re all in this together.  Suddenly the marketplace is being turned on its head, because people are trading in love.

The leaders who are prospering at this time are succeeding because their tough decisions are thoroughly and courageously kind.  Love is what is underpinning all that they do.

The recent events of Covid-19 have broken our selfish resolve, and where selfishness remains it’s there for all to see.  The selfish are exposed.

But those who are kind are also exposed.  People are noticing and responding, because there is so much need of it.

Whatever we do, of all times, we can rest assured that our kindness means more now than ever.

What are the kindnesses you’re noticing?  Are they acts of humour to help settle the anxiety?  Are they practical needs met without the seeking of a reward?  Are they deeds done without request?  Are they financial kindnesses?  Are they the gift of presence?  Are they some other kindness?

Love will conquer the fear, always has, always will, and as kindness rises, so in that does love, for what is kindness other than love?

Photo by Nathan Lemon on Unsplash

The saddest reality of Covid-19 is abuse is more silent than ever

TV screens are filled with BREAKING stories daily of more shock and awe with what is happening on the coronavirus front.  We reach saturation point, but we can neither have too much of a rapidly unfolding situation that we need to stay abreast of, nor can we switch off from it.

All the while, perennial realities that occur in secrecy and in silence go on occurring ever more silently and secretly.

Whether it’s child abuse occurring in the home — sexual, emotional, physical, verbal, etc — or it’s children being taken advantage of over the internet, or it’s within a marriage, to name just three scenarios, it’s happening more prevalently than ever right now, because everyone is more interested in ‘other news’.

I’m wondering if, in an age of leaving rainbows or teddy bears outside a window, or chalk drawings on a driveway, how a person being abused could let passers-by know that they’re not safe.

Better perhaps if we know of people in tenuous situations to pray for them, especially if action to help them could endanger them.

The people who have been keeping a dark secret for a long time are now cooped up in situations where they cannot get away from the source of the tyranny they’re under.  How helpless it is for a partner who cannot get away, let alone a child who has no voice.

It does us well to notice the types of news stories that are not making the News bulletins at present because of Covid-19.  These very important and very newsworthy stories are still happening, but because they’re going under the radar right now, there is at least the perception that many travesties are unfolding without due action and concern.

Like the tweet that triggered this article:

“Meanwhile online abuser communities are mobilising to take advantage of the unprecedented presence of kids online. The dark web chatter is pretty grim.” (@mike_salter)

This is a horrifying thought.  Again, it goes right under the radar.

It’s like those actively working on the frontline of the #MeToo movement.  It’s as if these issues have been forgotten almost as quickly as the movement began.

There are many millions of people who are genuinely and routinely violated in every country on this planet.

The saddest reality right now is, while Covid-19 is on the spread — and that’s probably going to be sustained for months if not many months — there will be myriad travesties go unchecked.

So, it pays to be extra vigilant right now.  Let us not assume everything is well.  Perhaps our opportunity is more than ever to be a good neighbour.  More than ever, we can be our brother’s keeper.

Let’s not forget that one-in-four girls and one-in-six boys is abused.  Let’s not forget that the agency for crime is more prevalent than ever, given that the home is the scariest of places for some children.  Let’s not assume that because we’re mothers and fathers who are safe that our children are safe from online predators.  Let’s not assume that all is well, and that the only thing we need to worry about is social distancing so as not to spread the virus.

There is definitely cause to believe that for reasons other than I’ve cited here, that abuse is on the rise. Let’s not look away from this.

Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash

God is using this time to restore the imbalances

Having seen how various places in the world have put some of their homeless in nice hotels, God gave me a vision.  It was such an encouraging vision.

What I saw was that God was using this overall time of the coronavirus to make things more equal overall.  I saw typically anxious people being not the only ones overcome by anxiety.  I saw the general population rise to a disordered state, similar to what goes on with what people with anxiety and personality disorders experience.  I saw an equalling of the playing field.  I saw the goalposts shifting, and those who are ordinarily disadvantaged no longer so disadvantaged.

I saw the weary coming home, and those who have been favoured sent out.  I saw black sheep no longer ostracised.  I saw those who were included to the exclusion of others, excluded themselves.

I know Covid-19 is nothing to be happy about, and I am aware of how much fear there is about it, and I know there is nothing to be celebrated in losing a loved one to this awful disease.

If there is one good thing about this time it is that those who have been marginalised may have an opportunity to feel less thrown on the scrapheap of society than before Covid came.

I am aware of several people with anxiety disorders and ADHD and the like who finally feel much more understood in these times.

Whilst there is nothing truly wonderful about the rise of society’s ambient anxiety, it is actually a significant encouragement to those for whom an anxiety disorder is normal.

Whilst visions are very imprecise measures of what God is actually doing, I do know the heart of God is to privilege the underprivileged, and to honour those who go without honour.

The heart of Jesus is for the one who has been rejected by the world, and in this world’s terms, it is the one who has been rejected by kith and kin, first and foremost.  No wonder I saw black sheep no longer ostracised.

Could it be that those who have been on the outer for so long will now become part of the inner circle, and those who were of the inner circle, favoured and popular, will be put out to pasture?

None of us should want anyone to lose out in such a time as this, but we’d do well to think that God is righting some wrongs in this season.  Indeed, I believe God is in control and God is changing our world.

I don’t want you to read into what I’ve just said and think that I am saying God designed Covid-19 for some reason of judgement.  But there are some encouraging trends occurring throughout entire societies that would not have come about had it not been for this virus.

Photo by Lucas Clara on Unsplash

Just so I NEVER forget... April 2, 2020

Woke again this morning
anything but free,
drove a mile for gas
a dollar 63.

Distance learning only
for schools, I don’t know,
a month past now
feels like a year ago.

Self-distancing’s a thing
on everyone’s lips,
how only a little while back
it was in no one’s script.

How bizarre to find
tape on the floors,
greeting shoppers
at all grocery stores.

Go outside
it’s a thing unseen,
you want to be alone
from where you’ve been.

People in masks
everywhere,
the confusion you feel
when people stare.

Never felt so on edge
inside the store,
can’t wait to get out
of that door.

“Non-essential”
is yet another word,
a constant reminder
this world’s gone absurd.

Businesses mandated
their doors are closed,
everyone gets it
these changes go unopposed.

Parks and play areas
entire cities locked down,
the mind boggles
it’s a global frown.

Death to sports
entire seasons canned,
any and all contact
that’s been banned.

Entertainment events
they’re gone too,
it’s left everyone thinking
what are we to do?

Weddings and funerals
shocking to see,
only the basic few
will see them be.

All services of worship
everything’s electronic,
flocks are scattered
digital’s the tonic.

“Socialise” is a word
right out of favour,
the only ones now
are family to savour.

Heaven forbid
workers go unprotected,
in the frontline
they risk being infected.

Ventilators... oh how
we never knew,
would come to be so vital
they’re so few.

Panic buying
wasn’t just a fad,
how did things
get so bad.

Things we took for granted
so prized are they now,
we pray they’ll be there
for shopkeepers to allow.

Shelves are bare
like wartime it feels,
shoppers aghast
it doesn’t feel real.

Distilleries change
their lines of discharge,
other businesses switch so
vital supplies to enlarge.

The world’s united
in one thing I suppose,
everyone’s scrambling
as the entire world slows.

Governments close borders
to all non-essential travel,
yes, travellers now
risk their health to unravel.

Fines to the extreme
for breaking the rules,
staying at home
is now most precious of jewels.

Makeshift hospitals
stadiums and tents,
all sorts of facilities
for Covid-19 patients.

Press conferences daily
from every world leader,
daily updates are the norm
who’d be a mind-reader?

Essential service workers
terrified to go to work,
none of these ones
could you call a jerk.

Medical workers
oh what a bitter pill,
cannot go home
and make their families ill.

Think of this time
we won’t forget it fast,
at no time in historywill it feel in the past.

Hold to your family
as much as you can,
right now and always
they are your plan.

This is the Novel Coronavirus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared March 11th, 2020.

Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash